how do you break the news to your spouse?

[baptist bumble]

you know where i am at if you read my intro.  but if you did not let me sum up

Allow me explain... there is no time.  Allow me to sum up!

guess the movie quote!!! okay back to business...

i am a Baptist youth pastor who has very recently started struggling with the doctrine of sola scriptura, the authority of the Church, etc.  i am facing nothing short of a complete meltdown of my theology right now!  i am not sure where i will end up, and i am not converting yet (indeed i very well may not), but i have a problem.

i am married.  no marriage is not my problem.  i love my wife, she is a great wife, she is godly, she is supportive, and she make homemade hot wings for dinner tonight.  did i mention i love her?

she is very involved in my youth ministry.  she volunteers many long hours, and although she knows she is not the youth pastor, she sees this as her 'calling' right now, her ministry.  we often do not see eye to eye on issues relating to the ministry,  philosophy, and theology.  we have very few arguments in our marriage but the few we do have are almost always ministry related.

she does not know i am this far down the road.  i have not told her yet, partially because... well she won't like it!  she is very much a staunch evangelical who would be a longer shot than me to become Catholic one day.  she will be very afraid of the possible job implications and she will feel betrayed.  she may even ask me to quit pursuing this altogether!

my question is, how do i break the news to her?  i am not used to keeping secrets from her but i dont know how to do it without hurting her and i dont know if have built up the courage to face the consequences if she doesnt go along.  any advice or help???

thanks and sorry again for such a long explanation.

[David W. Emery]

Michael, does she know of your difficulties with Protestant doctrines? I should think that would be the place to start: You can start with a “What is wrong with my thinking?” question. The Catholic part can wait until the groundwork is laid. If, in your spiritual journey, Catholicism falls by the wayside, you have not ruffled any feathers. But if you find yourself increasingly convinced, you have a lot of good reasoning clearing the way for you.

David

[baptist bumble]

a little dense tonight.  what do you mean by "what is wrong with my thinking" question?  

i think i understand the gist of this strategy and i like it.  curious about the more specific type of question you were thinking.  thanks!

[David W. Emery]

A “What is wrong with my thinking” question is one in which you propose some difficulties and ask the person why you shouldn’t be bothered with them. In other words, confess some of your worries and invite your wife to convince you that there’s really nothing wrong with those situations, and that your thinking is, as you put it, “a little dense.”

David

[BodRod]

baptist bumble wrote: 

 we often do not see eye to eye on issues relating to the ministry,  philosophy, and theology.  we have very few arguments in our marriage but the few we do have are almost always ministry related.

This line leads me to believe that you have more problems than religion. I think there is a significant problem in the area of communication. It seems to me that she would be aware of your interests and progress if communication was taking place. On the other hand, if you do have communication going, she may be more aware of your progress than you think.

I am in a situation which is similar, in some ways, to yours. My wife knew I was studying the RCC faith and she was aware I started RCIA but she always thought the I would "see the light" and drop out. We were both raised in a religion that claimed to be the "only true followers" of God, and VERY anti-Catholic. Well, I did "see the light" but I did not drop out. Instead I joined. She went through a host of female tricks such as crying, screaming, the silent treatment, etc. From something she said once, I think she thought about leaving me but she did not want to live on only 1/2 a retirement. (I guess I could say that this is one time when greed was a good thing!) At one point, she tried to get the kids to support her in her efforts. Instead, one of them told her that she should not be so upset. Afterall, I could have taken up bar-hopping instead of religion. That was about four years ago. I have never been happier and more peaceful. My Journey has been well worth the effort! I find great comfort in knowing that I now belong to the religious organization that St. Peter started under direct orders from Christ.

I wish you all the best in what ever decision you make and in your Journey.

[DrDave]

Authority...

...you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means!  

I would have to second David's suggestion. The problems that you are seeing with your own spiritual journey, and in particular with your local Church's governance are what you need to raise with your wife. Why does the inability of scripture scholars to agree, which lends itself to local elders being unable to agree when all are appealing scripture bother you? Should it bother you? Should they agree? All of these ideas can be discussed without having to raise the dreaded 'C' word.

Once she understands why you might even want to look anywhere else, then you have the oppertunity to raise the discussion of 'where else might one look?'

Oh, and welcome to the forum!!!

Regards Doc

[Steven Barrett]

Michael,

Welcome to the Forum! Don't worry about looking like the abominable snow man to your wife; but you might get have to find out how to avoid the various bumps in your family couch for a while.:roflol: 

On the other hand, you could buy a book titled "Rome Swee Home," by Scott and Kimberly Hahn. Dr.  Scott Hahn was an up n' comin' Presbyterian minister/theologian, with all the credentials from all the right places. But his life changed one day when he walked into a noontime Mass. After that it was a simple case of WHEN not if. 

Pick this book up. It'll give you a lot of hope.

Gotcha in my prayers. :waving:

PS (Revert from a baptist congregation.)

[baptist bumble]

well... it happened anyway tonight.  good thing i posted, huh?

This line leads me to believe that you have more problems than religion. I think there is a significant problem in the area of communication. It seems to me that she would be aware of your interests and progress if communication was taking place. On the other hand, if you do have communication going, she may be more aware of your progress than you think.

you bodrod are very perceptive.  we do struggle with that.  should work on that.  very perceptive and thank you for having the courage to bring that up to me... many would not have.

i am currently studying two books on sola scriptura (one for, one against)  she had noticed, a bit to my surprise.  i had let on a few comments over the past weeks but not much.  tonight she just flat out asked me what i was thinking.

i feel like we talked past each other the entire time.  turns out we would have had very different views on this way before i started doubting sola scriptura.  i am still hanging on to sola scriptura (by a thread) but she is... i dont know what she is... her blanket answer is "just have faith."  so yeah we didn't get real far tonight... but it was not an argument so that is good!  

A “What is wrong with my thinking” question is one in which you propose some difficulties and ask the person why you shouldn’t be bothered with them. In other words, confess some of your worries and invite your wife to convince you that there’s really nothing wrong with those situations, and that your thinking is, as you put it, “a little dense.”

yeah thats what i did.  she saw no problems really.  im not quite sure what to say right now, i am still a bit :shock:

Authority...

...you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means!  

 

The problems that you are seeing with your own spiritual journey, and in particular with your local Church's governance are what you need to raise with your wife. Why does the inability of scripture scholars to agree, which lends itself to local elders being unable to agree when all are appealing scripture bother you? Should it bother you? Should they agree?

she says they aren't a big deal, just have faith, quit worrying about it.  i love my wife so very much.  i just... quite frankly i was not expecting this outcome!  

All of these ideas can be discussed without having to raise the dreaded 'C' word.

that at least was true!!!

Don't worry about looking like the abominable snow man to your wife; but you might get have to find out how to avoid the various bumps in your family couch for a while

  :D:D

well thanks everybody for your advice and wisdom.  like i said i am just a little bit perplexed right now with the whole thing... never saw the conversation going that way.  oh well, if you have anymore words of encouragement or advice let me know!!!  

thanks

[brian]

Mike. I was lucky to have started conversion just before dating the woman I am in process of marrying, so there was a lot of groundwork set. Lucky for me, she never quite took deep root in her Baptist church where we met and over time of getting to know Catholicism through me and attending services she slowly took the plunge herself. I am very blessed. I really hope things turn out okay for you. I also love youth ministry and hope to one day work at it within the Catholic Church on some sort of volunteer level if the right opportunity came up or God showed me a simple role I could do. I find it difficult to know what to tell you, as it is difficult to want to hide such an important thing from her, yet if it does not amount to too much for now, why worry her. Honestly, I do not know what to tell you. Although keep praying and seeking so that when the conversations do happen you are able to make the best case, and pray she will give you a chance to explain. I pray you find peace and clarity during this process. Keep watching The Journey Home if you can. Maybe tape some that seem similar to your journey in case someday your wife may want to see that you are not the only person who sincerely loves Jesus who would consider serving Him within the Catholic Church. That show gave me a lot of confidence that when people really sincerely seek that it is possible to find God leading them to Rome. Especially because as a Baptist we had seen a lot of people join our church who apparently never were satisfied within Catholicism. Lots of things could be said about that, but it encouraged me much to see that those coming back to the Church or entering for the first time tend to be very well thought out and discerned decisions. Anyway, keep praying. It is your best guide to surviving and maybe even thriving through these confusing times. But things could get better or worse, and you can only trust sometimes when you feel scared and alone. But He goes with us each day, each step. Each prayer. May you feel His loving guidance as you seek, and may your wife open her heart to hear you out when and if the time comes to make her aware of things.

Brian

[Truthseeker]

Welcome,

You are going through such a difficult time.  It is hard to 'let go" of beliefs.  I struggled intensly and painfully over whether to trust the Catholic church, and I was only a Christian of two years - who had been reaised catholic!  I can't imagine what it's like when you have devoted your whole life to your "tradition".  Just remember that God walks with you the whole time!

A book that might be helpful is "Letters between an Evangelical and Catholic"  or "Catholic and Evangelical".  It has both views in one book, written in a very loving and considerate manner.  As you can probably tell, I found the Catholic viewpoint to be more solid.  Maybe, it would be a good book to share with your wife - a little less threatening than a Catholic apologetics book.

Much love and peace to you in your questioning.  You are not alone!

Love, Laura

[Free]

Just one little thing I'd like to mention about sola scriptura:  sometimes people become followers of the Bible instead of followers of Jesus Christ.  It seems Protestants have chosen to be "people of the book" rather than the "people of God who wrote the book."  There are many religions that follow sacred writings, and many religions that consider themselves to be "people of the book."  Catholics very definitely claim (in the Catechism of the Catholic Church and recently at the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops) that we are not "the people of the book" but "the people of God"; that we do not follow only our sacred writings, but follow the person of Jesus Christ.  We revere the Scriptures, we proclaim them, we recognize them as the inerrent word of God, and we also acknowledge that both through what was handed down to us orally and in written form (the Bible) Jesus made it clear that it was through his Church that an understanding of all things would come.  Once I understood that I was not the "church" but that there is a visible Church in the earth that incorporates the invisible Church as well, Paul's Letter to the Ephesians seemed perfectly clear -- it was clearly evident that it is through the Church that the Holy Spirit imparts the full truth to enable us to follow Jesus through the earth and into heaven.

[David W. Emery]

She says they aren't a big deal, just have faith, quit worrying about it. i love my wife so very much. i just... quite frankly i was not expecting this outcome!

What she is saying is that she does not want to deal with it. Head in the sand. Or perhaps this is the only way she knows how to deal with it. Regardless of which it is, her stance will be a huge barrier to your communications — and therefore your progress on the issue of laying the groundwork — unless you can work your way around it.

Your wife knows you are reading those books on sola scriptura — one pro and the other con. Maybe she also needs to know that, for now at least, you are trying to hold to the “pro” stance, but the arguments for the other side seem pretty strong, and that this is what you need help with. In other words, you need her input on why those arguments are no problem, not a simple-minded declaration that “faith” will take care of any doubt. Because right now, she recommending not faith but denial of the reality of your doubt.

David

[Talithacumi]

"I swear on my father's grave that I will not kill you until you reach the top." 

Welcome Bumble!

There are no easy answers on how to tell a spouse of your growing interest in another view of faith. I suppose that the effect would be sort of like culture shock. Along with that, I suspect that your wife doesn't wish to trouble herself with questions she's never really thought about and probably has no wish to pursue. It seems she might be the type to believe in a "simple Jesus." You know the old saying, "Ignorance is bliss." Sometimes it really is. When one can plead ignorance, one doesn't need to claim responsibility for certain things.

She may tell you not to worry and to just have faith. That is her understanding of things and may be the only thing she knows to suggest in how to help you. It's a hard thing to refute, especially when it's right there in the Bible - to have faith. It's just that our understanding of that, as Catholics, is a little different than the Protestant understanding. Catholics believe that faith and reason go hand in hand. The teachings of Jesus may have been simple in the sense that what He spoke was simple Truth, but the Truth really isn't always all that simple, is it? And the application of that Truth is certainly not.

You may not be able to convince your wife that things aren't so simple, but try to help her understand that for you, they aren't, and explain to her why they aren't. She will likely think you're over-analyzing things. That's just a chance you'll have to take. It might be one of those "we'll just to agree to disagree" type of things. The important thing is to keep the disagreements from exploding into vicious arguments. Tell her you're struggling with certain questions and ask for her understanding and support even if she doesn't have the same struggles or doesn't agree with you. Seek her out on her thoughts so that she feels involved with your struggles rather than as if she's in opposition to you. Sometimes I think that when one spouse starts to become interested in Catholisicm, part of the reason for a heightened sense of defensiveness is because the balance between the two spouses becomes upset. The non-Catholic spouse feels threatened by this new invasion of Catholicism into the marriage. In this case, the leaning-towards-Catholicism spouse has to find some way of deflecting that sense of invasion. In other words, you have to convince her that you love her no matter what, whether she wants to be Catholic or not. You have to help her understand that even though she may not be able to agree with you, you also have needs as a husband; you need her to accept you for who you are - and who you are is a man struggling with questions. That's where you're at and she just needs to deal with it.

If it gets to a point where she starts threatening that she'll leave you if you continue your search into Catholicism, my thought (and this is just me, OK?) is that you have to remain calm and simply take the attitude that, "Hey, this is where I am. I love you and want us to stay together, but I have to do what I have to do. You either accept me or you don't." Easier said than done, but that's the way it is in life sometimes, eh?

I will be praying for both of you. Take care and remember that this forum is for people just like you. I hope you will find this place a support for you where you can present your questions and concerns. I know all of us on here will do our best to help you.

God bless +

JMJ
- Cheri

[Pani Rose]

Take time to read the conversion stories on here.  I think you  will find a lot of good advise and see how God moves what seems to be  'impossible' to 'unitive'.  God bless!

[kersca]

Michael,

It seems to me you have two different problems and it might be more effective to deal with them separately. First is the whole crisis of conscience. You seem to be at the point where you have been shown some alternative paths of faith. These conflict with your Baptist tradition and seem to be more credible than you believed or had been taught. That's problem number one. It has to do with you and God. It affects your wife, but ultimately you will answer to a higher authority than her on that one. The second problem is your relationship with your wife. You haven't been open about your thoughts with her because you are afraid she will reject you (your ideas anyway). Have you considered that your spiritual wanderings might make her feel rejected?You are the one who is moving away from what you shred in common. Now, the correct response is not to just ignore the Holy Spirit and the path He is leading you along. The appropriate response is to be hones, but in such a way that lets her know you need her support in this, even if she doesn't agree. Right now it is something that has caused you to be disghionest and secretive. That is wrong. Here is a good idea of how to put it to her...

"Darling, I love you. I have been going about this all wrong. I was having thoughts and ideas that were consuming me and I kept them hidden from you because I was afraid you would reject me in one way or another. I realize that was wrong on many levels. I need you to love me, and I can't live in fear that you will not love the person I am becoming. I love you that way, no matter what, no matter how much I disagree, I will always love you. So, forgive me. I will be more honest. I want you to love me for who I am. I want you to know who it is that you love"

Try that out. She may never become Catholic but that is the Holy Spirit's job, not yours.

Adam