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Do You See How Much He Loves You?

Daniel Hadden

The conversion experience which I am about to share with you is not one isolated incident but a series of conversion experiences which had a profound and life‑changing effect on me and my entire family and resulted in my leaving the Mormon Church in 1997 and subsequent entry into the true Church of Jesus Christ ‑ the Holy Roman Catholic Church in 1998. These incidents, happening over a period of almost a year, are also not the whole story either. In the interest of not brevity, I haven't included discovering the truth of Mormon theology and the pain of that deception, the changed relationships with my parents and siblings as life unfolded following that discovery. I left out events relating specifically to the Mormon Church which f continued to attend until God released me to leave. I also didn't include the events which finally convinced me it was time to seek entry into the Roman Catholic Church.

In May of 1996, 1 was sitting in the family room of our house enjoying a spring day in Kenai, Alaska. I was on vacation and had three weeks to relax and enjoy whatever my wife and I planned. I was 48 years old, employed as a Production Foreman on an offshore oil platform in Cook Inlet, Alaska. I had worked in the oil industry, primarily offshore Alaska, for the past 25 years. I also have to admit I was, in many ways, similar to the stereotype of the oilfield worker. My speech when at work or around co‑workers, was laced with obscenities and it seemed difficult to express myself without using them. I was always deeply caught up in the world, consumed by the passion for whatever happened to be my current hobby, and usually gave precedence to it rather than my family. I rarely went to church with my family as I had been born into the Mormon Church while my wife who was born into and raised in the Roman Catholic faith as were our children. Occasionally I would attend Mass with them on a special occasion if they talked long and hard and were convincing enough.

This particular morning my wife had just finished reading a book loaned her by one of her friends and she sat it on the couch next to me saying she thought I might like to read this book. We had been married for 27 years at the time and I had never read a book she had ever recommended. Our reading tastes were at extreme opposite poles from each other then. But I glanced at it and, attracted to the title ("The Visions of the Children" by Janice T. Connell) and the picture of the Virgin Mary on the cover; picked it up and read the introduction. It intrigued me enough to wonder why, if Medjugorj'ie was really happening, it wasn't the front‑page headline of every newspaper every day? Why did I never recall hearing or seeing anything about this on television or reading about it in the newspapers? With my curiosity aroused, I began to read.

I can't remember if I had read two chapters or five, when a certainty concerning the truth of what I was reading was true came into my heart. I knew with my whole being that Mary's message to the world that God is real and the world needed to be converted and return to God was the truth. Jesus was a reality! Mary was a reality! Tears began flowing from my eyes and I went to my knees on the floor and asked Jesus to forgive my sins, to come into my life and be my Lord and Master. Even though I was crying and tears were streaming down my cheeks, I had never been happier in my life. I couldn't thank Mary enough for leading me to Jesus and the new life I had as a result of Jesus answering my prayer. I could feel the difference already.

What a wonderful vacation and honeymoon in the Lord my wife and I had. For three weeks we prayed together, sang and praised the Lord together, had several prayer meetings at our home, and just enjoyed each other as never before. At the first prayer meeting, I asked Jesus to baptize me with His Holy Spirit. Nothing seemed to happen after I asked or after the group also prayed for my baptism. But when I woke up the next morning, immediately I had a song in my heart and for the next three weeks a song was being sung in my heart constantly. It would diminish when I needed to talk to someone or concentrate on something, but at all other times the song was there. I could change the song at will by just thinking about a different song or singing a different song, but I couldn't shut it off Of course at the time I only knew a few Christian songs so the little CD player in my heart was pretty limited. One song I liked a lot was the children's song "Jesus Loves Me." Any time my mind was awake a song was in my heart. It was truly a blessing.

When I went back to the platform, things were entirely different than before my vacation. I realized immediately that I had been delivered of the vocabulary I was accustomed to using at work. The profanity which I used at work around other men was no longer a part of my speech. God had initiated our new relationship with a truly wonderful gift and I was deeply grateful. I knew I had been blessed with a true miracle. I also dusted off my Bible and took it to work with me; keeping it sitting on my desk when it wasn't in my hands. I was leaning to say the Rosary and I couldn't seem to read or pray enough.

One morning during this first week back on the platform, after completing my prayers, I was sitting at my desk with the door to my office closed. I felt like thanking Our Lady again for what she had done for me. I closed my eyes and pictured Mary in my mind, standing in front of me, facing me. I said "Thank you, Mother for leading me to your Son." and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Then I said "I love you so much" and I put my arms around her to give her a hug. This was all in my mind and was just mental images. As soon as I placed my arms mentally around Mary and gave her a hug, I was overwhelmed with an intense feeling of love. Pure Love. Love like I have never experienced and have no words to even explain except to describe as absolutely pure and total. Absolutely pure, pure, pure heavenly love. Love that was impossible to comprehend as it was so deep and all‑inclusive.

As I sat in my chair, this feeling of love kept growing in intensity and I was being drawn deeper and deeper into it. I wanted to stay in the presence of this love forever. It was so strong it felt tangible and I thought I could touch it and even eat it if I so desired. I had no thoughts of anything else; my family, friends, nothing. This love was all encompassing and was enough. I would have been content to stay in this love for eternity. All of a sudden I became aware of someone standing next to me on my right side. I didn't turn to look or speak because I immediately knew who it was without asking or looking. Jesus was standing beside me. As I became aware of His presence, the feeling of love just intensified and drew me even deeper and deeper into it. It became so intense that it was almost painful and I finally said out loud " 1 can't stand any more". This overwhelming Presence of Love was instantly gone and I was left sitting at my desk with the greatest emptiness I have ever experienced. I cried out "Please come back, I didn't mean it." But it was of no avail, I was left with the most intense longing but at the same time experiencing a tremendous joy. I wanted to run, jump, and shout to the High Heavens and tell everyone what I had just experienced. Two absolute opposite feelings at the same time.

Since then I have had two thoughts I have went over and over in my mind. Why didn't I look at Jesus, even though I absolutely knew it was He? Why did I say I couldn't stand it any more ‑ was it a product of my fear or did my spirit know I was physically unable to be there longer without something happening? One day I am certain I will know the answer and I eagerly await the answer. I did come to one other great realization from the experience. Mary stated to the children in the book that her mission and desire is to lead us to her Son and in my case she meant it literally, not just figuratively.

A few weeks later while sitting at my desk at work on the platform, I was thinking about being baptized in the Holy Spirit. I knew in my mind that I had been baptized because I had asked in faith, but I didn't know in my heart. And there is a big difference. Everyone around me told me that I had because the fruit was there. Love of people, prayer, scripture reading, desire for more of God. But I didn't know in my heart.

As I was meditating on this subject, I mentally asked the Holy Spirit to please let me know in my heart what I knew in my mind. Immediately the words came into my mind, "Don't you remember when you woke up with a song in your heart?" Immediately I thought of the morning when I had awakened to find a song playing in my heart and I immediately knew with a certainty that I had been baptized in the Holy Spirit. It had gone from my mind to my heart right then and there. Nothing else changed except I now knew in my heart. I thanked the Holy Spirit profusely for this wonderful answer.

A few months later I was again seated at my office desk reading a book which continually made reference to taking things to the Cross and leaving things at the Foot of the Cross. Being new to all this, I didn't know for sure what was meant by these statements. So in my momentary pique, I said aloud to myself, " I must be the only Christian in the entire world who doesn't know what it means to take something to the Cross." I immediately heard a voice in my mind. It was a feminine voice and it said, "Do you really want to know what it means?" I answered "yes" out loud. I then heard in my mind the same feminine voice asking "Would you like me to show you?" Again I answered by saying "yes". The moment I said yes for the second time, I was at the Foot of the Cross, looking up at a face whose eyes were closed but was in obvious agony and had been suffering for some time. The face was devoid of color with nothing but white skin with black shadows under the eyes, nose lips, and chin. The flesh looked devoid of blood it appeared so very white.

It was apparent that the sun was directly overhead because of the shadow configuration on the face. The skin on the face was stretched tight and there appeared to be no flesh under the skin. The face had the appearance of a person in severe dehydration and also in extreme agony. It took a few seconds to realize who I was seeing because I didn't recognize the face from any pictures I had ever seen before. A very nondescript face of a person you would pass on the street and not notice. As I realized it was the face of Jesus I was seeing, I heard the feminine voice in my mind ask, "Do you see how much He suffered for you?"
After a short interval, in which I reflected upon the intense suffering I was witnessing, I answered with a yes. I then heard the voice again say, "Do you see how much He loves you?" As I was listened to these words, Jesus turned his head slightly, opened his eyes and looked into my eyes. I sincerely wish it was somehow possible to for me to communicate what I saw in His eyes. I saw a depth and quality of love so profound and overwhelming that I could not bear to continue to look into the depth of it. I closed my eyes, began to weep and tears streamed down my face.

When I opened my eyes, I now saw only my desk and my office. The face and eyes were gone, but I now knew what the Cross is and what it means to take something to the Cross. The Cross is LOVE. God's love. The love I saw in His eyes is more than sufficient to take care of anything and everything I or anyone else bring to the Cross. Jesus paid the price. I know that He suffered on the Cross for me personally because He loves me personally and the same time, He has the same personal love for each and every other individual and the Cross was also for every one else. To this day when I recall His face again, see Jesus open His eyes, look at me and see the love there, it is still so powerful and emotional that tears nearly always come to my eyes.

I believe that this transpired entirely in my mind because I saw nothing other than the Face of Jesus on the Cross, didn't feel anything such as desert heat, or hear anything other than the voice in my mind. I am so grateful for this experience and it's benefit that it is difficult to even put in words. I know that Jesus loves me personally with a love greater than I can experience or know in this life and that He has a most wonderful mother who loves us all so very much as well. This was a critical point in my conversion experience. It is the solid foundation upon which I depend when the storms blow through and the trials and tribulations of life come. I can just gaze upon His Face again in my mind, see His eyes open, and everything comes into perspective. The Rock of my Foundation was on a hill in Calvary and the gates of hell cannot prevail against it.

The final episode of my conversion experience which I will share with you happened during a Lenten retreat in 1997 in Alaska led by a Franciscan nun, Sr. Jimmie Sue Woelke. As we walked and prayed the Stations of the Cross we came to the last station where Jesus is placed into the tomb. After singing the meditation song, we knelt in prayer. As my knees touched the ground, I immediately heard a voice in my mind saying; "As they placed Me in the tomb and sealed the entrance with the stone, all the people there who loved Me were unable to be with Me physically inside that tomb , They could only be with Me spiritually outside the tomb. Now, when I am in the tabernacle, again the people who are there beside Me cannot be with Me physically in the tabernacle. They can only be with Me spiritually outside the tabernacle."

As these words were spoken to me in my mind, the knowledge of the Real Presence of the Risen Lord in the Consecrated Host in the tabernacle was written on my heart. I immediately knew the reality of Jesus being physically present in the Eucharist. When I arose from my knees I knew the Lord had again blessed me with a priceless gift ‑ a pearl of great price ‑ and one day I had to become a part of the church He established and where He is still present both physically and spiritually.

I have selected these few experiences to share as they were the major points of my conversion experience. There are many, many more experiences God and the Blessed Mother have blessed me with and important truths they have taught me and have written on my heart during and since my conversion. God has truly blessed me greatly and I don't pretend to understand His reasons but I do rejoice in all He has done for me. I am so grateful for everything the Blessed Virgin has shown me and taught me while praying the rosary that I cannot begin to express the depth of my love for her. I can never thank her enough for leading me to her Son who loves me enough to go to Calvary for me and I can never thank God enough for introducing me to our most wonderful heavenly mother. I hope to have eternity to try.