The Homecoming
by Gary L. Allan
“Why would a ‘former-Catholic’, ordained United Methodist minister, having served 18 years in the church, leave his ministry and return to the Catholic Church?” That’s what a friend asked me when I announced that I was joining the Catholic Church. As he asked the question I thought for a moment. “That’s a really good question, I replied”. I stood for a moment and thought about what he was really asking. It was like my life flashed before my eyes. My early youth in the Catholic Church, my leaving the Catholic Church to become an evangelical, my going to Bible College, then Seminary, serving churches and in being pastoral care ministry, pouring out my life and soul to serve Christ, along with all the joys, triumphs, successes and disappointments, failures and struggles that come with ministry. All those moments of my life and ministry raced through my mind’s eye as he stood there waiting for an answer. At first I didn’t know what to say. I knew he didn’t understand why I would leave the church. In his voice I could hear undertones of confusion, disappointment and betrayal. Suddenly I had the answer. It was a very simple answer, yet a very complete one. It is the answer that I gave him and I continue to give when anyone asks me “why”. It is simply this…“It’s hard to be a Protestant when you’re really a Catholic”.
My journey began August 31, 1957 when I was born the second child of a “mixed-marriage” family. My father was Protestant of a nominal Lutheran background who married an Italian Catholic. Religion was not spoken in our home because of an argument my parents had when I was to be baptized. Being a devote Catholic, my mother would have no part of such this and I was baptized in the Catholic faith. The five Allan children went with Mom faithfully every Sunday sitting in the front pew so a four foot ten inch Italian woman and her five children could see the altar.
I sensed a call into the ordained ministry when I was eleven years old when at the time I was Confirmed in the Catholic Church. I remember that wanted to be holy and I wanted more of God in my life. I began to attend Mass on a daily basis and then rush off to the public school. I bought a Bible and read it faithfully as I hoped to learn more about this God who loved us and sent his Son to die for our sins. This hunger for a deeper relationship with God was so powerful that eventually I became involved in the Charismatic Renewal.
It was the result of studying Martin Luther and the Reformation in high school social studies that eventually led me out of the Catholic faith. My father, who had remained silent for most of my life about spiritual matters, broke his rule and began to share about his faith. Soon the entire family had decided to leave the Catholic Church and we attended independent charismatic congregations. When I was seventeen my parents moved to Florida and I attended a Mennonite congregation that was mildly charismatic. By this time I had come to the conclusion that much of the teaching I had learned early in my life in the Catholic Church was wrong, yes, I would think, there were truths to be learned, but most of the trappings, the ritual and teachings were beyond the Bible and should be ignored. Yet, deep inside of me I knew that I was wrong for leaving the Church. Anytime I would be asked about my religious background, I was always ashamed to say I was a “former-Catholic”. I always wondered why I would have this type of response of conviction that I had done something wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger what it might be…
Connie, my wife of twenty-nine, years and I were married in 1977. Connie was eighteen when we married and I had just turned twenty. Within a year we had our first of three children. At the time I was studying at an Assemblies of God Bible College in Lakeland, Florida. While the charismatic and Pentecostal traditions are so vibrant and enthusiastic, eventually I came to question what I experienced as the shallowness of the teaching. Question began cropping up in my mind such as what about the rest of the Church through all of history, were they not Christians who had experienced the Holy Spirit? I remember one special moment in 1979 when my wife, Connie, and I were taking communion privately in our home during Holy Week. My belief was that it was only a “memorial” and “any Christian can do this.” I read the passage from St. Paul in I Corinthians 11 and what Paul had to say about holy communion. At the time I had believed communion was merely a “memorial” but we read the passage and realized, Paul was talking about something more than just a memorial – he was talking about something much more deeper – something significantly deep enough that to not respect it was actually costing the lives of some believers who did not acknowledge what the bread and wine had become. It was much more than just remembering! – it was God! I was wrong – it is a Sacrament! God was at work in me during those years and little was I aware that he was also working on my wife.
While in Bible College I studied a man named, John Wesley, who founded the Methodist Church. The Pentecostal and Charismatic traditions have a strong affiliation to Wesley because it was the Methodist movement that would eventually spawn these church renewals. Much of Pentecostal theology is Wesleyan in nature. What I loved about Wesley was his appreciation of the early church fathers. I wanted to know more about this John Wesley. I transferred to a Wesleyan Church college in Indiana and finished my bachelor’s degree in Biblical Literature.
In 1985 with my wife and three children we moved to Wilmore, Kentucky where I studied for the United Methodist ministry at Asbury Theological Seminary. While advanced learning is meant to be challenging, I was not prepared for the shaking of my faith that I encountered in Seminary. Studying Wesley’s theology and his approach to worship challenged and nearly broke me at the time. A professor of Worship and Homiletics deeply rattled my beliefs in the sacraments and liturgy. In class I learned that the early church was a liturgical church with traditions that went back to the Apostles. But this was the Catholic Church I had grown up with! Why would a Protestant seminary be teaching us about the Mass, and how communion is transformed into the actual Body and Blood of Christ? One day following a class I was enraged that one professor was challenging us to return to the early church, which, I knew from my experience, was Catholic. I remember going to his office immediately after class, tears in my eyes and saying, “Professor, I left all that when I left the Catholic Church.” We sat and talked even though he was late for another class. Gently he listened to me, my background my story of “leaving the Catholic Church”. In a quiet voice full of compassion he asked me, “Gary, have you thought that perhaps you had thrown the baby-out-with-the-bathwater?” He then stood up, patted me on the shoulder and left for his class. That day shook me up.
I went home and prayed and realized how wrong I had been for leaving the Catholic faith, but again I would rationalize that I had made the right move.
I was not the same after this. I began reading, even devouring the writings of the early church fathers. John Wesley was an avid reader of the Church Fathers and held that proper belief must always be maintained in light of Sacred Tradition. Furthermore, Wesley taught that Sacred Tradition must be adhered to in order to rightly understand Scriptures. It was the result of studying Wesley that took me down the path toward reading the Church Fathers. As a “former-Catholic” it was very challenging because all the Catholic teaching that I had rejected as “error” quickly “made sense” and was not only sound theologically, but was very solid in its Biblical foundations. Yet I waited and continued to rationalize that it was okay for me to remain in the Methodist Church…
In another class we were required to go on retreat to Gethsemane Abbey near Bardstown, Kentucky. With other fellow students, we sat listening to the Mass, the Hours, the worship and adoration filled my heart. I remember sitting and praying during one of the Hours and a still small voice speaking to me, “Gary, return to the Catholic Church.” All these years I had rejected the faith that the Apostles had taught. The seeds that had been planted inside of me in my Baptism and Confirmation began to germinate. I found the Catholic Church, the only problem was – I was now a Protestant. I began to rationalize, “Yes, I’m a Protestant, but really I’m a Catholic – We’re all really part of one church – does it really matter?” It does matter…
Following seminary in 1988 I was ordained in the United Methodist Church. While my title was “Methodist”, I, inside of my heart, was a Catholic. As I served the church for eighteen years in four parish appointments, my wife too was feeling the need for something deeper. We were connected to a church, but didn’t feel apart of it. My wife, a life-long evangelical Protestant, later confessed to me, “Gary, I would sit in church and listen to you lead worship and preach. As I would listen I would have thoughts pop up in my head, that would say, ‘Gary would be much happier in the Catholic Church…he really isn’t part of this.’” We would attend Catholic music concerts; listen to Catholic worship music, read Catholic books and devotionals. Icons were displayed on my walls. I burned incense in prayer. We had a rosary in our car hanging from the mirror. Every Christmas we would rush home from our Methodist Church midnight Christmas Eve Service to watch the Pope celebrate Christmas Mass on television! We were swimming in a Protestant sea, seeing ourselves as “Catholic” but were afraid to come into the waters of the Church…
From 1985 on I began to contemplate leaving the United Methodist Church. I had three teenage children to support and I couldn’t leave my “profession”. “Beside,” I thought to myself, “I can still be ‘catholic’ with a small ‘c’”. A close friend from seminary left the United Methodist Church and to join an Old Catholic – Charismatic denomination and invited me to come along with him. I seriously considered making the move, but something inside me restrained me that I realize was the Holy Spirit. I remember talking with my wife about the possibility of “jumping ship” to this new denomination. God used her and spoke to me, “Gary, If you’re going to be a Catholic – then become a Catholic!” Her words struck a strong chord in me. I knew she was right.
In June 2005 I decided to make a move of faith and left the local church I served as pastor. Like so many pastors who make a decision to leave their churches, many haunting questions arise. “Am I out of God’s will?” “Am I doing the right thing?” How do I know that God is in all this and that He is leading me?” I did not want to create a scandal for the parishioners of the Methodist Church so I did not make any announcements as to my plans to leave the denomination. I thought that taking the transitioning process slowly would be helpful. I began by “sneaking” into local Catholic Churches to pray alone. Twice I encountered priests who asked me, “aren’t you the Methodist Minister?” The first time I choked, coughed, and said, “Yes, I just want to pray.” The second occasion I broke out in tears, “yes, I’m the Methodist Minister, but I’m a former-Catholic…I want to come home.” Father said, “Welcome home!”
We began the process of becoming Catholic. Connie and I enrolled in the RCIA program and have enjoyed – to the point of almost devouring the teaching, fellowship and love the group had to offer. I began to attend Mass daily as well as every Sunday. During communion I longed for the Body and Blood of Christ. I sat, head low, and prayed, “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” I had denied him through my leaving the Church. I wanted to come home – “I’ve been away too long” I would say to myself…
On August 20, 2005 Connie and I were welcomed into the Catholic faith at St. Paul’s Church in Valparaiso, Indiana. Tears in our eyes, we stood with the people of faith and joined in with the Nicene Creed. It has been a long time that I have been away. To stand there in the midst of all the people, smiling, shaking our hands and congratulating us. It’s so good to be home again!
