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Truthseeker
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| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 347 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Sat Nov 18th, 2006 05:24 pm |
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I found a small notebook with exactly one journal entry the other day. Upon reading, I found that it was dated last September (2005), just one day before I found out I was pregnant.
The beginning of the entry was about asking Christ to help me love His mother and to teach me the possibilty of loving her as I loved Him, without making her my God, instead of Him. In the journal, I wrote that I had prayed to her, asking her to bring me before Jesus, asking her to present me to the King, and asking her to make my request to Him who could never deny His mother (or so I have been told).
My request, the one I asked for so passionately, was that Jesus teach me how to wash feet as He washed His disciples' feet, with complete love, complete humility, complete service. I asked her to ask Him to fill me with Himself completely, to sanctify me and make me holy. I asked for a sign, I asked Jesus to show me that He was pleased by my running to His mother and not offended by my asking for mediation. In the journal entry, I wrote how I had tried to empty my mind and it was filled with "John...13...9". So I had opened my daughter's bible and read, "Simon Peter said to Him, Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and head". When I read the whole chapter, it was about Jesus washing His disciples' feet, and Simon Peter telling him No, and Jesus saying that if He didn't wash Peter's feet, Peter would 'have no part with Him", and so that's why Peter asked to be so thoroughly washed, to be completey part with Jesus. In the journal, I wrote how I believed (and I still do) that Jesus was giving me a sign that He was granting my request thorugh His mother. Every part of that chapter was an exact answer to my prayer.
The very next day, I found out I was pregnant. A brief description of how my life has unfolded since then, is this. My husband (who had just renewed wedding vows with me two months previously, on our 20th anniversary) told me to have an abortion and threatened to leave me, with a drunken threat of disappearing forever with my three other children. I was afraid to tell my children I was pregnant, so they wouldn't blame the baby if their father left. I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy, because if my husband left, I didn't want them to know he was abandoning is new child on purpose. Three weeks later, my husband told me he would accept the baby and love it, because it was his baby. I went to confession and cried to my confessor about how, even though I loved my baby, I didn't understand why God was bringing her at this time and causing so much anguish between my husband and myself. And then, that very night, I miscarried the baby I had fought so hard for, had wanted for so long, and, much to my shame, had been so distressed over. Before I even got to (finally) rejoice in the new life within me, I lost her. Over the past year, I have asked my husband to have one last child with me. He has threatened to leave me several times, has said horrible things to me (and I'm sure I have, too), has hurt me beyond what I ever could have thought possible.
I have withdrawn from church, from my neighbors, from my family and friends, as in each of these areas of my life, I have struggled with new babies and pregnancies. I have left myself completely alone, for the most part, without support and fellowship, except for a very few exceptions.
I have cried here, for over a year, fluctuating between anger, doubt, forgiveness, hatred, love. I have begged God to help me love my husband, simply because He does, while at the same time, begging Him to keep my fragile heart protected from the pain loving my husband again, could bring. I have offered God all my pain and fear, and I have taken it all back. I have gone to Mass and forgiven my husband over and over, only to seethe with hatred at every sight of a pregnant woman, baby, happy welcoming dad, diaper commercial, infant toy, etc. I have made acts of love (not the bedroom kind) toward my husband and acts of hatred.
I have truly suffered, not just from the human pain of losing my baby, love of my marriage, and the anguish we have caused our children, but also (and I think in a worse way) from the spiritual pain of knowing I have not been pleasing my heavenly Father, my Savior, and the Spirit of Love that I so long to dwell within me. I have agonized over my repentance, and my lack of it; over the charity I have tried to give, and my failure to do so; over my great desire to trust in the Lord, and my complete and utter failure to believe He is doing anything good in me. I have prayed heavily and not at all. I have thanked God for all things and blamed Him for all things. I have given Him everything and offered nothing.
It has been very difficult to once have believed I was such a fine Christian, only to realize my faith is not even as large as a mustard seed; To have once thought I was so full of light, only to find the darkness had complete control over my every thought and action; To have truly believed I was safe and secure in the Lord, only to find how easy it is to run back to Satan, and the familiar comfort of his emptiness. For, if you are an empty soul, nothing can hurt you. You aren't filled with light, but you aren't filled with pain, either. Yet, at the same time, the darkness brings only pain.
I'm not sure if I can ever truly explain the struggle, even to myself. I'm not really sure what I have been struggling for, what I have been trying to acheive. Understanding? Acceptance? Faith? Self preservation? Holiness? Surrender?
I'm not sure if I have been doing anything really, or if God has been leading me along, doing it all for me, and me just feeling the emotions as I try to let go of them. And yet, somehow, and at the same time, at this one moment, I have perfect clarity. And I can not explain that, either.
In the past few weeks, attending daily Mass, I have heard a lot of sermons about loving our brother, serving those who are part of our own body, being Christ by being a sacrifice to one another. Not just in offereing up our sacrifices to the Father, but in sacrificing all that we are in order to give true love to God's children. True, God-like Love.
Does anyone know how hard it is to give that kind of love to someone who is hurting you so terribly, you can barely lift your weeping soul up, out of the pit of despair? I tried to ask Jesus that, only to realize I have hurt Him like that. I tried to tell Him, that my husband doesn't deserve my forgiveness, because he doesn't really love me (or he would make the acts of love that I think are acts of love - and I mean this sincerely, not in a patronizing way), only to realize that I haven't made the appropriate acts of love to Jesus, either. I've really tried to understand how Jesus could claim to know how I feel, when my heart is so broken, I think it might stay that way forever, only to realize I have broken His heart countless times, during all those years when I neglected Him. But, I have tried to tell Him that it's not the same, because the one hurting me, claims to love me while denying my needs and desires, claims to love me while purposely doing and saying things that he knows hurts me. Claims to love me, while turning his back on my pain. And, again, I see that I do the same things to my beloved Lord. I ask, how can I be expected to forgive seven times seven times, when my disillusionment is so great? How can I be expected to sacrifice all that I am for someone who will take all that I am and return so very little to me? How do I stop thinking of my own needs (when I have just started to), knowing that I am the only one who does? How do I let myself truly die, when my death will not even be appreciated? When no one will die to me in return? When I don't really want to die?
And I am seeing now, not just in the abstract way that we all know Christ "understands because He's been there", but really seeing, how Jesus has DIED FOR ME even though I have treated Him all those horrible ways I have been so hurt by, from my husband. In the Garden of Gethsemane, did Jesus tell His Father that He was about to die for me, when I would never die to Him? Did He wonder why He should sacrifice Himself in love for me, when I would take His sacrifice and never return my own? Did He tell His Father that I would claim to love Him, even while I was being hateful? Even while I was hating Him with my actions? Even when I was hating someone He loved? Did He wonder why He should suffer so, when I would turn my back on His pain? When I claimed to love Him? Is that why He asked God to possibly let the chalice pass? Because I was so unworthy of His great sacrificial Act of Love? And did He do it anyway, because His love for me is greater than my unworthiness?
My husband's birthday was yesterday. Against my will (the selfish will), I baked him a special cheesecake, which is his favorite recipe, put a festive tablecloth on the table for him, treated him kindly all evening. I think, if his birthday had been even last week, I would not have been able to do even those small acts of love (not of "feeling" love, but of "doing" love). And truly, they were very small acts. I'm not sure if I can make anyone understand, how grateful I was, that I did them without the feelings of hatred I usually feel, when I "have to" act like my husband matters to me. I know that sounds harsh, and I realize I can not justify that statement, because it is not a Christ-like statement, yet in honesty, I have not allowed my husband to matter for a long time - out of fear, desperation, anger, hurt, hatred, self-hatred. Last night, I allowed him to matter for the first time, since my miscarraige. Not in a great blaze of feeling love, but at least in a true, selfless wish for him to have enjoyment. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it is an incredible bit of Grace.
Looking back on this past year (in this moment of clarity, which could fade by the end of the day), I wonder if Jesus has brought me into the Garden of Gethsemane with Him. I wonder if He has been trying to show me what "washing feet" is really like. What humility really is. What it really means to be a servant who expects no thanks in return (a recent sermon).
It has been terribly difficult and painful to question whether I can allow myself to love my husband, again. To open my heart to him, and give him myself, knowing that he will never give me the baby I want and knowing that, should I become pregnant again (still my fervent hope), he will again show his contempt in the same way he did last September. It is one thing to give yourself, wholeheartedy, when you have high hopes and expectations about how your loved one will treat you. It is quite another thing, to give yourself to someone whom you know will hurt you repeatedly, in very big, heartbreaking ways. Yet, Jesus has done just that for me. And, I guess, that is what I am expected to do, if I am to claim to be part of the body of Christ. If I am to claim to love as Jesus loves. If I am to claim to be a good "feet washer". If I am to claim to be filled with Christ, which was my prayer, so long ago.
Could all the heartbreak of this past year really be about Jesus answering my prayer? It is certainly a harsh way to answer, but I know that we don't receive sanctity and holiness. We become sanctified and holy. I hope I am doing that.
I'm not at all sure that I will internalize these revelations. Sometimes, I hide from Christ's work. I'll see some great revelation, and then set it aside, afraid to pay the price it costs to really enter into it and make it part of my self. And, I am very afraid to open myself back up to my husband, afraid of the pain I may experience by allowing myself to trust him, again, when he has acted so untrustworthily. At the same time, maybe because it has been a year, and pain fades, maybe I can trust the Lord enough, even if I don't yet trust my husband. Strangely, today anyway, I want to be able to trust my husband, again.
I'm never sure how clear my spiritual vision is, but I wonder, has Jesus torn my heart apart, so it could become a real heart, like His? Has he used my husband's betrayal of my love to open my eyes to my own betrayal of His love? Will that help me to love with His love, knowing that to do things that deserve love is not the same as deserving love, simply by being a person in the image of God? Will I one day, be able to love my husband even more than before, now that I see that he doesn't have to deserve my human love in order to recieve my Christ-like love? Can I even do that?
Dear Jesus, As you have loved me with a love beyond understanding, undeserved yet so necessary to my soul, give me a heart to love my husband with that same love. Give me strength to persevere through fear and doubt and sorrow and pain, and allow me to wash his feet, as you have washed mine, that he may become one with me, who hopefully am one with you. Keep me on this path and do not let me stray into the darkness of hatred, where I hide from your light. I seem unable to bring love to your world without including my husband. Please give me Grace. Amen.
Laura
In loving memory of my baby, Mary Erin Nicolett Wells.
Last edited on Sat Nov 18th, 2006 06:43 pm by Truthseeker
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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David W. Emery
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1790 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
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Posted: Sun Nov 19th, 2006 12:14 am |
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Laura, what a tremendous prayer you have shared with us. I know your suffering, and I know your efforts, your failures and the little triumphs God has helped you achieve. What he has given you here is a great grace: insight into your struggle to love your husband in spite of his unworthiness.
You ask, “Has Jesus torn my heart apart, so it could become a real heart, like His? Has he used my husband’s betrayal of my love to open my eyes to my own betrayal of His love?”
Yes, yes, yes! Just as the prophet Ezekiel (36:26) was given this for the stony hearts of Israel: “A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
You will recall a few weeks back when you were wailing about your suffering. I replied that you had not yet truly forgiven your husband, and that this was what was weighing on your soul. You insisted that the “real” problem was that you were still mourning the loss of your baby, but admitted that you continued ambivalent with regard to your husband. Hopefully now you can see that your problem with mothers and babies was really a transference of your hurt from cause to effect, that you could not bear these tokens because they were reminders of the hurt you had suffered at the hands of your husband.
Again, you say, “I am very afraid to open myself back up to my husband, afraid of the pain I may experience by allowing myself to trust him again, when he has acted so untrustworthily. At the same time, maybe because it has been a year, and pain fades, maybe I can trust the Lord enough, even if I don’t yet trust my husband. Strangely, today anyway, I want to be able to trust my husband again.”
Now you are seeing clearly. I think God’s point is this: Just as Jesus has loved you in spite of your countless betrayals, so you can love your husband because God is willing to give you the grace to do so. This does not mean you have to allow your husband to hurt you again. It means that, in spite of his faults, and because of your own, you can accept him and treat him as a human being. Yes, washing feet is difficult, menial and thankless. But your Lord did it, and he is now giving you an invitation to do the same.
“Could all the heartbreak of this past year really be about Jesus answering my prayer? It is certainly a harsh way to answer, but I know that we don't receive sanctity and holiness. We become sanctified and holy. I hope I am doing that.”
Now that you understand just how great was your Lord’s forgiveness of you, you can see the greatness to which you are called in forgiving in your turn. Will you accept this divine offer? Jesus is not being harsh; the harshness is sin at work, and he has no part in sin. But sin is expiated through suffering. Whether the sin is yours or anothers is immaterial; when one person sins, all humanity suffers. You can serve your penance now, or later in purgatory, but one way or another it must be done.
If you are willing to do this, Laura, there is a possibility that your husband will be able to recognize his errors and seek forgiveness from God as you have. How can this come about? Through your acceptance of the grace God offers you in forgiveness, you become, as it were, the sacrament of salvation for your husband. God provides him the forgiveness he has offered you through your own acceptance and practice of forgiveness. I see it as your best chance for reconciliation. Are you willing to give it a try?
David
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Faithful
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| Joined: | Wed Nov 15th, 2006 |
| Location: | York, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 9 |
| First Name: | | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Roman Catholic |
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Posted: Sun Nov 19th, 2006 02:07 pm |
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Laura, your pain is real and it can be sanctifying. Offer it up every day not for yourself, but for others. This is one way you can take the emphasis off of yourself and direct it towards others. How about offering it up for the thousands of other women who desperately want children, but cannot. You have been blessed with three children and I'm sure you are thankful to God for them, but you would love to have one more. There is nothing wrong with wanting more children, but what about your husbands’ wishes? It seems that he is totally against it. Is this something that the two of you have talked about? Your husband has, by Gods grace, giving you three children and maybe to him that is enough. This is no excuse for the way he treated you while you were pregnant and that is what you must forgive. Now, what if you were to get pregnant again? I'm sure that would make you happy, but what about him? It seems that the two of you are not on the same page. It's easy for us to condemn your husband for his actions, but maybe you should look within yourself also. You want another child, but at what expense? We always want more, more of what would make us happy. Sometimes we think that everyone else should understand our wants. Do you understand what your husband wants? His not wanting to have any more children is not a sin. His asking you to have an abortion was. Having another child is a huge responsibility, one you are ready to take on but not your husband. Concentrate on the family that you do have. This will not entirely take away the pain of the miscarriage, but it can bring you much joy. My wife had a miscarriage five months into her pregnancy. As it so happened, that might of been my only chance to be a father. I am now 42 and divorced. I may never be a biological father, but I am helping to raise nine orphaned and abused children where I work at Christ Home. I felt God pulling me here and now I am responsible for these neglected children's lives. I don't ever think I would be doing this if I had children of my own, so because of my loss these children have someone who loves them and would do anything for them. This is how God can bring good out of tragedy, but we must respond accordingly. It is by Gods grace that I am doing this, I cannot take any credit. I too wallowed in my misery for years almost unto death! I have a painful digestive condition that requires me to take unusually high amounts of morphine just to get by. Here I was alone, in physical as well as mental torment just waiting to die when God came into the picture. I didn't complain much, in fact I was not doing anything much. I wasn't working, I wasn't socializing, I wasn't living by most accounts. And then one day I felt led to read the Bible to find out if this is all there was. Well I found that this was not all there was and I decided to live for Jesus from then on. I believe that our sufferings have meaning and I think that you have come to the same conclusion. I hope all will work out for you and if you just trust God with your sufferings it will.
Laura, you are an inspiration to me with the way you are coming out of this most dreadful situation. Use what you have learned to help others; in that way you will be spreading Gods love where it is desperately needed.
May God bless you always,
BJ
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 347 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Sun Nov 19th, 2006 04:11 pm |
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Hi guys-
First to JB. Believe it or not, I completely understand that my husband's non-desire for more children is just as valid as my desire for more, and that has been part of my obstacle in healing. Wanting to condemn him for something that is not wrong has weighed heavily on my heart and soul. I have come to the conclusion that neither of our desires are so much wrong as they are incompatible. Unfortunately, I am the one who gets hurt in the long run. Throughout this past year, I have begun to understand why people get divorced for irreconcilable differences, which always sounded like such a cop-out, but then, I understand now, how painful it can be to really be so separated from the person you are supposed to be one with. I always though irreconcilabe meant the little stuff that our pride makes more important then our marriage, but I see how it can mean the complete separation of the two souls that are supposed to be one. That's where we are. And though I can now be more compassionate and less judgemental toward people who seem like they have given up, I will not do that, and I know now, that giving up is not an easy decision, either. I have come to understand, jut a tiny bit, the pain my father must have felt when he was making his final decision to abandon his family. Something that I will never do, and never encourage my husband to do (even though he goads me, sometimes). After my last child was born ten years ago, and after several attempts to get my husband to have another, I finally gave up and learned - and I really had to learn - to be content with the family I had. Not that they weren't enough for me, because I love my children so very much. I am so grateful to God for the gift of these kids. And, I don't think wanting more kids lessons that feeling of joy and gratitude for the ones I have. Anyway, it was hard and painful to let go of the dream of having more kids. What so many people don't understand, is that I have already had to do it once. I really thought this baby was God's way of bringing my life full circle as a new Christian. I thought I was receiving a miracle (and I still do) after so many years of longing for another child and giving up all hope. it is hard to give up hope again. It is hard to let go of my desires, again, especially when it is a result of such painful events. I am really not trying to make the world condemn my husband. In fact, I still haven't told anyone we actually know person to person the whole truth. And so no one really understands the struggle I fight to do the right thing. I guess, that is another place I have to know Christ understands, and that helps me to remain understood for the sake of my husband's honor.
My husband came home & I had to log off. I wasn't trying to be abrupt. I just wanted to say that I have considered all the things you have said during this past year. It's wonderful how you help so many kids.
David,
I have considered the things you said, too. I'm working on it all.
Last edited on Sun Nov 19th, 2006 09:58 pm by Truthseeker
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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Faithful
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 15th, 2006 |
| Location: | York, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 9 |
| First Name: | | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Roman Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Nov 20th, 2006 01:08 am |
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Laura, it's good to see how our faith keeps us going. It's the hope of our heavenly inheritance that is awaiting us that lets us know that in the end all our misery will be forgotten. We have a short time here on earth to get things right. Satan tries his best to disillusion us, but if we keep our eyes on Jesus we will never lose sight of Him. Eternity waits for us. Isn't it great to know that we will spend it with our Lord!
BJ
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Mon Nov 20th, 2006 11:39 am |
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Laura,
This is just a short note to let you know I prayed for you yesterday. I will continue to hold you in my prayers, Truthseeker.
God Bless You,
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 347 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Mon Nov 20th, 2006 06:14 pm |
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David W. Emery wrote: Hi David[size= Laura, what a tremendous prayer you have shared with us. I know your suffering, and I know your efforts, your failures and the little triumphs God has helped you achieve. What he has given you here is a great grace: insight into your struggle to love your husband in spite of his unworthiness.
] I am seeing how I have no right to complain when Jesus has not forsaken me despite my own unworthiness. Yet, the selfish me fights strongly the holy me I want to be. [size=
You ask, “Has Jesus torn my heart apart, so it could become a real heart, like His? Has he used my husband’s betrayal of my love to open my eyes to my own betrayal of His love?”
Yes, yes, yes! Just as the prophet Ezekiel (36:26) was given this for the stony hearts of Israel: “A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
And I had thought that was already done, because I 'loved God's people". But what does that mean, if it doesn't include those that hurt me, too? They are the ones that need it most, yes? Just like I was the one who needed it most when my back was still turned against Jesus. Easier said than doen, for me, but I do see it.
You will recall a few weeks back when you were wailing about your suffering. I replied that you had not yet truly forgiven your husband, and that this was what was weighing on your soul. You insisted that the “real” problem was that you were still mourning the loss of your baby, but admitted that you continued ambivalent with regard to your husband. Hopefully now you can see that your problem with mothers and babies was really a transference of your hurt from cause to effect, that you could not bear these tokens because they were reminders of the hurt you had suffered at the hands of your husband.
Yes.
Again, you say, “I am very afraid to open myself back up to my husband, afraid of the pain I may experience by allowing myself to trust him again, when he has acted so untrustworthily. At the same time, maybe because it has been a year, and pain fades, maybe I can trust the Lord enough, even if I don’t yet trust my husband. Strangely, today anyway, I want to be able to trust my husband again.”
Now you are seeing clearly. I think God’s point is this: Just as Jesus has loved you in spite of your countless betrayals, so you can love your husband because God is willing to give you the grace to do so. This does not mean you have to allow your husband to hurt you again. It means that, in spite of his faults, and because of your own, you can accept him and treat him as a human being. Yes, washing feet is difficult, menial and thankless. But your Lord did it, and he is now giving you an invitation to do the same.
I must say that, even though the lesson is difficult, I am thankful for it. What a strange thing to be thankful for suffering, even while hating and dreading it. Mybe that's what rejoicing in our suffering means. A paradox of Christianity.
“Could all the heartbreak of this past year really be about Jesus answering my prayer? It is certainly a harsh way to answer, but I know that we don't receive sanctity and holiness. We become sanctified and holy. I hope I am doing that.”
Now that you understand just how great was your Lord’s forgiveness of you, you can see the greatness to which you are called in forgiving in your turn. Will you accept this divine offer? Jesus is not being harsh; the harshness is sin at work, and he has no part in sin. But sin is expiated through suffering. Whether the sin is yours or anothers is immaterial; when one person sins, all humanity suffers. You can serve your penance now, or later in purgatory, but one way or another it must be done.
If you are willing to do this, Laura, there is a possibility that your husband will be able to recognize his errors and seek forgiveness from God as you have. How can this come about? Through your acceptance of the grace God offers you in forgiveness, you become, as it were, the sacrament of salvation for your husband. God provides him the forgiveness he has offered you through your own acceptance and practice of forgiveness. I see it as your best chance for reconciliation. Are you willing to give it a try?
Yes, I am trying.
David]
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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CajunRick
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houma, Louisiana USA |
| Posts: | 5079 |
| First Name: | Rick (& Kermie) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Lifetime Catholic, Latin Rite |
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Posted: Mon Nov 20th, 2006 07:06 pm |
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Truthseeker wrote: Looking back on this past year (in this moment of clarity, which could fade by the end of the day), I wonder if Jesus has brought me into the Garden of Gethsemane with Him. I wonder if He has been trying to show me what "washing feet" is really like. What humility really is. What it really means to be a servant who expects no thanks in return (a recent sermon).
... Could all the heartbreak of this past year really be about Jesus answering my prayer? It is certainly a harsh way to answer, but I know that we don't receive sanctity and holiness. We become sanctified and holy. I hope I am doing that.
I'm not at all sure that I will internalize these revelations. Sometimes, I hide from Christ's work. I'll see some great revelation, and then set it aside, afraid to pay the price it costs to really enter into it and make it part of my self. And, I am very afraid to open myself back up to my husband, afraid of the pain I may experience by allowing myself to trust him, again, when he has acted so untrustworthily. At the same time, maybe because it has been a year, and pain fades, maybe I can trust the Lord enough, even if I don't yet trust my husband. Strangely, today anyway, I want to be able to trust my husband, again.
I'm never sure how clear my spiritual vision is, but I wonder, has Jesus torn my heart apart, so it could become a real heart, like His? Has he used my husband's betrayal of my love to open my eyes to my own betrayal of His love? Will that help me to love with His love, knowing that to do things that deserve love is not the same as deserving love, simply by being a person in the image of God? Will I one day, be able to love my husband even more than before, now that I see that he doesn't have to deserve my human love in order to recieve my Christ-like love? Can I even do that?
Dear Jesus, As you have loved me with a love beyond understanding, undeserved yet so necessary to my soul, give me a heart to love my husband with that same love. Give me strength to persevere through fear and doubt and sorrow and pain, and allow me to wash his feet, as you have washed mine, that he may become one with me, who hopefully am one with you. Keep me on this path and do not let me stray into the darkness of hatred, where I hide from your light. I seem unable to bring love to your world without including my husband. Please give me Grace. Amen.
Laura
In loving memory of my baby, Mary Erin Nicolett Wells.
Laura, I don't wish for a moment to minimize the very real suffering you have experienced, so please don't take what I am about to say in that context.
One of the things that the people of New Orleans have learned is that rebuilding cannot take place unless destruction comes first.
Many people along the Gulf Coast lost literally everything, including their homes, their memories, and their families. I know many people who were rescued from the waters of Hurricane Katrina with only the clothes they were wearing, and some not even that. All their possessions, their homes, their cars, and even members of their families are gone and will never be replaced. Some, unfortunately, have been in such despair that they have taken their own lives. Most have survived the pain, and are now committed to rebuilding.
But in doing so, they have realized that nothing in this life matters. All is fleeting. All will pass. And they will survive. I posted a testimony from Anne Rice in "Recommended Resources" that covers this beautifully. To summarize, she says she has come to realize it's not important that we know or understand, it is only important that we know God knows and understands.
That is the message we must take from Hurricane Katrina. I hope someday it will be the message you take from the struggles in your own life. Know that we continue to pray for you and wish you the peace that only ultimate trust in God can bring.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Mon Nov 20th, 2006 10:15 pm |
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Dear Laura,
Yet, the selfish me fights strongly the holy me I want to be.
It is the work of a lifetime to bring the self into line with God’s will. But it won’t happen for someone who does not believe it can be done and therefore never starts working on it. It is said of Abraham, “In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations; as he had been told, ‘So shall your descendants be’” (Romans 4:18). If he had not done what he was given to do all those thousands of years ago, where would our own hope be today? Let us, then, be children of Abraham and thereby children of God.
And I had thought that was already done, because I “loved God's people.” But what does that mean, if it doesn't include those that hurt me, too? They are the ones that need it most, yes? Just like I was the one who needed it most when my back was still turned against Jesus. Easier said than done, for me, but I do see it.…
I must say that, even though the lesson is difficult, I am thankful for it. What a strange thing to be thankful for suffering, even while hating and dreading it. Maybe that’s what rejoicing in our suffering means. A paradox of Christianity.
Yes, I see you understand. The next step, as you know, is the application. I am pleased to see that you are giving it a try. You must not lose hope. God will provide all the grace you need. But it will be in his own way and in his own time, so you must be patient and persevering. Then one day he will surprise you with a success you never suspected was coming.
You already know that this lesson is the one that I had to learn in a very practical way a few years ago when I was faced with “losing” my wife to a devastating illness. What I saw as my only chance for salvation was precisely the paradox you describe: accepting the purgative suffering, even being thankful for it, in spite of my aversion and dread, for I knew it to be the will of God. And you know, I survived. And not just survived; I grew and flourished in a way that could not have taken place if I had rejected my personal calvary.
David
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Truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 12:54 pm |
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Rick,
I think of that often, how hard it must be to lose everything. Sometimes, I wish I could actually do that (material things, not people), grieve it all and start over with purer motives. Although, that is an empty wish, really, because, we all know I would be horrified. Actually, though, I have begun to let go of things I have held onto for decades, thinking the items so important to my memories. I am learning, so very slowly, that even my most precious keepsakes are really just things, things that offer me nothing, not even comfort, anymore.
I still flounder in hatred. Satan, in the form of hatred, stalks me every moment. I wish God would just "make me good".
Davd - it is the application that is so hard. I am learning that my moments of failure are just moments and that I can "start over" all day long, and God will be pleased with my attempts as opposed to disappointed with my failures. i have to start thinking like that, because disappointment in myself makes it hard to keep trying.
I just finally read Mere Christianity and gained a lot of insight into struggling and how pleasing that is to God that we bother to try! I've been avoiding the book, because I thought it would be a hard read, but it was very understandable.
Rambling-
Laura
Last edited on Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 01:00 pm by Truthseeker
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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CajunRick
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Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 01:11 pm |
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Truthseeker wrote: I think of that often, how hard it must be to lose everything. Sometimes, I wish I could actually do that (material things, not people), grieve it all and start over with purer motives.
Many people in New Orleans and the Louisiana and Mississippi coasts have learned exactly that. Those who did not lose family members have often been grateful that all they lost was stuff. The mementos, like heirlooms and family pictures, have been harder to deal with, especially for people like Fats Domino and Pete Fountain (both of whom lost everything), but still, it was just stuff. Some, like the Neville Brothers and their families, lost not only their homes and possessions but also family members, and they have accepted it and moved on.
There are others, however, who not only lost everything but are still homeless. Some are still awaiting FEMA trailers some 15 months later. Some neighborhoods still do not have electricity. The saddest cases are the elderly, some of whom have the resources but still can't get anyone to demolish the ruins of their old homes and rebuild. Many have exhausted their life savings paying for hotel rooms or apartments, and now they can't afford to rebuild.
Catholic Charities in New Orleans has begun a program of demolishing and gutting ruined homes, so of course donations are needed. Anyone who wishes to help can go to the diocesan web site.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 01:39 pm |
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Rick,
It is kind of hard to hear the truth about how many people still suffer. You know, we are so removed, it's easy to let it all go, when you aren't affected every day.
I think, for me, one of the reasons I still stuggle over my loss, is that, in my particular case, I'm not in a position where nature or illness or circumstances happened that caused something bad to happen in my life (which was the case with my miscarriage, yes, but I am still talking about my husband). Mine is a case where my circumstance can get better, I am physically able to do what will make me happy, and my misery can be healed but is refused to me. That is what's so hard for me. Not being able to have more children is not the same as being able to but being refused by the person who claims to love you. That is where my heartache lies.
And so, I don't even really know what love is, because, by my standards, he does not love me, yet he claims to. And, I do not know if I still love him, because my feelings have changed, yet, supposedly, I amloving him, because I am trying to treat him as a christ's beloved brother. And, for that matter, if I go by my ideas of love, than Christ does not love me, yet I know He does.
It is amazing how every aspect of my walk with Christ revolves around my husband. I am really still where I started, aren't I?
Laura
Yikes! I am a lost soul!
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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CajunRick
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Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 02:13 pm |
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Truthseeker wrote: And so, I don't even really know what love is, because, by my standards, he does not love me, yet he claims to.
Love is selfless. Love means you would sacrifice yourself for another. It doesn't just mean you would give your life for them, it means you would live your life for them. Even if you think they're wrong.
Remember that Jesus let the rich man walk away after telling him to sell all that he owned. Jesus let his disciples walk away when they couldn't accept his teaching on the Eucharist, and he let Judas betray him and Peter deny him. And yet he still died for them. That's love.
Refusing to let someone else follow their conscience is not love, it is selfishness. Jesus let those he loved follow their conscience, even though he knew they were wrong.
St. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4-7:
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Is this how your husband loves you? Is this how you love him? This is the standard against which love must be measured. The other standard is the cross.
____________________
Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 07:27 pm |
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| Well, I really am trying to. It hurts alot, but I am trying.
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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David W. Emery
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Posted: Fri Nov 24th, 2006 01:54 am |
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Truthseeker wrote:It is amazing how every aspect of my walk with Christ revolves around my husband. I am really still where I started, aren’t I?
Yes, this is the sticking point: frustration breeds fear and hatred. The only way to break the cycle is to forgive: your husband, yourself, God. And then to let go of the self-oriented desires that led to the frustration. I am praying that you will be given the grace you need to do these things.
David
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