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lifetone
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| Joined: | Mon Feb 4th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 35 |
| First Name: | Anne | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Methodist, Baptist, Wiccan/New Age, Pentecostal, Catholic |
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Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 01:46 am |
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Hi guys.. I figured I should post this here and after this I'm done running off at the mouth which is not anywhere in my job description. This is the actually much shorter than it was originally version of my story (scary thought!) but I tried to include the salient points.. Anyway. Sorry it's so long. I tried so hard to shorten it. :,,,( Hope this blesses someone.
.........
My relationship with God began when I was 10 or so.
We were on vacation, visiting the many gorgeous land formations out west around the Four Corners region. At one point, we came to the edge of this cliff, to peer down, as people do. All I could think was that if nothing was real and nothing mattered (an idea I was sort of toying with at the time) it should make no difference if I took those few steps and stepped over the edge. In fact, I thought this would be a good idea, to do that. I would probably die, but that would be a plus.
There was no sign, no fence, no tangible reason not to do it.
That was when I first realized there was inherent value to life, to me standing there. I had no idea what that might be, I just knew that it was true, that me and all the other people who had come here didn't need anyone to tell them not to jump off, or that this would be a bad thing.
And then, I saw, not with my eyes, but in my mind, this golden wall all along the edge of the cliff, as if there was some invisible protection, some reason to Not Do This that I didn't yet grasp. That was when I started to seek the truth, I wasn't yet thinking about "God," had not yet heard about Jesus let alone His somewhat similar cliff experience. But I started to seek the Truth about Life, and I believe that He answered at that moment.
A little later, a friend of ours started taking us to her church. I was baptized in the Methodist Church when I was 12.
There is paperwork to show I was baptized, so I'm sure that I was, but the only part I actually remember is the Confirmation, because I had reservations. I definitely wanted to serve God because I believed in the things Jesus said but I thought the church was evil because it didn't do the things He said at all. The way I reconciled this in my mind was to promise God I'd keep Jesus's commandments and would love the Methodist Church - and in that way keep my promise to always support it.
Anyway after that, things did change. I began to see the Methodist Church as people. God took that bit about loving the people seriously and forced me to live up to it. Then my friend moved away and stopped taking us to church. Then when I was 14 my parents separated and I moved in with my mom for a bit, then went back with my dad, so lots of moving around.
I was depressed all that winter and kept praying to God to free me from the depression. Sometimes I thought I felt Him answering but it never lasted for very long, these brief moments of being loved sort of countered by these intense feelings and dreams that if I kept seeking God I was going to die. It said that in the Bible, that to see God was to die, so I thought that's what would happen, only not in a walking off the cliff kind of way because it would be for God and that was good.
One night, I was in my room praying and I didn't see with my eyes but this time it was also more real than just in my mind. I remember golden light, like on the cliff that one day, but this time there was nothing else. There was only light and HE was the light and we spoke through the light. That's the best way to describe it.
The first "question" I "asked" was about the Bible, if it was true. He showed me this ribbon of light through all time, broader at some points and narrower at others and He told me that the Bible was a complete and accurate depiction of Him through all time and I was to use it to learn from and to correct myself when I was confused.
Next, I asked about Jesus. Again he showed me darker, denser light, a bit like if you took a lot of fog from a huge area and condensed it, to show me that Jesus was God in a finite human form, "smaller" but complete. And explained that Jesus was indeed His Son, and I remember the love of the Father for the Son, which is incredible. It's my dictionary definition of perfect love. Actually, I see the love of the Father for the Son is the best way to put it. It's like that moment is 16 years ago but it's also right now, at the same time.
He reiterated that the Bible would be accurate in recording Jesus's life so I should study and believe the four Gospels, and after that I've always thought of the Gospels as like Double Bible, since God mentioned it twice. Also, by following Jesus, living as He lived, I'd be pleasing to God and know how to live a good and holy life, because this is how the Father's love for Jesus is and why it is so complete. Good things to know.
That was the public stuff, the stuff He said to me so I'd know how to live a good life: Bible and Jesus. After this it got personal. I told Him I'd like to spend forever bringing glory to God and He said that would be my job forever.
After that He told me I was going to stay on earth for the purpose of helping people, because the world and I would never get to be with Him again until this life is over. I asked to be with Him all the time - and this only sounds strange when I try to put it into words. I am not with Him but I am always with Him. I miss Him so much but I am so glad He's here. I miss His pure love in this world of sin, but I'm so glad His pure love is HERE in this world of SIN. It makes sense. It really does.
I was going to mess up many times in the future, and this vision was a lot like when He showed me the Bible, where at times there was only a thin thread where my relationship with Him would almost break, but there would always be this thin thread because I was on earth to help people. This would be the sense in which we were always together. I believe He told me that so I wouldn't feel like I'd made a mistake to choose earth over Him - that in fact I didn't choose earth over Him but in doing this I chose Him most completely - the Him who left heaven to be with us. I wouldn't figure that out for years later, now that I know Him in a more personal way.
In any rate, after that the world returned to normal and I went to bed.
The next day I opened the Bible and asked God to show me what this all meant, how this whole helping people business was going to work. I opened it to the Gospel of Matthew - the part where Satan tempts Jesus. There is a lot of humor in all this. J
Anyway, I then "saw" this being who wanted to destroy all life and decided that because I believed absolutely in God's power to defend me I'd take this being on, right? So, my somewhat more narrowly defined purpose became to defend as much as possible from this being who wants to destroy all life. This is of course all scriptural - but I didn't know it at the time.
After that I went to my friend who was a Southern Baptist and said Take Me To Your Leader!
The next few years were okay, well as okay as ever. During this time, I learned a lot of the basics of faith, but as I grew into that faith I began to get frustrated with how little the church interacted with the world.
Partly because of that and because I am a Sinful Human Being (God certainly had that part right) when I was 16, I left the church of my own will, and got involved in a couple of bad relationships, one with a guy who was seriously anti-Christian, and later with a guy who was a seriously evangelical Christian.
After all that, I reached this point where I was sure that God hated me, didn't want to have anything to do with me ever again, and the worst part was that I still loved Him and couldn't stop thinking about Him. That was seriously what I walked around thinking for several months.
That's when I first thought about joining the Catholic Church - sort of. Basically, I wanted to be a nun and was aware that only the Catholic Church had them. I wanted to be a nun for two reasons. First of all, I never wanted to be involved with a guy Ever Again. And second I thought this way I might eventually do enough penance for my involvement with guys that God might start talking to me again.
So I prayed about this and felt two things. First of all, there was no way the Catholic Church was going to let me be a nun because I was so messed up at that point. That must have been God talking to me, because I don't think I was thinking that rationally. I laugh sometimes looking back at this because of course He was still there and ready to forgive me the instant I asked for it, without having to go through some huge event to prove I was really sorry.
As if God were sort of saying "but, since you asked" I began to have this deep desire to talk to a priest anyway, about the things which had happened to me, like in Confession, which I had seen on TV. I knew, from TV, that priests were not allowed to tell anyone else the things you told them, so I thought it would be safe to say "I think God hates me and here is why," just to get it off my chest like. Not that they'd have power to do anything about it, but just to say it out loud to a professional in spiritual matters who could maybe give me some tips on how to make it so God hated me less.
Anyway, I found out where the local Catholic Church was and drove past it several times, on the verge of just knocking on the door or whatever and saying I want to talk to a priest! And only if he promises he won't tell anyone what I said, because I wanted to be very sure on that point, because of things that had happened.
At that time, I believed that thoughts of going to talk to a priest were more of Satan's lies to me because I still believed the Catholic Church to be idolatrous and evil. I had to stop, pray for God to show me the right way to return to Him - no shortcuts. So I figured I'd tough it out and pray and wait and trust God to make a way for me.
Things got better. People reached out to me here and there, just to say yes God is listening - no He hasn't given up on you.
I spent a lot of time in the library while finishing up my Bachelors in English, so I could become a famous writer one day - or whatever God wanted. I wasn't sure what God wanted from me.
I read several books about cults, including one in which the Catholic Church was described as the Whore of Babylon, the Mother of All Heresy. Crazy as this may sound this was the beginning of my thinking of the Church in a positive way. Until then I'd always taken the fact that the Church was an evil cult of idolaters for granted based on numerous testimonies of believers I trusted and loved. I'd never looked at this teaching in detail before and having done so it seemed as if the truly salient points could just as easily apply to any denomination, or yes, even non-denominational house churches and other religions.
What is more, as for the uniquely Roman Catholic elements, it made sense to me that the Roman Catholic Church would look so much like Babylon in externals IF that is what the Roman Catholic Church is fighting against. It was kind of God's style (see 2 Cor 5:21, Phil 2:2-11) to not only take that city but set up His own camp there as a way to save as much as possible, while in fact getting rid of all the things which make it evil.
In my next-to-last year of college, I felt led to 'Pick up and Read.' Seriously, I felt led to pick up The Confessions by St. Augustine, sitting there on this low bookshelf that faced the window where I always used to sit and study and cry out to God. (The joke here is that St. Augustine's own conversion story sort of "starts" with him being led to Pick up and Read by hearing a kid chanting it while he "happened" to be looking at the Bible.) I had no idea what it was about or why God wanted me to read it and didn't know enough about the Catholic Church to know that he was a Catholic saint. After reading the back I did get the gist that this was a Christian book about some famous guy's conversion, and a classic of literature. That "classic work of literature" part almost scared me off actually since I had more than enough classics to read as it was.
Still, it was short so I figured I'd give the book a chance, since God told me to. We were on speaking terms again. By the time I finished it I felt like maybe God had not entirely given up on me. I mean if God still used Augustine after all that, surely He could use me a little.
This is the point where I sinned in a serious way - I told God that if there was a church like the one Augustine alluded to I wanted to sign up. (Communion with the saints is actually not a strange idea to me. I'm used to talking to 'dead' people through their books, even getting into arguments with them and that one got pretty heated.)
Anyway, the reason I sinned was because I didn't even bother to look into what the Catholic Church believed. I found out Augustine was really important to the Catholic Church and rather than find out more, I decided to go on with my life. Looking back, I think that inexcusable sin was the part where I went terribly wrong.
So, on the outside, I was doing fine. Getting good grades, tutoring students and working the occasional part-time job, all primed to do really well. But inside I lacked all those things a Church gives you.
I decided to Take Matters Into My Own Hands. I decided that in order to help out God a little, I'd be really useful with a Law degree, so I could be one of those pro bono lawyers and help poor people. Inside, I know the truth and so does God. I was pretty much saying screw this religion business. It's time to think about having a normal life - and serving God at the same time. After all Jesus said that bit about serving two masters a LONG time ago.
I got a full scholarship and a live-in boyfriend who wanted to try living together before we got married, which was fine with me because marriage is just a ritual anyway - it doesn't really mean anything.
God stopped talking to me for a long, long time after that.
Finally, three years ago I admitted to myself, to God, that this had all been a huge mistake and it wasn't going to get any better. I moved back to my dad's place in New Jersey, where I stayed for a couple months. My sister had been living with a friend in Florida but came back at about the same time. We moved to Pennsylvania, where we live now.
After attending many churches, I settled on a church recommended by a co-worker and went there for just long enough that I started to think of it as my church. They are awesome people.
Okay, for a long time God would not let me pray about Israel. Prayer is a two-sided conversation with us. I mean, He lets me pray about anything, but I could sense that it was a painful subject for Him so I didn't get too into it in the way you know not to keep talking to that good friend about how their child is critically ill. Just pat their hand now and again.
All of a sudden in my spirit He was like okay now you can start to pray about Israel with a rationale which was both correct and something I could not have known at the time since the newspapers hadn't gotten wind of it just yet. Anyway after months of prayer and discussions with friends and some "coincidental" world events I came to a decision in regards to a rather controversial teaching and said so. So, the next day Lebanese dissidents did something to Israel, something to do with someone kidnapping someone's soldiers and the other side kidnapping their prisoners in retaliation and the whole situation quickly escalated. I know it was the next day because I was discussing this topic and someone made the funny comment that they wondered if God didn't sometimes want to come down and give His children on both sides a solid spanking and tell them never to do it again. Of course it doesn't work that way. Free will and all. Well, an armed conflict started after that.
In any rate what had happened was a big enough deal that the pastor of the church preached a sermon. The sermon epitomized all the incendiary dialogue which I felt sure was making an already volatile situation much worse, with such low points as 1) America was blessed for blessing Israel and would be punished *by God* if it stopped and 2) this conflict in Israel was a fulfillment of biblical prophecy and exciting in a way because it meant Jesus might be coming soon.
Enter the all-too-familiar phase where I start to pound my head on the figurative wall and say Lord, what on earth are you trying to do here?? What do you WANT from me? Was I wrong to pray about Israel, to interpret the Bible, to get up in the morning? Only, okay, this time I knew running away and getting a law degree was not going to make things better. Sigh.
So, I tried to discuss this teaching with the pastor, which led nowhere fast. I prayed about it and was more sure than ever this doctrine was both wrong and dangerous and was ingrained in the church. I couldn't pray this entire teaching out, couldn't discuss it away and it was that bad.
So I decided to leave the church and told my friends about it, that this was what I had decided, and was told that okay … you need to do what you feel the Lord is telling you to do.
Then, an acquaintance died in a freak accident making this worst possible time in the world to leave the church. After a lot of prayer I decided as horrible as I felt at that moment, how much more horrible Palestinian and Israeli women must feel when their own sons who I would never meet died for No Good Reason because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. In the end it only strengthened my resolve. I can still remember the sequence of events. The Wednesday night service which would have been the first one I missed was cancelled anyway – for his viewing, and so I went to Wednesday night anyway, to say goodbye. The last time I walked into that church was at his viewing, to look on the face of the kid I could remember laughing and being so wonderfully honest with us every Wednesday night for several months.
At this point, I wasn't even yelling at God any more. I was too busy being sad beyond words and broken and wishing it had been me who had died because he was still so young, had barely even started on life and this could not really be happening. But life goes on.
After that, I visited a couple of wonderful churches and various Christian groups with friends. Small groups seemed safe because no long-term ramifications, pretty fluid belief systems. Anytime I went to any kind of organized church I would scrutinize Statements of Belief, both long and short versions in a rather paranoid fashion, and even then there were always the unspoken rules, like that part about Israel which had not been written down – but it was evidently *there* just waiting to be uncovered. A year passed like that, with me sort of moving from small group to small group.
Then my dad got sick so I had to help out with him on weekends and before long I was burned out. I gave God a rather detailed list of exactly what I was looking for and now I needed a break from all this religious debate stuff. I wasn't doing anyone any good.
At that time, while I was on "break", that's when I met the Catholic who finally convinced me to look into the Catholic Church more deeply - AND he wasn't even trying to.
I met this openly Roman Catholic Christian through a game. We became friends who talked about Christian stuff off and on. At this point I was willing to cede that Catholics could not only be Christians but good ones due to God making sure that I was aware of this. My friend would talk about going to Church every Sunday and I'd say I wish I had a church to go to without getting into details as to why not. Also, my dad had finally gotten well enough so I didn't have to go out every weekend so I *could* go to church if I found one. All of those things converging at one time, I guess.
So, my friend crossed the line. He dared to judge me for not having a church, to say that I was sinning, and that he wouldn't stop telling me that I was sinning until I found a church, in essence telling me we were no longer friends until I found a church. He said it didn't matter what church I went to but I had to find a church family and stick with it. If something about the teachings in the one I'd been going to was bad, I could always find another one and it was about time I did. And after that, sure enough, he refused to talk to me. I felt hurt and angry and betrayed.
I told everyone who would listen what he had done, and how stupid these rules were, like going to Church on Sunday makes you holier than people who serve Jesus in other ways. It included such low points as 1) Catholics were the pinnacle of everything wrong with Christianity and 2) they all cared more about rules than the people the rules are there to protect.
After the dust cleared and I was thinking clearly again, I knew what I had to do.
So, I apologized for all the bad things I'd said to everyone I'd said them to, and told my friend I was very sorry. We made up. As soon as possible, I went to a Mass, to spend some time with these people so I would know how to intercede for them more effectively. Altogether, I really liked the Mass and it gave me some nice things to say to God about these people, which was all that I was after.
So, that was that. I put in my time. I got my bulletin. I'd pray for them and be done with it.
No, not really. I realized how much I missed Sunday worship. This was the first time in months that I had been to a church on Sunday and it felt good and right to do so, but it also felt like this was something you did with *your* church – not just a random church, you know? So I felt that dread seep over my soul - the one where I would wonder on what basis I should pick a church. So, I wondered in an idle way why the Roman Catholic Church was not an option. I made a mental review of the reasons why the Catholic Church was definitely out, which even when I wasn't angry was a pretty hefty list. J
Then I thought, well, maybe it could help me get over myself in terms of wanting to find a One True Church because after all that was what it would take, something like the Catholic Church. Maybe I was like the Israelites asking for a king, right? Maybe when I found out what Catholics were doing wrong it would help me to see what I was doing wrong, and I'd be able to pick an imperfect church at random or at least keep up my small group studies without feeling like I was missing out on God's will for me. Because better that than to become Catholic with all its legalism and pride.
I decided to look at the bulletin I'd picked up and see if there was any indication of a non-rude socially polite way for someone like me to learn a little more. I saw that there were meetings on Monday nights where people could go to find out more about the Catholic Church.
The sister in charge of Rite of Christian Initation for Adults (something which I took to be an insanely fancy way of saying 'here we will tell grown-ups what the Church is about' – but, whatever) explained these classes would be going on until Easter, when some people chose to join the Church. I told her I wasn't planning on joining, and she said it was okay to come just to learn more, and I was pretty adamant that this was my only purpose in going.
The first class was so different.
First, I was the only one with a Bible. I kept looking around, waiting for someone else to take out a Bible. And then the Monsignor said in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And made the sign of the cross. And *everyone* did it at the same time as him, like they just knew. I honestly wondered if I was in the right place, if I'd made a mistake and walked into an advanced class. (Actually, when we "cross" ourselves we are praying to the Father - the top part - the Son - the bottom part - and the Holy Spirit - the cross part.)
At that time, I had just spent the weekend reading the entire Catechism, which did not tell me how to make the Sign of the Cross, or if it did I missed that part. I had also over the weekend decided to join the Catholic Church.
What happened was, my friend told me this would be a good source for what Catholics believed so I borrowed a copy of the Catechism from the library.
I was thinking I'll spend maybe a month in these classes (the amount of time until there would be some ritual for people who wanted to join which would NOT be including me thanks). Library loans last for three weeks and can be renewed for three weeks as long as no one is requesting them (of the 5 copies of the Catechism, all were checked in so no danger there). So I figured I'd read the book over the course of that month, and go to these classes. Then I'd feel like I've given them a fair hearing. I did not mean to read it all in a single weekend.
What happened was, I figured out pretty quickly that God was having the last laugh – as always. He so orchestrated it, knowing me down to a tee, that it's not even funny. Well, okay, it is. So I finally took the wrapping paper off the gift which had been sitting there for ten-plus years and was like wow ... God answered my prayers for a Church.
God only knows the number of times I sat with my brow furrowed reading this book like … why have I never read this before? Go to change laundry, hang out with friends (cuz I did have a few things that had to get done that weekend), come home and read more. It doesn't replace the Bible by any means. It was what I was looking for – a current, present (if not prescient) way of explaining their faith to the current world, to those who would have to explain it to the current world – and continue to do so as problems arise. It even had a darn good method for that.
I disagreed with exactly 1 (one) thing in the entire catechism, which conflicted with the Bible (where Mary has other children - or so I thought) and I have to believe the Bible because God Told Me Too, whether or not it seems possible or probable or even relevant. I didn't want to go back to church-shopping. It seemed horrible now that another possibility was even dimly available. I prayed to the Lord and also to Mary, because the Church said it was okay and because I decided I'd like to get to know her and this issue - her virginity - had to do with her.
Long story short, on the basis of the authority of the Church, I said fine this will be my first act of subjection. There is apparently some grounds to believe Mary *might* have stayed virgin and this is not in direct contradiction to the Scripture (if it had been I would not be a Catholic right now.) 10 minutes later, God led me to re-read the Annunciation and gave me confirmation.
After that I decided I was ready to join then and there! Just kidding. It's not like that either.
After the first RCIA class, I spoke to the sister for the first time and I was still hedging.
I told her briefly about my spiritual history including my meeting with God, honestly half-expecting her to tell me that God didn't talk to people like that anymore. Instead she said that this was a precious thing which had happened to me and that I knew it was God even if other people probably doubted it at times.
She asked me a bunch of background check level questions, for if I decided to join the Catholic Church. If not for that weekend I probably would have given my name and phone number and left it at that, but I was willing to subject myself to this whole RCIA business if that was what the authority of the Church stated, sure they would reject me at some point and then it wouldn't be my fault for disobeying God because I tried. Honestly, that's what I told God – and He sort of laughed, like you're right Anne, IF they reject you after you have honestly presented yourself as you are I'll still love you and let you intercede for them that they don't get punished for doing so, because that was my concern at that point. And when I say intercede I mean the ultra-fun job I have of standing up for people who say horrible things about me which is actually a lot nicer than it sounds, because Jesus is right there doing it with me. So, it's all good.
So, it's not that I wanted to join up or even that the Church was obviously steering me that way. No, it was that I could tell God wanted me to. And God scares me. A lot.
I did have reasons to not get involved with the Catholic Church. It would take too long to get into them all, but I took them up with Him because He was and is my Main Concern.
Perhaps the most memorable part of the entire RCIA was the tour of the Church in the beginning.
In place of the third class, the pastor of the Church took us all for a tour, so we could see for ourselves how it all worked. He took us all over, showed us everything - with an obvious gleam of love in his eyes as he picked up the various pieces, the kind of love that comes with years and battles won while you hold those pieces. After being shown the candles people burned to represent their prayers, he took us over to the altar. I started to walk over that way and had taken only a few steps when I had to stop. I felt something, powerful.
You could call it some kind of psychological trick, all those statues and the crucifix and the altar. But I felt Him.
I didn't know exactly where this feeling was coming from, but I knew He was there, somewhere, very near. So I paused out of a feeling of reverence and bowed my head to acknowledge Him and said, "Hello, my Beloved," under my breath before approaching the sanctuary.
When the priest opened the tabernacle and explained they kept the hosts inside I knew that's what it was. In that instant I knew what Paul meant about discerning the body of the Lord. This was what I had been missing all those years of bread and grape juice and 'it's just a symbol. We don't believe what the Catholics do.'
Oh yes, and I agree that God does not require the Church. If He wanted to He could destroy all of us right now and still be Him. Okay not really, because He's not like that. (That would in fact be the other side, aka Satan.) But He could do it and none of us would be around to dispute Him either. So there. All glory to God, He has chosen to involve us singly and collectively in the work of redemption. See http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__P27.HTM (the section of the catechism about the Church and its role in all this.)
The entire Catechism is online at http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc/index.htm if anyone's curious.
Anyway, this was an act of my free will, with the best of my mental abilities all sort of called together in a wonderful way to weigh in and this is what I honestly believe to be true.
I believe and profess all that the Holy Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God. And that includes anything that may come up in the future. For the record.
In Galatians 2, Paul states that he went to Peter and the other apostles and was approved by them but he *knew* he had seen God and had no doubt about it. I had just quoted that to a friend in regards to apostolic succession, and the next day the Gospel was from John 3 where Jesus said that all who are of the light come to the light so that their works may be approved.
I didn't need the Catholic Church to tell me or even affirm that I've seen God. Conversely, God does not need us to affirm He is God in order to be God. But, God inhabits the praise of His people. In order for us in our free will to see Him, we must willingly acknowledge Him to be God – and this happens individually and as a society. I hate to say it, but read the entire Bible for confirmation on that. The Lord is always very firm with me on these two points so I know exactly the right note to strike. He puts up with so much for our sakes – and all too often we fail to extend this same grace to others. And Jesus had some harsh words to say in regard to that.
To be very honest the biggest issue I had approaching Catholicism was not any of the intellectual arguments. It was simply, Lord … will I still be your baby girl? Will I still be able to sit at Your feet and talk to You like always? When all is said and done and I've thought big thoughts – or whatever You want from me, will I still be Your baby girl?? And also, right along with that, my fear for myself, my fear for others. Can I trust the Church to protect Your babies, Your little ones? After all the brilliance and rhetoric has passed is this a place where we have You my Beloved? And I guess that probably shows in my story, how important that is.
So this is what I was most afraid of.
Not only have I not lost that intimacy but now it is physical and real. So much so that it pains me to the bone to hear the Real Presence questioned and to have to defend it. Or Jesus having really come in the flesh. Or Him being the complete image of the Father, God in human flesh. Or Him loving us. That is the worst, defending the actual integrity and love of the One I love more than anything. I concede I have a personal, creaturely vested interest which makes me biased but I try despite that to give an unbiased attention to those who think Jesus is … oh Lord! … an idol or made up or a tyrant or even Satan. I love Him so much – and even entertaining these thoughts enough to refute them, holding them in my mind as thoughts other people think, feels like a tiny betrayal, but You know it's not. You know all things.
As always, Lord, be my judge and correct me if I'm doing anything wrong. Please do not allow me to remain in error. Please. I lay myself and my works at Your feet for You, the True Judge, to test and refine. I ask this not for my sake, but for the sake of those You have given me to care for, who I may harm or mislead if I do the wrong thing. For their sakes my Beloved, speak to my heart. Father, help me to help others. I need You Lord, today and every day. Show me the truth.
In Your name, Yeshua ha Massiach. To God be the glory forever and ever.
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JillD
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Visalia, California USA |
| Posts: | 600 |
| First Name: | Jill | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | heathen, EvFree, Messianic, LC-MS, Catholic 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 04:45 am |
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I enjoyed your story, Anne. I bet you have a great sense of humor, at least, it's one of the things that came through to me. And how wonderful to have such a sense of personal closeness to Our Lord. Sometimes I feel that my relationship with Him is heavily weighted toward the intellectual and I yearn for a deeper relationship, but just can't seem to figure out how to get there. I always seem to have to analyze everything...
Anyway, thank you for sharing!
Jill
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"The alternative to obedience is to turn the conversation into a cacophony of Christians making it up as they go along." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus
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| Joined: | Wed Nov 28th, 2007 |
| Location: | Michigan USA |
| Posts: | 109 |
| First Name: | Jane | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Presbyterian, Gnostic, non-demoninational, Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Apr 14th, 2008 04:19 pm |
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A beautiful story. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. 
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