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My Faith Journey
Christina Caiñas Harrell

I am American-born of Cuban parents and raised Catholic, primarily in Miami, Florida. I made my First Holy Communion at Immaculate Conception in Hialeah, Confirmed at Holy Rosary, Perrine. My immigrant parents made great sacrifices to see to it that I be educated in Catholic Schools and so from Kindergarten (where I first learned English) through High School, the influence of the St. Joseph Sisters and many priests formed and forged in me a deep faith.
I remember in the 3rd grade, reading my first “Lives of the Saints” book on the life of St. Theresa of the Little Flower and another on St. Francis of Assisi. I was hooked and couldn’t get enough of the stories of how others loved Jesus in their day and time and the sufferings as well as the joys of serving God. St. Catherine of Siena’s trance and vision into Heaven captivated my imagination and I couldn’t wait until Religion Class each day (we had it every day) to hear more wonderful stories filled with adventure, miraculous events, visions, and love…always lots of love. Catechism was boring to me in those days and I relished the times when we could get Sister to talk about the Saints, both biblical and post-biblical. I believed it all without any reservation and it spoke to a place in my soul that nothing else could reach. None of the history or geography lessons also filled with adventure and fascinating cultural and human interest stories could hold my heart like those of people who love God.

I asked for more books to read and would stay after school at the Convent both in elementary and high school, to “pick someone’s brain”: anyone who would listen; anyone who would tell me more stories and anyone who would take my questions seriously and help to at least momentarily quench my thirst for a deeper knowledge of the Faith.

In the 8th grade, Sister Maureen found a way to “shut me up” and gave me Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologicae and I read all three volumes. Of course, that only raised more questions and I made up my mind then that I would have to go to a Catholic High School and also a Catholic College.

My parents would never be able to afford college with two more children to put through school, and so I tried out at University of Miami for Music. I was offered a four-year scholarship, but I turned it down and sought entrance into Barry because I had to have the theology. I had to take three part-time jobs because I only received a partial scholarship to Barry College (now University). It was worth it and I majored in both Music and Theology, receiving a B.A. and later going on to receive an M.A. in Theology. After my second year at Barry however, I entered the Allegheny Franciscans and here’s where my faith journey took a turn.

After leaving the convent in 1972, I returned to Miami and to Barry to finish my B.A. degrees and pursue a Masters, but had the Catholic Church and joined the Episcopal Church that winter. There are some things that happened to me along the way that were traumatic and it shook my faith in the Catholic Church quite a bit. Vatican II and its sweeping changes didn’t help much either and in the midst of all the confusion, I truly believed in my heart that God was calling me to the priesthood (something that could NEVER happen in the Catholic Church). Interestingly, a few of the Dominican Sisters at Barry were hoping for the day that it would happen and they wanted to be among the first. Nobody seemed too upset that I had left the Church.

In 1976, I receive my Masters in Theology and that Fall entered the Episcopal Seminary in Alexandria, VA., after the two year process in the Episcopal Diocese of S.E. Florida in Miami. At Seminary, I met my husband. His faith journey had brought him from the Baptist Church into the Episcopal Church and so we wondered at God’s plan (or sense of humor) in bringing together a former ordained Baptist preacher and an ex-Franciscan nun. Well, I settle on the side of “God’s plan” because we celebrated our 27th anniversary yesterday, May 28, 2004. I attended the Episcopal Seminary for only 1 year because I had already come in with two theological degrees. I was ordained deacon in April,1977, married in May,1977, my husband ordained to the diaconate in June, 1977, and we began our first job in a parish in Boca Raton in July, 1977. Whew…exhausting just writing about it. Bert was ordained to the priesthood in January, 1978. I remained a deacon because of the turmoil in the Episcopal Church over the ordination of women to the priesthood and I did not want to contribute to the division. Some parishes broke away from the Episcopal Church and with some other events impacting our personal lives as well, Bert and I decided to leave the Episcopal Church and joined the Catholic Church (actually, I returned and he was confirmed and our marriage blessed) in the summer of 1978. We both felt called to return to the Episcopal Church when the truth behind some of the previous events was revealed and with the bishop’s apology and sincere invitation to return, we did so in January, 1981 (all of this a story in and of itself!).

In September, 1984, in the Episcopal Diocese of Northwest Texas, I was ordained to the priesthood and served in small and large parishes doing mostly School Chaplaincy with teaching, counseling, chapel services, etc., as well as Director of Religious Education and general priestly parish work. Music was always an integral part of my faith expression and it played an important role in what has brought back to the Catholic Church. More on that later.

I can say that it has been rewarding work and I poured myself into it as well as pouring as much of my Catholic heritage and faith into every teaching and preaching opportunity that came my way. Often criticized for being too conservative or too “Roman”, I stayed the course and taught on the Sacraments, the Blessed Virgin Mary, Holy Scripture, liturgy, and spirituality laced with all the wonderful stories of the saints with as much Catholicity as I could get away with. Having been told and taught that the Anglican Communion as another branch of the Catholicism, I couldn’t understand why the beliefs were not as widely held as those I was trying to impart. Children in the various schools never had a problem, but oh—the parents, and even some of the Rectors (my bosses along the way). I resigned one position because of moral and theological objections and so my faith journey began to take another turn again.

I do not know how much detail is beneficial at this point, but sufficed to say, it began around 1992 to become a struggle within my conscience, a disruptive force in my heart, an oppression within my spirit, and recently (2000-2002), an emotional and physical challenge as well, to keep trying to endure the horrific changes happening in the Episcopal Church down to the most recent of this past summer in the consecration of a divorced and now practicing homosexual man to the office of bishop.

I guess it would be helpful at this point in my story to know that Bert and I have been working in different parishes and schools all these years, since 1977, and that we’ve been working here in Jacksonville, Florida, since 1988. He is presently the Head of the Religion Department and English Literature teacher at Episcopal High School as well as Pastor of a small “Anglo-Catholic” or “High Church” parish. He is presently praying about when, not if, he shall return to the Catholic Church. It is a bit more complicated for him right now, but we both have faith that God has it all worked out for us if we but remain in prayer and faithful to His promptings.

Now back to my story:
After serving in two large parishes here in Jacksonville, I took a teaching job in a public School of the Arts here in Jacksonville, Florida, in order for a small Black Episcopal Mission Church to be able to afford a priest. As I had mentioned earlier, things went from bad to horrific on the National Episcopal Church side but it was also happening in my own life and it finally led me to take a sabbatical from all my “churchly” work and wait 6 months until the newly elected bishop was in place and see what would develop.

 

Here is where my return journey truly begins.

I was praying about all of it and not just waiting for the new bishop to be in place, but most definitely waiting upon the Lord for His answer to the dilemma I found myself in theologically and morally with a church gone heretic. I focused on my teaching job and found great joy working with the 6th-8th grade students and doing music and only music, which always replenishes and inspires my soul. The father of one of the teachers in the school had died and he was a member of Our Lady Star of the Sea Catholic Church. Joan called me on a Thursday night frantically looking for the music for “On Eagles’s Wings” and figured I’d have it. Since she had been so very kind in helping me get certified in Music for Duval County Schools, I thought it was the least I could do to not only get her the music but offer to play the piano for her niece coming from out of town to sing it at the funeral. Friday, her niece and I met at my school and we went over it. In the meantime, I had asked Joan to please clear it with the priest at Our Lady and to be sure to inform him that I was an Episcopal priest, but that I would come in regular clothing and certainly not want to cause any problem by participating in a Catholic funeral. I told Joan that I was embarrassed about the Episcopal Church and all its goings on and was totally willing to yield to the Catholic priest’s decision not to have me (a representative of a heretical church) come in to play music. I got the “green light” and I came in and accompanied Joan’s niece during the Offertory.

There was a husband-wife team doing the music and they asked me if I knew that the Music Director’s position was open at the parish and would I consider applying for the job. I was stunned. I smiled and politely explained that I had a fulltime teaching job and did not even get into anything about “my other life”. Then, the assistant priest who had offered the Mass, cornered me as I was walking out and asked me if I knew about the position. He then literally “got in my face” and said with a conviction that went straight into my heart: “You need to apply for this job!” I broke into tears and said that I had been praying about what direction to take in my life, but I dismissed him with a lot of excuses and did not do anything for about a week. Msgr. Logan called and asked me to apply and I told him “what” I was and he saw no problem with it. I wondered: “Why was this priest asking me to do this? He had not even heard me play. Besides it was just one song on the piano and I didn’t think it was anything spectacular; heartfelt yes, but not a Bach or Mozart piece.”
Again, I was stunned, but I waited another week before writing Bishop Galeone to ask his advice and his permission to pursue this. He called me on a Sunday afternoon and gave me his blessing to pursue it, stating that it was not necessary for me to be a Catholic to take the job (Msgr. had said that also). Stunned again that: a) a bishop would call me personally, b) he did not see my priesthood as a problem, c) he gave his blessing and with a follow-up fax to the Msgr. to communicate his approval of all this.

The funeral was Oct. 5, I was auditioning for the position on Oct. 29, stunned again that my husband said, “go for it!” Msgr. said his Search Committee unanimously approved and he offered me the job that night. They had interviewed 18 other applicants over a year’s time and none of them seemed right. Msgr. said that when I walked in the door, he knew I was the one and I knew that this was the answer to my prayer. We still speak of God’s timing as awesome.
But there’s more to this that adds to the marvel of God’s hand in it.

I went back to my school and spoke with the Asst. Principal (she was at the funeral and she is Catholic, so I figured she would understand the spiritual dimension to all of this). Msgr. was willing to let me finish out the school year and take the job part-time. But as it turned out, the school found my replacement almost immediately. We were mid-term and so all my grading had been done and it was easy for her to step in and take over.

On Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003, all these things happened:
I said goodbye to all my students and my fellow teachers (lots of tears and hugs) and had my last day of school.
I made my Confession, my profession of Faith, and received Communion at the 7 p.m. Mass.
I wrote the Episcopal bishop renouncing my vows as a priest explaining that I had returned to the Catholic Church and mailed it that night.
I had my first Choir rehearsal at Our Lady Star of the Sea Catholic Church.
So, in one day: I had my last day of school, left the Episcopal Church and the priesthood, returned to the Catholic Church and started my new job.

Some other interesting details about this part of the journey:
I had been on retreat the year before at an Episcopal Convent in Maryland and had entered into my journal on Oct. 29, 2002 (precisely one year to the day of my audition at OLSS), that God had said, “Music is the key”. The teacher that substituted for me for the whole week that I was on retreat is the very one that took over my job at LaVilla School of the Arts. She had never subbed for me at any other time before or since that week until coming in to take over. Also, I had been released by my bishop to leave my Mission Church to take my sabbatical and so I was therefore, free to obey the Holy Spirit when Fr. Ligouri said, “You need to apply!”

I consider this Music Director job to be nothing short of a miracle. I’ve been delivered from the horror show continuing in the Episcopal Church and I do not have to be involved or consumed in “the fight” for God’s Truth in a crumbling institution that has forsaken His Holy Word and does not really want to hear from anyone trying to present a voice of reason and a warning for the folly of playing in dangerous spiritual waters. I’ve availed myself of the Sacrament of Confession with the compassionate pastoral care of a priest both my boss and my Confessor and received healing and forgiveness and through God’s grace, the joy of being to forgive and move on. Music is the key and I’ve written 5 new songs since Nov. 12, not having written one since Nov. 2000.

Two more things to share:
of all the thoughts that could have come into my mind when I made my first Communion back in the Catholic Church, this is what came when I returned to my seat: the knowledge that I was INSTANEOUSLY AT ONE with 1 billion Catholics around the world that believe as I truly believe, that this is really the Body and Blood of Christ. I found at that moment and continue to find as I attend daily Mass and daily say my rosary, a great comfort in that strength of numbers, unity of Faith, and a Church that has existed from the beginning of Christianity and not just from the 1500’s on…

I await the day when my husband and I can take Communion together and I pray daily that Bert will find his way back home to the Catholic Church soon and we can share this joy together.