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geeiapet
Member
| Joined: | Sun Jun 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | West Columbia, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1 |
| First Name: | Geeia | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Jewish; United Church of Christ; non-denom.; Lutheran; 7th-Day Adventist; Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2007 03:13 pm |
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Hello, all,
I really, really need prayers from all of you. Hopefully this isn't out of place since I just joined these forums yesterday.
I came into the church on Easter Vigil 2006 after leaving an Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) seminary Master's of Divinity program. I will post more about my conversion story later on. I am a married woman with no kids--and it's very likely that my husband and I will be unable to have any due to infertility problems.
Unfortunately, even though I have been fully initiated into the Church, I still struggle mightily with fear, obedience, and trust. You would think that I would have met one-on-one with my parish priest--or any priest for that matter--before, during, or after RCIA, but I have not. And my parish priest has not contacted me so that we may get together either.
While going throughout the RCIA process, I didn't even really receive any significant spiritual direction from my sponsor. For whatever reason, she didn't / couldn't guide me through the process. But everyone seemed to think I would be OK because I had just "come from seminary". And, in retrospect, I can see that my pride allowed me to just float along with the status quo.
While I have received the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I know that God wants me to meet with someone for deeper spiritual direction, but I keep avoiding it. During the Sacrament I have not chosen the option to meet with the priest face to face. Nor have I contacted any priest for an appointment to do so.
It's just that I can't get away from some feelings of deep, deep unworthiness. Intellectually I know that this is a ploy of Satan, but I can't seem to shake it. I keep running and running from God. My sense of call to public speaking / preaching has not gone away--although I fully accept that it is the role of the ordained to preach during mass. I am so afraid. Over and over again in prayer, or in other ways, I feel like God is still prodding me over and over again to "speak".
But I am so morally and spiritually weak. My priest (without meeting with me one-on-one) and my Director of Religious Education assumed that since I came to the Church from a seminary that I was spiritually fit to become the new RCIA Coordinator once the new one resigned from this volunteer position. I accepted, but have not fulfilled my commitment well.
I have such feelings of inadequacy, lack of strong organizational skills, etc. I continue to struggle with the effects of childhood abuse and have yet to find a good counselor and/or spiritual guide. I still struggle with some serious sins stemming in part from the abuse I have experienced. For example, my marriage needs to be convalidated by the Church because my fallen-away Catholic husband married me outside the Church without a dispensation from the Bishop. And, since I am not living as brother and sister with my husband, I am currently living in sin. (And my husband has no desire whatsoever to participate in the convalidation ceremony because he completely rejects the authority of the Church and is offended that the Church considers our marriage "invalid". He has never formally notified the Church in writing as Pope Benedict XVI has declared to be necessary for the Church to consider him to no longer to be under the authority of the Magisterium.)
So please, please pray for me. I currently serve as a lector and the RCIA Coordinator. Over and over people tell me that I have extraordinary speaking and teaching abilities. But I know in my heart that I am not a good adminstrator or a coordinator. And as a leader, since I am providing an occasion of grave sin for my husband and I, I am a source of scandal for the church.
It seems that my parish is just happy to have anyone at all take on this volunteer position since our Director of Religious Education left last fall and we're all just trying to keep catechesis going. I am happy to teach sessions for RCIA, but at this point in time I am not serving our inquirers, candidates, and catechumens well as their coordinator.
I constantly feel God pushing me use my speaking and teaching abilities to bring him glory, yet I can't get beyond my fear. I am still a baby Catholic. And I have feelings of overwhelming fear and embarrassment about approaching my parish priest about all this. I am not serving God or others very well.
Thank you for listening to all of this and for your prayers and suggestions.
Geeia
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CajunRick
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Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2007 04:04 pm |
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geeiapet wrote: I really, really need prayers from all of you. Hopefully this isn't out of place since I just joined these forums yesterday.
It is never out of place to ask a fellow Christian for prayer. Welcome to the Coming Home Network and to the Catholic faith.
We have several forum members who are in your home state, so maybe one of them will be able to suggest a good source for spiritual direction. Of course, it does sound like you have not approached your priest about this issue. I would suggest that is teh best place to start. A local convent or monastery might also be a good place to find spritual direction.
Meanwhile, we are happy to have you here with us, and we will help you on your faith journey in any way we can.
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Annie
Banned
| Joined: | Wed Feb 14th, 2007 |
| Location: | Columbus, Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 731 |
| First Name: | Annie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | nothing, Quaker, Mennonite, Presbyterian, Methodist, Anglican, Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2007 04:24 pm |
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Talk to your priest and give him an opportunity to step up to the plate and walk the talk (to mix metaphors). I think you will be surprised at how unworthy we all are and how priests feel they are too and we are all in this same boat on the stormy ocean together.
bailing out some water,
Annie
____________________
Annie
Ora et labora
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Credo Catholic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1552 |
| First Name: | Marsha | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Jun 4th, 2007 07:32 pm |
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Dear Geeia, Welcome to the Forum! I totally understand what you are saying about the need for one-on-one spiritual counsel. I suspect that the members of your church may believe you are the one with the answers having been to seminary. And you may be selling yourself short in confidence, but you can't be your own "physician." I suggest you make an attempt to have a get-to-know-you talk, however brief, with your priest. If you don't feel comfortable with him, look to another nearby parish. The more you put it off, the harder it gets to get going. I can recommend a wonderful priest in our parish who is the most easy to talk to person you'll ever meet, but it would take you an hour and a half to get here. There is also a retreat called Mepkin Abbey in Moncks Corner, S.C. I've never been there and can't personally recommend it but their website says they offer spiritual counseling on request. It sounds like the Lord is truly calling you to a vocation of some sort, and he will make use of your education and talents. Even though the priesthood is not open to women (and for good reason!) there are many opportunities for us to teach and help others. I pray you will find the right path .
God bless,
Marsha
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