 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
princessleah
Member
| Joined: | Tue Mar 27th, 2007 |
| Location: | Adelaide, Australia |
| Posts: | 19 |
| First Name: | Leah | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Adelaide to Rome, I'd say I'm at about Naples!! |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 10:28 pm |
|
My faith journey is a real roller coaster at the moment. Its full of ecstatic highs and crushing lows. It seems that whenever I make some sort of 'progress' I always get stuck on the same 'roadblocks'. And the higher I go each time things are going well, the harder I fall when I have doubts.
For months my faith stagnated. I was too scared to even begin to read about Catholicism (because that would be admitting that I thought there was truth to it!!) Then all of a sudden something snapped and I started reading and understanding a great deal about the faith.
And then recently I have had a burning desire to attend Mass every Sunday (I work a job that requires me to work some Sundays). And I was absorbing everything I read (which was everything I could get my hands on)! This forum was so helpful in answering a lot of questions that came up.
But just this week I've had one of those 'crushing lows' - where I realise what Im doing is casuing me to lose my family, where I realise I my friends are driting away. I would do anything to find a female, close to me in age, that could be a friend to me in all this, because I feel so alone.
Its the same things that I get stuck on too: the whole concept of Mary, but perhaps more so this fear of abandoning my faith of 20 years and stepping into an unknown (that I'm not yet completely convinced about). I am at a point where I am convinced enough that what I've left behind (pentecostal Church) isn't right, but not yet convinced enough that Catholicism is right. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.
I find it so hard to pray to God - because a part of me feels like I dont know His character anymore. I dont know what to pray, how to pray. I used to pray for hours at a time. Now I dont even feel like God is inside of me anymore.
I guess I say all of this in desperation. I dont know who else to turn to to ask for help. I've lost my family and friends. I need to feel Gods love again, because right now I just feel empty. I want to be able to pray again. I want BGod to show me the truth, and I want to know its the truth. I want to overcoem this same doubts and fears that I keep stumbling at. I would appreciate anyone that could join me in praying for these things.
|
|
|
bjbouwer
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Wisconsin USA |
| Posts: | 54 |
| First Name: | Bonnie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian Scientist, pinball Christian, RCC in 2006 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 11:17 pm |
|
All I can do for you is pray -- and share with you that most of who have converted have had to ride a similar roller coaster.
/\
____________________
Bonnie in WI
|
|
|
David W. Emery
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2277 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
| Status: |
Online
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 11:52 pm |
|
Leah, I pray daily for you and the others on this forum who need God’s closeness as you walk through this valley of darkness and doubt.
Something you must realize, however, is that your difficulties are absolutely normal. Yes, normal! If you had not entered this phase of the journey — the whitewater rapids, we might call it — I would seriously doubt that you are on the right track. Look about you: there are a number of forum members who are passing through the same stage. You would be well advised to read their posts and see for yourself that you are by no means alone.
Right now you can’t go back, but you can’t move ahead, either. You are cut off from returning to your old life, but you are unsure of whether you can accept what God seems to be proposing. Every sincere seeker of God goes through this. It is an intense period of growth — hidden growth that you will only be able to see afterwards.
You want the truth. Ask God for the truth. He will grant it to you. I dare say he has already handed you a large helping of it, and you are staggering under its weight. But he will strengthen you if you have courage and continue to pray that you will follow his truth wherever it leads. He will give you the strength to do this, and in the end you will find peace.
You say, “I dont know what to pray, how to pray. I used to pray for hours at a time. Now I don’t even feel like God is inside of me any more.” Yet he is there. Christians are called to faith, not feeling. Feelings are what you left behind with the Pentecostals. You know that. So just hang onto God’s shirttails and let him lead you to genuine faith beyond feeling.
David
|
|
|
setapart
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 239 |
| First Name: | Bill | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Born Catholic, Non-Denominational Charismatic, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 12:34 am |
|
Leah,
I agree with David. The road is like a roller coaster. I have been on the same ride as you have. I am reminded of John Bunyon's book, "Pilgrim's Progress". Christian, who is the main character, encounters all kinds of traps, other travelers, and pitfalls along the way. He is also helped along during the times of doubt and is rescued several times from the pit. I believe that one reason why God allow us to experience these ups and downs is to help us realize that we need His help and that when we are lifted out the pit of despair, we can, with greater appreciation, thank God for His mercies. I encourage you to look back to the times when you were last lifted up knowing that while you were in the midst of it the darkness was just as dark then as it is for you right now.
A verse from Psalm 139:11-12: 11 If I say, "Surely darkness shall hide me, and night shall be my light" -- 12 Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one.
Psalms 139:11-12 (NAB)
God Bless
Bill
____________________
But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture. Mal 4:2
|
|
|
Serina
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jun 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 28 |
| First Name: | Serina | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Cradle Catholic, Lapsed, Now Hopelessly Devoted |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 01:58 am |
|
Peace Be With You Leah~
When I read your post, the first thing that came to my mind was....Peter and the apostles. I can only imagine that they went through the same kind of feelings you are going through now--with them going through intense feelings of finding the truth, leaving family and friends behind, persecution, anxiety, uncertainty about what to do. Maybe you should pray to the Saint apostles and ask them to pray for you.
Also, remember, sometimes the only way we can get closer to God is when we die of ourselves--which means we have to LET GO...give everything to God. TOTAL SURRENDER! Just let go, and let God. He has plans for you Leah, and He is just waiting for you to give Him permission to use you for His glory.
It has been many years since I returned to the Church. I remember the exact day it happened--I was running 100 miles an hour, felt like I had no control of anything, everything seemed to be spinning, and then I collapsed from physical and mental exhaustion. I literally was in bed for several days, but once I was able to at least get out of bed, I still suffered from severe panic attackes. I suffered from these for many years, saw many doctors, had many workups, was placed on antianxiety meds. It was during that year that God started molding me with His hands, or some might say He was pruning me back so that I could bloom in the Spring. It has been several years now, and I am at a point now (and believe me it was not an overnight change, it was slow growth) in my life where I can see exactly what God was doing to me, and the grace He has given me has set me free from the chains I felt were holding me back. I now felt I went through my Dark Night of the Soul. Today I am anxiety free, I know more about my precious Catholic faith (which I would not trade for the world), and most importantly....GOD HAS TAUGHT ME THROUGH THIS CROSS I CARRIED MANY YEARS AGO TO....JUST LET GO OF EVERYTHING.
Of course, God is not finished with me. He has much more work to do on me. I guess we are all unfinished UNTIL we get to heaven--our ultimate destination!!
God Bless.
Last edited on Thu Jun 7th, 2007 01:59 am by Serina
____________________
Our Lady of Fatima said, "Certain fashions will be introduced which will offend Our Divine Lord very much. Those who serve God ought not to follow these fashions."
|
|
|
Tina in Ashburn
Member
| Joined: | Mon May 21st, 2007 |
| Location: | Ashburn, Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 282 |
| First Name: | Tina | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Cradle Roman Catholic, Ukranian Catholic, presently practicing as Roman Latin ... |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 09:31 am |
|
HI Leah, Yeah as David and everyone says here, your experiences are perfectly normal. When I go through these extremely unpleasant times I find it hard to remember to offer up the sufferings and tell God I want to be united to His Will. These trials are sent to you for a specific reason, so although you feel far from God, He is actually nearer to you. He has picked out this cross specifically for you. Its a Gift for your advancement.
I used to pray for hours at a time. Now I dont even feel like God is inside of me anymore.
St John of the Cross discusses spiritual dryness. What draws us to prayer is the sweetness. When that sweetness stops and we feel abandoned by God, St John says that God is actually closer to us. In one way its a test: are you looking for the "high" of prayer or are you going to look for ME? St John says to keep praying through this and you will be eventually rewarded with improved intimacy with God. For some, this "Dark Night of the Soul" can go on for years - but that is for very special people. Some people never experience it. For most of us, it is an on-and-off experience.
Jesus' time in the desert for 40 days is a hyperbole of stages of prayerlife. We must go to a silent, deserted place to focus on our God. Sometimes it is a lonely experience.
Alternatively you may be simply distracted and letting your fears overcome you. Let go. Trust in God. You are doing the right thing. Keep at it. God Bless you!!
I get huge comfort in difficulty by thinking about my dear Guardian Angel. Your angel is RIGHT THERE with you, praying for you, bringing you comfort and inspiration. Fighting alongside you shoulder to shoulder. Talk with your angel throughout the day. I can tell you this never fails me.
In prayer,
____________________
Tina
Arlington Diocese
|
|
|
Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 12:30 pm |
|
Dearest Princess: My faith journey is a real roller coaster at the moment. So is mine! Its full of ecstatic highs and crushing lows. I definitely can relate.It seems that whenever I make some sort of 'progress' I always get stuck on the same 'roadblocks'. Me too! And the higher I go each time things are going well, the harder I fall when I have doubts. Definitely me!
For months my faith stagnated. I was too scared to even begin to read about Catholicism (because that would be admitting that I thought there was truth to it!!) Then all of a sudden something snapped and I started reading and understanding a great deal about the faith. For several years I could only see quick flashes, brief glimpses. Could Catholicism really be right? But the prejudices built up within me for so many years kept me from pursuing any further.
And then recently I have had a burning desire to attend Mass every Sunday (I work a job that requires me to work some Sundays). I too, found Mass drawing and irresistable. Sad to say, I have not gone in over a month now. I want to go, but it is like the verse, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." I don't want to go through the hassle of telling my husband. The result has been that I just don't even want to go to church at all. The last time I attended church was on Mother's Day, and I didn't take Communion. And I was absorbing everything I read (which was everything I could get my hands on)! This forum was so helpful in answering a lot of questions that came up. Yes, isn't it great.
But just this week I've had one of those 'crushing lows' - where I realise what Im doing is casuing me to lose my family, where I realise I my friends are driting away. Yes, I know what you mean. At one point, about 5 - 6 months ago, I couldn't wait to tell my Protestant friends about the Catholic faith. Now all I want to do is be in seclusion and away from them. The last thing I want to do is have a debate with them about the Catholic faith. I would do anything to find a female, close to me in age, that could be a friend to me in all this, because I feel so alone. Yes, I do understand that as well. But just within the last few weeks the Lord has provided me with a friend who is also on the path to the Catholic Church, and believe it or not, she is on this forum. And what is more surprising, she and I were in the same cult together and have known each other for many years. I called her this past Friday, and we spoke for quite awhile. One thing to keep in mind though, is that I have been on this journey for almost a year now, and so much of it has been a very lonely road to hoe.
Its the same things that I get stuck on too: the whole concept of Mary, Yes, me also, but I just read some things that really surprised me, such as beliefs that the Reformation hero Martin Luther had about her. He had very Catholic ideas about her, something Protestants would rather sweep under the rug. but perhaps more so this fear of abandoning my faith of 20 years and stepping into an unknown (that I'm not yet completely convinced about). That is very normal. I have been a Protestant for over 30 years. I went through a period of not wanting to abandon them, fearful I would hurt them by my decision and fearful I would lose their friendship. As it is, not many of them even know at this point that I am on the road to the Catholic faith. I dread the "attitude" that will come my way, the same "attitude" I gave others while abiding in my anti-Catholic mode. I am at a point where I am convinced enough that what I've left behind (pentecostal Church) isn't right, but not yet convinced enough that Catholicism is right. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. And guess what, this too is normal. Don't try to hurry things along. When I spoke to a priest about this, he said not to try and force things along. He reminded me that this is a journey and to proceed with caution, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me.
I find it so hard to pray to God - because a part of me feels like I dont know His character anymore. I dont know what to pray, how to pray. I used to pray for hours at a time. Now I dont even feel like God is inside of me anymore. I went through a period of discovering intercessory prayer and meditative prayer as I began to study Catholicism, something I hadn't discovered as a Protestant. (although there are Protestants who do discover this kind of prayer, I never did till encountering the Catholic faith. And I seldom heard it preached in the pulpit.) However, right now, I am like you. I hear a voice within me calling me to prayer, but I have been resisting. When I do pray, it is dry and without emotion. I am not consistent nor prevailing in prayer as I had been. I know that this too will pass. The point is, we both need to discipline ourselves to pray, whether we want to or not. You said that you feel as though you don't know His character anymore. Let me assure you, that what you have learned about the Lord Jesus thus far, has for the most part, been very biblical and right. You need not discard that. Many converts from Evangelicalism to Catholicism say they took the best that they learned from Protestantism with them into their Catholic faith. You too, can do that. For example, yesterday I needed to pray, but just wanted to pray as I have prayed all these years, prior to my desire for things Catholic. So I prayed to Jesus. I prayed to Him in my car. I asked Him to please lead me into the truth, His truth, and to help me during this most difficult time of inner turmoil. I just prayed as a Christian, not a Catholic and not a Protestant.
I guess I say all of this in desperation. I dont know who else to turn to to ask for help. I've lost my family and friends. Have you really lost them? Perhaps some of them just need time to process what you are doing. Pray for them, and continue to love them. Ask Jesus to show you how He wants you to love them. I need to feel Gods love again, because right now I just feel empty. I too, do not "feel" God's love for me right now. But I have gone through these same feelings many times, even as a Protestant. It is part of our faith journey. I want to be able to pray again. I want BGod to show me the truth, and I want to know its the truth. I want to overcoem this same doubts and fears that I keep stumbling at. This takes time, sister.I would appreciate anyone that could join me in praying for these things. Let me encourage you to take your time and be patient. God knows and understands what you are going through. And so do many of us here on the forum, since we are on this journey together. Do not despair. And read my post on "Breaking Up is Hard To Do," if you haven't yet. I also know that God is calling me in a direction away from Protestant Fundamentalism -Evangelicalism. But I'm just not ready to take that leap over the Tiber yet. I have unfinished business that I must take care of. I must say that I am at peace and resolved about leaving strict Fundamentalist beliefs. God has brought you and I a long way, and He will continue to lead us. Don't hurry Him. "And let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart." Galations 6:9 Remember, it takes time for the harvest. First, we must till the soil. Then plant the seeds. Then water the seeds. Then wait for the seeds to grow. When they sprout, we must continue to water the sprouts so that they come to full growth. All the while, we must depend upon the proper weather so that the harvest will be a bountiful one. And all of this takes time. In the meantime, know that there are many here on this forum who will be praying for you. In Christ's Love, Darlene - BTW, have you joined RCIA yet? This would be a good time to do so. You will meet others who are inquiring into the Catholic faith and you have the opportunity to learn, to question and to grow. And as Rick has pointed out, joining RCIA doesn't bind you into becoming a member of the Catholic Church. Hope you consider this avenue.
____________________
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
|
|
|
brian
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Chicago South Burbs, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 854 |
| First Name: | brian | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | methodist, evangelical, anglican, catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 03:17 pm |
|
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. Many are praying for you. I do not know how to advise you, but I want to encourage you somehow. I do know that it is important to trust God and try to see things at His pace. We are the ones who can not bear the tension and need to know where we are going and take on too much at once. It is only the presesnt moment which need concern us. The past we can not change or fix (though we learn from it hopefully) and the future we do not know and the possiblities of things that may never happen will crush us. So I would tell you to let things fall into pace for yourself, while still diligently seeking and keeping your eyes open.
But try to as always put your relationship with God first. He is close to you and will never leave you orphaned. Try to keep working at your prayer life and remember essentially our relationship with God is one of love. Do not forget about the love in the midst of trying to solve the deepeer questions. I think others have told you some usueful things as well about how you probably are gworing more than you know and how normal your feelings are.
I remember being afraid of committing idolatry or offending God, and I think that He kept encouraging me to keep going despite my fears and seemed to prove to me I was on the right track. Ultimately, I just could not stop. I was compelled to keep moving on this journey despite the times it seems to dificult or overbearing. I think you might be on this path. Too confused to move forward, to compelled to turn away. Just keep at it and eventually I think you will more comfortably move ahead by grace. Remember that we can only do so much for ourselves, that is why prayer is crucial. You need strength from Him and help to see and do things you are incapable of without grace.
Really I do not know what to tell you. I guess I just want to say something helpful. But I do think that you simply need to keep seeking Him and try to keep praying as best you can, and not see your spiritual life entirely as a quest for answers, but a uniting of yourself to the Trinity and God's love.
Even after becoming Catholic I need to remember that it is not necessarily the end, but a place to guide me as I penetrate further into the mysteries of God.
I find that being Catholic provides me with the truth, unites me to the church, protects me from error, and guides me to Christ. It does not do everything for me though, so much as provide me th etools and truths to keep going. You do not have this, but you are only accountable for what you are given, so concentrate on finding God as best you can with what you currently know, and as the Holy Spirit guides you, follow.
I feel like I am rambling and not hitting what I would like to tell you, but I just want you to know I can relate to you and think you can make it.
As far as Mary goes, try to not wory about her more than you need to at once. Go at your pace. Just remember, we essentially believe that she prays for us. There are other dogmas and beliefs that are hard to resolve for former protestants, but she is simply someone who loves and prays for us. Like we are praying for you. There is really nothing too frightening about hat, and the more we expereince it the more wonderful it seems. She loves us and we love her. She is not dead, but alive in heaven, and she is not first, but like other Christians comes to our aid in getting to know Jesus more and more.
I think the key is to challenge yourself and to ask God for help but to not worry about going too far too fast. slow and steady wins the race. don't burnout, neither dropout. I think you will be fine.
As for losing friends or family, well this is difficult to address. It will hurt no matter what I say. But I do know that we see many wonderful promises in the gospels to those who arew willing to be persecuted, or separate themselves from comfort of family for the sake of Jesus. You are joining the ranks of great heroes of the faith with the greater loss you experience for the sake of Christ. It will still hurt, but great will be your reward. I hope that the dmage will be minimized though. Try not to fight with your friends, but in charity seek common ground and defend yourself where you can and share your faith when you see an open door to do so, but try to avoid tense arguments if they are not somewhat mutually agreeable. Sometimes they are unavoidable, but other times we walk right into themand let our emotions play too big a role. I think at times it was me trying to hard to prove myself right and forgetting to focus on the relaitonships. I am getting more adjusted, but at first the more Catholic I saw myself the more difficult it was at times to not constantly be aware of the tension. In time some people drew away from me, some grew interested in my thoughts, and some just accepted it whether they liked it or not and the relationship continues.
Sorry for the rambling. All the best and keep us updated so we can kep praying you through along the way.
Brian
|
|
|
Current time is 03:15 pm | |
|
|
|
|
|
