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Candlemass
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| Location: | Hudson, Ohio USA |
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| First Name: | Mark | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic, AOG, Baptist, non - denominational, Anglican, CC for life! |
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 08:19 pm |
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Something I posted at another site, wich is how I found this one:
I went to EWTN and checked out the audio archives, I found the one titled "Comming Home" listened to a bit of the woman who was exploring her Catholic roots, kind of what I'm doing now. I'm going to risk some self disclosure here, I can always leave the board, I'm good at running! I was placed in Catholic orphanage when my mother decided she couldn't take on two boys out of wedlock, I was placed in a foster home for about a year before I was adopted. My parents raised me Catholic, I loved the Church as a little boy, I remember loving God and praying all the time, I also remember the day I never wanted to go back. I was standing in the front yard w/my dad, and I told him I never wanted to go back to Sunday school, I can't spell the term and I'm too lazy to look it up, he said it was ok, we also started going sparatically to church, untill we finally stopped. I stoped praying as well, I gained weight, I withdrew from everyone, and did poorly in school, I was rarely there, mostly daydreaming w/my eyes out the window. My junior year I discovered porn and alchohol, then my senior year pot, and then my drug of choice, LSD. I loved to trip, talk about leaving this world, it was unspeakable joy! I also began to develop an interest in the dark side, I wanted to know the mysteries of Satan, and I began to increase my dosage every time I tripped. The summer before I left for the marines, I took six hits of microdot, the trip started out great, and then things began to change, fear set in. I went with my friend to get his car, on the way back the car seemed to be going on the same road over and over, I looked at my friend and asked him if this was forever, he said no Mark, we're going back to the fire! When we got at the camp site, I went to get out of his car, when I looked down I saw a black abyss that had no end, I slammed the door and shook w/terror! I finally mustered the courage to get out of the car, I felt like I was falling forever, untill some of my friends were standing around me, though I had no idea who they were. Most of them left in fear, two of my best friends stayed, had they not, I would have surely killed myself! I tried to run off a nearby bridge, they ran after me and pulled me back to the camp site, then I jumped into the bon fire, and they dragged me out, they later told me I kept trying to go back in the fire, so they had to hold me down for several hours. They finally left me laying on the ground in a catotonic state, I remember bobbing my head back and forth and then my head jerked back and I saw a black shape leave my body and go off in the air. Right after that I called for my friend, and he said; can I talk to you Mark? I said yea man, what happened? He replied; you were in hell! There was much more I remember about that night, but what I have written should suffice! I went off to the marines, continued to drop acid, the trips were never as good, but I pressed on. Had a bad trip at home on leave, but it was no big deal, left the next day for 29 Palms California. Had a bad trip there and ended up in the San Brenadino county jail, in my cell I couldn't remember why they arrested me, I thought God had put me there for all my sins and I was there for life. I was just about to drown myself in the toilet, then I had a thought I'd go to hell for that, so I decided I'd serve my life sentance, untill I came down and remembered what I had done that night! A few weeks later, I took some green dragon blotter, before that I used to fantasize it was the body of Satan! The trip was hellish once again, I was in torment all night, but not as out of controll as the first time. I saw and felt things that night I can not begin to describe! I came down in the morning, but something was different this time, something was drastically wrong. A week later I went to a friends room to smoke some hash, now I did not hear voices, but I could not shake this feeling; "Mark, this is wrong, don't do it" I made some excuse and returned to my room, I took out my stash of porn, the same feeling; Mark, this is wrong!" I started freaking out, went to my best friends room, the one whom I tripped with a week earlier, we smoked a little pot and he played one of the songs we listened to on that trip, I had my first flashback, everything felt like it did that night, and when I looked at him he said; this is where it's hell man! Even as I type this, I can feel a bit of what it was like, I don't like to talk about this! When I asked him why he said that, he replied, I never said that! I left his room to go outside for a walk, I talked to God for the first time in years, I just told Him I was scared, and asked Him what was happening to me? I began to seek help, but this same feeling came over me; "no one can help you!" I met some woman whom I became friends with, she started to share the Gospel with me, that same feeling again, this time; "this is what your looking for, this is what you need!" I feel to my knees on the street and asked Christ to forgive me, I never cried so hard and so long in all my life! I would like to tell you a happy ending here, but I can not, they told me at that church my Catholic upbringing was wrong, that the Church was in grevious error. I would bounce in and out of church for years, always falling back into sexual sin. I have had such self loathing for all I have done, I once took glass and carved two deep and long lasserations in my arm, told a woman once to give me some death, she took the glass and cut my throat, just missing my arttery, I almost bled to death on the way to the hospital. Jumped a guy at a party, he later came after me on the street and smashed my head into the sidewalk, I had a cerebral hematoma, the priest gave me last rites at the hospital, I could go on and on! Recently I had a sinful relationship that ended, I became suicidal, so utterly depressed! I decided I wanted to find my birth mother, I'm not sure why, perhaps to find out what her and my father were like. The laws in Ohio make it near impossible to locate your birth parents, I looked on line and found this Catholic organazation called "Search Angels" I gave them a call and provided them with as much information as I could, they said they would do what they could, but be prepared to wait at least a year. I visited the Church I was baptized at, they let me into the sanctuary, I lit a candle and prayed that God would help me in my search. A week later the woman fron the angency called to tell me she found my mother! She said she couldn't believe how lucky I was, I had an idea it wasn't luck! I'm going to meet my mother and my brother for the first time this memorial day, kind of a fitting date! Wich brings me to the question, why am I here? I have some christian friends who care deeply for me, many of them I met on line only, but some from my church. My church has been great to me, even though I have not been good to her, so why am I here? I must admit, the whole time I was in that church I was baptized at, I sat in the pew and cried, I miss the Catholic Church, but I don't know if She misses me, and I don't know if She could ever forgive me, I feel so homeless.
I listened to the rest of that show w/Joy Pinto, was in tears for much of it! I am not here to bash Protestants, or to refer to them as inferior christians, but my life and faith has not worked in their world, my world has lost it's meaning, the Catholic Church may be my last hope!
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"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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CajunRick
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 08:34 pm |
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Candlemass wrote: my world has lost it's meaning, the Catholic Church may be my last hope!
Mark, welcome to the Coming Home Network, and welcome home to the Catholic Church.
The path home is an easy one for you. Your Savior and your Church wait with open arms, like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son, for your return. If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to find a church and reacquaint yourself with the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. Go sit with him and tell him your problems. Your Good Shepherd tells you that there will be more joy in heaven for one sinner who returns than for 99 who have no need of repentance. Let him wrap you with God's love. Then meet with the priest.
None of us are worthy; so you are certainly no less worthy than the rest of us. Jesus died for your sins, as well as for mine and all the rest of us. The first step in getting your life back on track is to welcome God back into your life. With God's help, you can be cleansed of the devils you have faced. But you must ask God for help. You must ask the priest for forgiveness. That's all you need to do to start on the road back home.
We will be praying for you. Once again, welcome home.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 08:48 pm |
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| How do you know if your beyond the grace of God, to wit, that you may have sinned away your day of grace?
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 08:55 pm |
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It is impossible to be beyond God’s reach and grace. He is everywhere and all-powerful. You have but to ask him and he will respond; he despises no one, not even you. Allow him to heal you, Mark. No one is ever lost if he allows himself to be found.
David
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 09:00 pm |
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| I was taught in some Protestant circles that my sin of turning from Christ, (apostasy), after knowing the truth of the gospel, I could never be restored according to Hebrews 6 & 10, don't mind saying it has freaked me out over the years, actually, a far worse bondage than any other!
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"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 09:06 pm |
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I know what you are referring to, Mark, and the scripture doesn’t say what they claim. What apostasy means is that the person has completely turned away from God and refuses to believe, refuses to accept healing. This is the sin against the Holy Spirit. You are not doing that. You are coming to him, begging him to take you back. Do you see the difference?
You can be saved. You have been given the grace. There is no reason not to accept God’s offer.
David
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CajunRick
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 09:24 pm |
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Candlemass wrote: How do you know if your beyond the grace of God, to wit, that you may have sinned away your day of grace?
The story of the Prodigal Son tells us it is never too late to turn back and be embraced by God's grace.
The only unforgivable sin is failure to repent. That indicates a lack of hope, which is a sin against the Holy Spirit. But even that sin may be repented and forgiven. As long as there is life, there is hope.
God created the universe, and said that everything in it is good, including you. Jesus came to announce the good news that God loves you. He took to the cross, suffered, and died, to make you God's son. He sent his Holy Spirit to give you God's grace.
All you have to do is turn around. God is waiting.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 09:32 pm |
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My heart so craves intamacy w/Christ, the one thing sorely lacking in my christian life, the emptiness has made me do things unmentionable!
I have thought about what you two have said already, and I have seen God reaching out to me, I shared some of that in the opening post, but the idea of being loved, forgiven and accepted seems too good to be true! Most of my life has been hell on earth, since my childhood, I have even at times wished I was never born. Some people in the church used to be so impressed with how much I knew from the scriptures, but what they didn't know was how I would go home many a night and soak my pillow in tears because I have no intamacy w/my Saviour!
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"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 09:42 pm |
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What they didn't know was how I would go home many a night and soak my pillow in tears because I have no intimacy w/my Saviour!
Sin is the only thing that can keep your Savior from you, Mark. He longs for you as much as you long for him. Once you leave sin behind, he will be your constant companion.
How do you leave sin behind? You know. You start with confession. You receive absolution. You fulfill the penance. Then you receive your Savior in the Eucharist. His body and blood have suffered every bit as much as yours. He knows what you have been through, and he is ready to be your friend again.
So if you are ready, so is he.
David
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 09:51 pm |
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David W. Emery wrote: What they didn't know was how I would go home many a night and soak my pillow in tears because I have no intimacy w/my Saviour!
Sin is the only thing that can keep your Savior from you, Mark. He longs for you as much as you long for him. Once you leave sin behind, he will be your constant companion.
How do you leave sin behind? You know. You start with confession. You receive absolution. You fulfill the penance. Then you receive your Savior in the Eucharist. His body and blood have suffered every bit as much as yours. He knows what you have been through, and he is ready to be your friend again.
So if you are ready, so is he.
David
I am on that journey, and I covet your prayers!
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 10:16 pm |
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I am on that journey, and I covet your prayers!
You have them, Mark. Let us know how things turn out.
Jesus said to the sinful woman, “I do not condemn you. Go your way, and sin no more.” That’s easier said than done. Perseverance is the key. You may fall again, for the flesh is weak. But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep trying. Keep getting up again, beginning again, until God gives you the strength you need. He will accompany you every step of the way if you allow him to.
David
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 10:23 pm |
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Myself a little over a month ago, one week before the "wheels came off!"
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 10:29 pm |
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You’re in better shape than you think, Mark. Steady as she goes.
David
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 10:33 pm |
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David W. Emery wrote: You’re in better shape than you think, Mark. Steady as she goes.
David Perhaps you are correct, when that photo was taken, I was preparing to start another Doors tribute band, the last time I was in one, I almost went the way of "Jimbo"!
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 10:58 pm |
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Well, here we’re talking about a different kind of “new beginning.” You and God can make beautiful music together, but as you know, it takes practice. And that takes willingness. Are you ready to start?
David
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Candlemass
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Posted: Tue May 1st, 2007 11:10 pm |
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Indeed I am, I've walked away from that life, now I'm in the process of never looking back, I went to Mass last Sunday for the first time in over 25 years, I filled out the visitor's card and the priest has already contacted me, I will set up a metting asap.
As far as music goes, though I think you are speaking metaphorically, I still plan to record music much heavier and "darker" than The Doors, but unlike them, there will be a message of hope, Jim offered none!
Last edited on Tue May 1st, 2007 11:13 pm by Candlemass
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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Carolyn
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 11:10 am |
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candlemass,,,,you need to go to catholictherapists.com, you can find a catholic therapist in your area i can tell you from experience,,,that no matter what you tell them,and you can trust them, that they will say to you greater the sinner greater his mercy,,,think about that,,,,,,,you have the right to Jesus mercy more so than anyone who has been a good holyperson, and guess what? Jesus knows all and is still calling you , you are searching like I was for forgiveness and exceptance,if you go to confession humbly , and be set free from torture and torment,ever hear of FR/ Corapi? just go to his web site,,,,key in Fr. Corapi, com,,,he tells it like it is he was on drugs and did some terrible things too, if Jesus can forgive Fr. Corapi he could forgive you too, there will be a party in heaven if you go to confession.I know for me I realized that confession is like going to Jesus and saying I had enough I cant be strong without you,,,,, I am weak in this are Jesus please help, with pornography,we cant be released of that perversion unless we invite Jesus in to clean up the mess we invited in and partook in, and this only can be done with confession,you are here for a reason,,,,stop running,, your not the only one who messed up big time remember,,,The greater the sinner the greater his mercy, so there you go,why dont you order St. Faustins book Devine mercy, you will be brought to tears on how much youll find that Jesus is calling to you ,the sinner who is hopeless and lost and dosent feel worthy,,,,,,,,,God bless keep in touch, nice picture, rock and roll days should be over for you now,,,,we have to grow uo and find some peace with Jesus now, smile
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Candlemass
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 11:15 am |
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| I will look into all you have posted, though I will always be a rock-n-roll afficianado!
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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Carolyn
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 11:27 am |
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| thats okay,,,,,,,,Im asong writer myself,,,,,,,,,,my son is a rocker but he knows the responsibility of bringing the listener to the light as you heal andcome closer to Jesus, your music will reflect it, sorry if Im sounding like a nagging mom, but thats what I am a mom, who found great mercy in our lord, and is grateful, if we who have been in great darkness help show the way out to our brothers and sisters,all the sufferring was worth it God Bless
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Carolyn
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 11:57 am |
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| one more thought,,,,,,,,when I first came back to the church my catholic director reminded me,,,,that I have every right to his mercy and to be there,,,,,,,so when i felt less than others around me at church I would say to myself ,the greater the sinner the greater his mercy, that helped so much for me, at times I felt like running out,,because of my past,,,but that one thought gave me the right,more than anyone,to be there at church.just a thought, sorry for sending so many posts,,you are in my prayers i will storm the heavens,for you to heal a nd be at peace,because Im a nagging mom,,smile
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Candlemass
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 03:56 pm |
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Carolyn wrote: one more thought,,,,,,,,when I first came back to the church my catholic director reminded me,,,,that I have every right to his mercy and to be there,,,,,,,so when i felt less than others around me at church I would say to myself ,the greater the sinner the greater his mercy, that helped so much for me, at times I felt like running out,,because of my past,,,but that one thought gave me the right,more than anyone,to be there at church.just a thought, sorry for sending so many posts,,you are in my prayers i will storm the heavens,for you to heal a nd be at peace,because Im a nagging mom,,smile
"For where sin abounded, grace abounded more"
It's ok mom!
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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Carolyn
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 06:00 pm |
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| okay now keep in touch and tell us when youve gone to confession,its easy, just read FR< Corapis story on when he went to confession,,,it will give you courage,,go to FR. Corapi.com. God Bless .........mom,,smile
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Candlemass
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 11:55 pm |
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I promised cajunrick I would call the priest tomorrow to set up an appointment, just wanted to post this here to ask you all to pray for me, and to hold me accountable to do what I said I would do!
____________________
"For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries."--1st Peter 4:3 NKJV
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CajunRick
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Posted: Thu May 3rd, 2007 12:02 am |
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Candlemass wrote: I promised cajunrick I would call the priest tomorrow to set up an appointment, just wanted to post this here to ask you all to pray for me, and to hold me accountable to do what I said I would do!
We will hold you to it!
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Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Talithacumi
Member
| Joined: | Sat Sep 30th, 2006 |
| Location: | Eastern Ohio, USA |
| Posts: | 248 |
| First Name: | Cheri | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Cradle Catholic - Latin Rite |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Thu May 3rd, 2007 01:06 am |
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