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Didi
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 155 |
| First Name: | Didi | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic; almost left; Now an On-Fire Catholic! |
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 10:41 pm |
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Wow, where do I begin?
Let me start by stating that I grew up Catholic, continued to be active in college with Newman Club and TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) retreats, and married a man with strong faith. I have never really left the Church, although there were many years when I was there "physically" but not spiritually, and there for completely selfish reasons. I think there needs to be a new category for those of us who never really left, but have experienced a major reconversion to the faith -- retroverts?, introverts??!!
Somewhere along the line my faith grew cold and I didn't feel "fed" in the Catholic Church. I sort of had a relationship with God that was "I'll call you if I need you, but I'm fine on my own right now." I'm the only sibling in my family still practicing the Catholic faith, so I have encountered a lot of opposition. I seriously considered leaving, but knew it would be difficult for my parents and for my husband. So I prayed what I call my "dangerous prayer" -- God, I don't know where you want me; please lead me where you want me to be and do whatever it takes to get me there.
Well. Be careful what you pray for!
Our family went through a series of moves half-way across the county and back, unemployment, car accidents, the death of three close friends, and financial struggles. I was still trying to decide what to do when my oldest became old enough for Sunday School classes. I was asked to help, then co-teach and then teach. As I'm going through the material, I'm thinking "I'd better either learn this faith and accept it if I'm teaching others; or deny it and find where God wants me."
Then I was struck suddenly with a violent illness.
It hit me hard, bringing my body to total fatigue, causing constant numbness and tingling throughout my body, aches in the joints, insomnia, shortness of breath, muscle spasms and twitches, short term memory loss and inability to think clearly. After several months of testing, with everything coming back “normal,” by body felt far from normal. Eventually I learned my body was suffering from a build-up of insecticides and pesticides in my system that attacked my central nervous system and caused my body to be unable to filter any additional toxins. I was wounded.
This condition totally changed my life. I went from being very active, working part-time with my own writing and marketing business, caring for my two children, helping in their classrooms, volunteering at church, packing food boxes for the needy; to being flat on my back in bed, unable to drive due to the numbness and fatigue, unable to work, often unable to care for my children. I was stripped.
During this time I asked that universal question - "WHY?"
Thank God for EWTN, our local Catholic radio station, and great Catholic authors from whom I learned about redemptive suffering and the beauty and depth of our Catholic faith. When I couldn't sleep, I would turn on the TV or the radio and hear The Journey Home, or Mother Angelica Live, or Scott Hahn, or Bishop Fulton Sheen, or Fr. Benedict Groeschel -- and (surprise!) it would be exactly what I needed to hear at that time!
Then a good friend of mine invited me to take part in a regular weekly hour of adoration. What a blessing! I began reading some of the materials in the adoration chapel -- Mother Teresa, St. Faustina, St. Pio, St. Therese, etc.
During this time, I continued to suffer physically, but was learning of the merit it can have in the salvation of souls -- that my suffering wasn't being wasted, but was converted into graces! This gave me a reason for living again. I was entering into the Passion of Christ! While I had been stripped of everything I thought was important in life -- a nice car, career, being a super mom and super volunteer -- all the labels we place on ourselves; I found myself a shell of a person who was bedridden, but who finally found my dignity as a child of God, a co-worker in the saving of souls! Praise God!
I still struggle daily with fatigue, numbness and other neurological issues, but am learning to offer them as St. Paul tells us in 1 Col 1:24, and to realize the fruits they are bearing in my life and the lives of others, as in Rom. 5:2-4.
There was a time when I wondered if I'd ever be "like I used to be" -- especially physically. Then one day at adoration, I realized I don't want to be like I used to be! If God asked me today if I wanted to be completely physically healed, but go back to where I was spiritually before all this happened, I would have to say "No thanks!" I would rather be as I am, depending upon Jesus each day for strength and guidance, than go back to my "I'll call you if I need you" faith.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Cor. 4:16-18
There's so much more I could share of the great things God has done for me and through me in spite of, or most likely because of, this cross I bear. More to come later!
Last edited on Tue Mar 4th, 2008 10:42 pm by Didi
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Kim M.
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 11th, 2008 |
| Location: | Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 417 |
| First Name: | Kim | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Assembly of God, Church of God, Assembly again, PCA, ... |
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 11:33 pm |
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Didi, what an AWESOME testimony! I used to be very active, as well, but have been struggling with my health, too, lately. And I agree, there is so much good that comes from our suffering. Thank God for the Internet, yes? God can provide fellowship in many ways, this being one. Good to know you! 
____________________
"A joyful heart is the health of the body, but a depressed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22
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CajunRick
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houma, Louisiana USA |
| Posts: | 4981 |
| First Name: | Rick (& Kermie) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Lifetime Catholic, Latin Rite |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 02:27 am |
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Didi wrote: I think there needs to be a new category for those of us who never really left, but have experienced a major reconversion to the faith -- retroverts?, introverts??!!
Didi, I think you simply call us "Catholics".
My own story is very similar to yours, except my health crisis was a couple of heart attacks so severe that my family was told to start planning my funeral. That was 21 years ago this August. I was active in my parish, but I really felt like I was just going through the motions. I taught catechism, trained the altar servers, served in several ministries, but I think I was doing it more for me than for God. I was indispensible …until I got sick one Holy Week and everything went just fine without me.
And then God decided to wake me up by having a doctor cut me open and play football in my chest, with my heart as the ball. Or at least that's what it felt like. And God made sure that every time I look in the mirror, I see a "zipper" running from my neck to my solar plexus. At least in my case, God was not subtle. God knows how stubborn I am, so I was left with no doubt.
Eighteen months later, a kid I grew up with became our pastor, and he told me he wanted me to start this new thing called "RCIA". I started reading so I could answer questions from the participants, and I started to realize just how little I knew. And I was really surprised because, like most cradle Catholics, I thought I knew my faith. I had been studying it since I was 14 years old, but it was an intellectual exercise. I had never really made a commitment to Christ. I learned so much in RCIA. I taught them "church". They taught me "faith".
I guess you could think of me like a man who never cheated on his wife, but never appreciated her or paid attention to her, either. Instead, he just took her for granted. I took my Church for granted. I took my God for granted.
I still struggle with that today. My faith is not where I want it to be. I am in awe of the spirituality of some of the people on the forum. I understand the Catholic faith, but it is still largely an intellectual knowledge for me. I struggle to pray. But when the priest elevates the Eucharist at mass, a thrill runs through me, and I cannot approach the communion banquet without choking up. This is my Savior who died for me! What could be more wonderful? And I regret the years I took it for granted.
I know that I love my Savior and that he died for me, and I trust his Divine Mercy. Without it, I have no hope at all.
So don't feel that you're alone. I've never known a "cradle Catholic" who is truly alive with their faith who has not overcome a faith crisis at some point.
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Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Laughing Elf
Member
| Joined: | Sat Feb 16th, 2008 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 47 |
| First Name: | Rod | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Methodist, PCA, agnostic, Buddhist, Episcopalian, Methodist |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 02:32 am |
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Didi wrote:
Then a good friend of mine invited me to take part in a regular weekly hour of adoration. What a blessing! I began reading some of the materials in the adoration chapel -- Mother Teresa, St. Faustina, St. Pio, St. Therese, etc.
During this time, I continued to suffer physically, but was learning of the merit it can have in the salvation of souls -- that my suffering wasn't being wasted, but was converted into graces!
Didi,
Your story moved me greatly. Thank you for sharing it. As someone who is not Catholic, but trying to learn and understand many things I sat up and took notice by what you said (above) about "merit".
Can you elaborate, or point me somewhere I can learn more about this. I've encountered a concept that sounds like this, but within a different religious tradition and am quite curious.
Blessings and peace,
Rod
____________________
"Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight."
Tolkien, LOTR I
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Didi
Member
| Joined: | Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 155 |
| First Name: | Didi | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic; almost left; Now an On-Fire Catholic! |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 02:37 am |
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Kim M. wrote: Thank God for the Internet, yes? God can provide fellowship in many ways, this being one. Good to know you!
Thanks, Kim!
Yes, I am so thankful for the internet -- for all that I've learned from the great resources available, and for the connection I have with people that I'm just not able to do otherwise!
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Didi
Member
| Joined: | Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 155 |
| First Name: | Didi | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic; almost left; Now an On-Fire Catholic! |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 02:45 am |
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CajunRick wrote: I took my Church for granted. I took my God for granted.
I still struggle with that today. And I regret the years I took it for granted.
I know that I love my Savior and that he died for me, and I trust his Divine Mercy. Without it, I have no hope at all.
Thanks, Rick, for sharing your story and for your words of encouragement.
I really understand how you feel in taking the Church for granted and I also regret all the years I just "went through the motions" and didn't really understand or try to understand.
I, too, am amazed at the consecration and all that Our Lord has done and continues to do for us! He had to hit me pretty hard to get my attention, too! And I think in many ways that's why my physical issues continue --perhaps I need that reminder of how much I need God. He is the Strength in our weakness! He is the Wounded Healer and I think calls all of us who suffer to be wounded healers with Him and through Him.
I was able to sponsor someone into the Church a couple years ago and thoroughly enjoyed the RCIA process. While I had been studying the faith pretty diligently for about 6 years by then, I still had several "aha!" moments, which were great! The person I sponsored had a lot of challenging questions and we e-mailed back and forth a lot and also had a lot of after-class conversations. I look back on that and am still amazed that physically I was able to commit to that 8-month process and not miss a single meeting or event. Truly God sustained me!
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David W. Emery
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1714 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 02:49 am |
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Laughing Elf wrote:As someone who is not Catholic, but trying to learn and understand many things I sat up and took notice by what you said (above) about "merit".
Can you elaborate, or point me somewhere I can learn more about this. I've encountered a concept that sounds like this, but within a different religious tradition and am quite curious.
You can start here, Rod.
David
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Didi
Member
| Joined: | Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 155 |
| First Name: | Didi | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic; almost left; Now an On-Fire Catholic! |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 03:03 am |
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Laughing Elf wrote: Your story moved me greatly. Thank you for sharing it. As someone who is not Catholic, but trying to learn and understand many things I sat up and took notice by what you said (above) about "merit".
Can you elaborate, or point me somewhere I can learn more about this. I've encountered a concept that sounds like this, but within a different religious tradition and am quite curious.
Blessings and peace,
Rod
Hi Rod --
I hope I can help -- I'll give it my best shot!
We are called to follow Jesus, to pick up our crosses and imitate Him. In Col. 1:24, St. Paul says: "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church."
Now, Jesus' suffering was perfect and didn't really lack anything, but Christ is the Head of the Church and we are the Body. We must imitate Him. We must do our part in offering our sufferings and afflictions for the entire Body of Christ.
Heb. 2:10 says: "For it is fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through suffering."
Pope John Paul II said in "The Meaning of Suffering": "The evil of suffering, in the mystery of Christ's redemption, is overcome and, in every case, transformed; it becomes a force for liberation from evil, for the victory of the good."
It's not that suffering, in and of itself, is good. Suffering without God can crush and destroy us. But suffering with Christ can redeem and save us! Christ transformed suffering into good on the cross. We can imitate that by offering our sufferings, of any kind and any degree (stubbing a toe, feeling impatient waiting in line, undergoing cancer treatment, feeling anxious about a problem) to Christ, through Christ and with Christ! We can offer these sufferings for something or someone specific, or we can just offer them to God for whoever is in most need of grace at the time we offer them!
This is one of my favorite prayers, and I wish I had the source or the author, but I simply found it in the adoration chapel without any citation:
"O my Lord Jesus Christ, I lift up my heart to You in my suffering and ask for Your comforting help. I know that you would withhold the thorns of this life if I could attain eternal life without them. And so I commend myself to Your loving mercy, accepting this suffering in Your Name. Grant me the grace to offer it in union with Your sufferings. Regardless of the sufferings that may come my way, let me trust You always, for You are my Lord, my God and My All. Amen."
Sometimes, if I'm unable to sleep (which happens pretty often), I begin praying and offering my insomnia for whoever needs grace the most at that moment.
I remember one time specifically following a period of feeling a little better, only to be going downhill again. I was so achy and tired and weak that even taking a shower was a major chore. I was talking to God saying "I don't understand this! Why is this happening??!!" I clearly heard Jesus saying to me (in my head) "Do you trust me?" I thought, "Of course, I trust you, Lord. I don't understand this, but Your ways are not our ways." Then I pictured Jesus saying "If I told you there was a soul who was so close to coming to me, but I need a little bit of grace from your suffering to fall upon them, would you suffer for me?"
That's what it's like for me.
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Didi
Member
| Joined: | Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 155 |
| First Name: | Didi | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic; almost left; Now an On-Fire Catholic! |
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 03:11 am |
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David W. Emery wrote: You can start here, Rod.
David
Thanks for the great reference in the Catechism, David!
Another great Catechism section is on the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.
CCC1521
"Union with the Passion of Christ. By the grace of this sacrament the sick person receives the strength and the gift of uniting himself more closely to Christ's Passion: in a certain way he is consecrated to bear fruit by configuration to the Savior's redemptive Passion. Suffering, a consequence of original sin, acquires a new meaning; it becomes a participation in the saving work of Jesus."
Wow! We can participate in the salvation of souls through Jesus! Now that's what I call "merit!"
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