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rrammfcitktturjsp012006
Member
| Joined: | Thu Nov 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Midland, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 42 |
| First Name: | Anne | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | C of C, Wicca, Satanist, Atheist, Agnostic, Baptist, Unity, and ... |
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 01:32 am |
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To All,
Good evening. I am blessed with about an hour to write and so will try to write as much as possible tonight before heading to bed.
I left off in part one where I started to look outside of Christainity. Keep in mind that my parents were Church of Christ and very devout. Every night we closed with prayers, where we would read Scripture or a bible story or a meditation, sing 3 songs, and we all would pray. I had it down to a knack lol, I often prayed "Dear Lord, thank you for this day and thank you for the many wonderful blessings you have given us. Help us through the night. Amen." Short and sweet lol.
At this time one of my friends in elementary school found Wicca. And so I began to research it. I discovered many things that it was open, loving, and tolerant. There were some good morals and things. So at the age 10 I began to practice it. I began to practice solitare Wicca. I began to get very entrenched with it. I found that Wiccans accepted everyone and everyone and pretty much did not care unless we were attacked for our faith.
The story jumps from 2nd grade to 6th grade to 1992-1993. Several things that are worth mentioning happened in this year. First off, my parents found out what I was doing becuase Mom had found astrological charts that had taken me weeks to prepare in my desk. Of course this prompted a search of my room and a hard time of explaining to Mom that this was art for art class. Well she did not believe me and I knew I was lying and found myself face to face with the minister of the Church of Christ. I told him that I was sorry and fed him all the lines so that he could get Mom and Dad off my back. Second thing that happened is that I had met someone who was a Satanist. Not knowing much about Christainity or Satan I accepted everything becuase I was open minded and very tolerant. I began to go to the rituals and partake in them. Thirdly this was the last year that I transferred from Brownfield to Wellman. This was to prove a great change in my life. At this time I ran away from home for the first time. I remember that night feeling so alone and depressed wishing that life would end. I was not happy. At this time my parents started me in counseling. I hated it. That night I ran away I walked barefoot from Brownfield to 2 miles outside of Meadow, I had no idea of where I was going to go or what to do. That night I should have died as the temperature was 30 degrees. During this year, I got baptized in the Church of Christ only for the sole reason to get Mom and Dad off of my back and so that they would quit hounding me. I remember shuddering during the ceremony.
During the 7th-8th grade years they were years of learning to find myself. Most if not all my friends were Christians and I felt very much alone. I found much comfort in my books, academia, and music. My 8th grade year was one in which I particpiated in a ritual that in laymens terms was an invocation. It was not until this past month did I realize what I had done. The effects of this invocation would haunt me from 8th grade until September 2007. I began to get very heavily involed in my beliefs and faith that I began to take over and began to preside over the rites and the Black Masses. Deep down I did not feel peace about what I was doing, but I had sworn never to ever enter another church.
Time goes by and I am sinking deeper and deeper into the lies of Wicca/Satanism. Only a few of my friends knew my true beliefs. My parents would occassionly find traces of my pagan life and berate me. It was this year that I began to hate them and long for my graduation which was still several years off. In time I began to realize that I could never please them, so why try, and so I began to get in trouble for the spite of it. My younger brother Adam began to fall into trouble by using drugs and doing things that parents did not approve of. At my suggestion, he got baptized so he could get Mom and Dad off of his back.
The year is 1998 my junior year in high school. We had some very good family friends that were great to us. When I was 10 years old I got to visit Rome and Vatican. I remember being awed by all the art and archetecture there. My friends were devout Catholics and attended Mass daily at St. Peter's Basilica. I remember the first time I saw Pope John Paul II doing a Mass. I remember whispering to my friend, wow this is cool I am in the same room as the president of the United Catholic Church. My friend laughed at me and began to explain the parts of the Mass. Of course I had forgotten most of it by age 18.
Many things happened this year as well, it was a year that would define the next turbelent years. If these intervening years were filled with heartache the next years would be filled with despair but yet the light still shined at the end of the tunnel.
At age 18 I was and did many of the cermonies in Wicca and Satanism. I helped lead groups in the Lubbock and Brownfield area. Many times I was consulted to write the rites and the order of the ceremonies. I saw many things and did many things I am not proud of to this day, but it was during this time that our good family friends and I again went to Rome.
This time I did not want to go to Mass with my friends, but I went mainly to get them to shut up. I sat there watching the procesions, hearing the chants, the music, watching the people, and watched the Sacrement of Holy Communion. I was very very disturbed at this moment. When I saw the priest lift up the bread and wine up to be turned into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, I felt nothing but fear, oh my gosh, what it that is what they believe it to be? I am in serious trouble. During Black Masses, one of my friends who had ties with a Catholic Church would get consecrated hosts and that is what we used in the Black Masses. Of course at the time I had no idea of what I was doing. But watching the priest say the prayers and hearing my friend translate them for me, I grew afraid.
During the visit my friends got an audience with the Holy Father for they went to the cathedral in New York and obviously well known and had connections. Well I got roped into going. I felt very awkward and all I could think of while waiting for us to be introduced, oh my goodness, I am going to get burned. For the readings of the Inquisition still stood in my mind after all these years. When we were introduced my friends said a few words to the Pope and they conversed. My friends then gestured to me and beakoned me to come closer and they introduced me to the Holy Father John Paul the II. I remember his hand coming toward mine to shake it or something like that, and I held my hands to my side and said "Mr. Paul (I laugh at it now I had no idea of what to address him, I am surpirsed I did not say Mr. President lol) I dont think you want to shake my hand." At his next response I looked up puzzled with the tenderness and oh my what was this concern from his voice, he simply said "and why not?" At this my voice trembled, "I do not believe as you do, you are Catholic, I am Wiccan." There was a pause and I looked in his eyes fully expecting him to order me burnt on the spot and he asked me a question. "What is the highest purpose you have for your life.?" I responded back to him, "to seek after the truth and to embrace it wherever it may be found." He then asked me if at this moment in my life did I believe that I was where I needed to be. I replied to him that I believe that yes I am at my highest truth in following my beliefs. He then asked me if the truth changes and I would find it elsewhere was I then willing to follow where it would lead. Unhesitatingly I replied yes, if there was Higher Truth out there to be found, I would follow and embrace it as I did my current faith at the age of 18. I remember he took my hand in his hands, clasped it tight, looked me in the eyes, and said to me "I have no worries. You will find what you seek. Dont give up." He then proceeded to bless me and told me that he would pray for me. When he blessed me I totally felt wierd.
When me and my friends left the audience I had told them what had happened and they were quiet. I told them wow the President of the Catholic Church is going to pray for me, and they got even quieter. I noticed their silence and remarked on it. They then said they were silent becuase they were glad they had more help in helping to pray for the salvation of my soul. I laughed at them.
It was during this year that I quit doing the Black Masses, I had not problem writing the ceremonies and coaching someone else to do it, but it was fear of if the Catholics were right then what we were doing to consecrated Hosts was wrong and for the first time I felt fear. I had to run to something safe and comforting.
I began to throw myself into my academia. Though nominally still a Wiccan/Satanist I did not practice it anymore. I found comfort in logic, in scientific proof. I then stumbled into atheism, oh what a blessed relief that was. No one was right, religion and religous gods/goddesses were created out of human need for a Divine Power. I was so relieved that I did not have to answer to anyone for anything I did. Very happy I pursued this for a few more monthes.
During 1998 my best friend died of lukemia. She was a devout believer in God and we were best of bestest friends. It still hurts this day when I think of her dying and her last monthes. That year was the hardest year I had come through yet. 1997 was the happiest year of my life and Nikki's last good year. I will never forget her, but she knew of my religious afilliations and loved me yet. Puzzled at this and becuase I held her in high esteem I moved from atheism to agnosticism. I was firmly convinced and surrendered to the certain truth that there was a God out there, who he was and what he did, I did not know, but I would seek him from this point thence. I had no idea of what was in store for me these next few years.
Before Nikki died she told me that she had been praying for me several monthes while lying in the hospital bed undergoing chemo treatments. Shortly before her death while she could still speak, she told me that All would be well with me and in time things would change for the good. She also told me that to never give up and then she proceeded to bless me. I had never told her of the audience with the Holy Father until after she did this. Very disturbed in my spirit I tried to put it out of my mind. When she did pass from this life to the next, my heart broke that day. For I had put all my love and friendship in that one relationship. It was the one and true relationship I had with anyone. I could talk to Nikki about everything but with her gone I would be alone. I quit eating during that year and grew very very sick at heart and at mind. It was only a miracle that saved me that year and finding a shred of hope I carried on.
When I graduated in 1999 from Brownfield, I was agnostic. I still helped others in the ceremonies and sometimes presided over them, but when it came to our particular part of the ceremony where the Hosts were used I did not touch them but appointed someone underneath me to do the deed. I swore up and down never to touch those things again.
I will close this part on the eve of my graduation in May of 1999. I know this was a long post, and hopefully I will not get longwinded. I know I may have forgotten to share some things including the paper I wrote for my junior year in high school. I will share it in the next post. Many key things would happen in the next intervening monthes. The more I write and the more I think about my past, I just have to shake my head and praise God that he was there loving me and guiding me even at my moments that were clearly against Him and His Church. I am so thankful we have a forgiving God.
This has not been easy to write and I am sure the rest will not be easy to write, but I hope it blesses your life.
Looking back I can see why my friends were quiet. My close friends know of the Vatican encounter with Pope John Paul II. They have remarked to me, wow did you not know what the Pope blesses, that is indeed blessed. You were marked for the Catholic Church at that moment you just did not know it. Oh if only I had known then and could spare myself of the next years leading up to 2003, but then I would not be the same person that I am today. If I had the chance to go through it all again or not to do it, I would do it again. Yes there are some shameful things in my history, but it is through those shameful things that I can see the glory of God and the love of God shining through at those moments in my life.
I know when I was at Wellman, two teachers made the difference for me or rather 3 of them, Coach Schilling, Mr. Haston, and Mrs. Miller. All good Christains even though none of them were Catholic. They worked with me and loved me despite of who I was and how I acted. At school I was good and helped out, at home I was rebellious. I felt loved and appreciated and wanted at school and felt the opposite at home. I found more and more comfort in UIL activities and things that would keep me from interacting with my family excepting my younger brother.
Well this is all that I have time for tonight. I will share more at a later date. The hour grows late and I am tired. Have a blessed night and day.
In Him,
Anne
Last edited on Mon Nov 5th, 2007 01:42 am by rrammfcitktturjsp012006
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Br_Carlo
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Tyler, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 153 |
| First Name: | Br_Carlo (Vince Brach) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Presbyterian, Episcopalian, CATHOLIC |
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 08:22 am |
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| God's peace. WOW! Blessings, ~Br_Carlo~
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cathmom
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| Joined: | Sat Nov 3rd, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 71 |
| First Name: | Marian | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Church (baptized/chrismation Byz. Rite, currently attending Roman Rite) |
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 08:29 am |
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Thank you, Anne.
Yesterday, at Mass, Fr. was talking about having faith and not being captive to fear.
Your story is giving me hope. The journey for my child may be a long one, but I have to have faith that God will not abandon her.
God bless you for having the courage to share your story. I look forward to reading more.
____________________
"Lord, I am my own enemy, when I seek my peace apart from Thee." R. Cardinal Merry del Val
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Intercessor
Member
| Joined: | Tue Sep 25th, 2007 |
| Location: | Southcentral, Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 859 |
| First Name: | Becky | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Southern Baptist, Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 03:24 pm |
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Anne,
Bless you.
His mercy endures forever.
Becky
____________________
"If our charity is arrested by the difficulties encountered in dealing with our neighbor, . . . our relations with our brethren are not regulated by our love of God, but by our love of self." Divine Intimacy p. 781, Fr. Gabriel, O.C.D.
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faithfl1
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 21st, 2007 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 64 |
| First Name: | Sharon | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | protestant, non-denominational (born-again), Roman Catholic |
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Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 12:47 pm |
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| Thank You for sharing your story. Thanks be to God for leading you home! God Bless! Looking forward to part 3!
____________________
Sharon S.
...I love you, Lord, my strength Psalm 18:2
I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me. Phil 4:13
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rrammfcitktturjsp012006
Member
| Joined: | Thu Nov 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Midland, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 42 |
| First Name: | Anne | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | C of C, Wicca, Satanist, Atheist, Agnostic, Baptist, Unity, and ... |
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Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 11:37 am |
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To All who responded,
Thanks for reading and thanks for you kind words. This week is already gearing up for much activity. I will write part 3 when I get the chance.
In Him,
Anne
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