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susiedear
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 12th, 2006 |
| Location: | Twin Cities, Minnesota USA |
| Posts: | 186 |
| First Name: | Elizabeth | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Pentecostal / Evangelical / Catholic! |
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 10:29 am |
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I'm not sure where to post this message, but because my situation centers around prayer to our Blessed Mother, I hope this is a good spot.
I am an unemployed English teacher, one of several hundred in my metropolitan area. Before becoming a teacher, I worked in the newspaper industry for over 20 years. I was told by my college recruiter that I would have no problem finding a regular teaching job because of my background. That has proven to be false.
On Jan. 1, the Solemnity of Mary, I went to Mass and asked for her intercession again regarding my job situation. Three days later I got a call from a vice principal at a school where I had never applied or worked as a substitute. They had a long-term position open and were looking for someone to come teach until the end of the year. I interviewed and got the job. I was thrilled! Surely, I thought, this was directly tied to the intercession of our Blessed Mother.
But then I started trying to teach, and, hands down, it was the hardest place I have ever worked. Kids were out of control, turning over desks, throwing books, profanity and insubordination. The school administration tried to help but their help was ineffective. This was not a learning environment, it was total chaos. I did my best but could not bring these students under control. I finally gave up in defeat four weeks into the assignment.
I feel as though I fell off a horse and don't have the strength to get back on -- my love of teaching has been totally taken away. Worse, I feel as though I rejected what had to have been God's will. Clearly He brought me to this school and I walked away.
Have any of you been in a situation like this? How was your faith restored?
Thanks for listening. Elizabeth
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But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the return you get is sanctification and its end, eternal life. St. Augustine
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Darlene
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 03:34 pm |
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Dearest Susie,
If I hadn't known better, I would think you were writing my own story. As I read every word you wrote, I kept thinking, "I understand exactly the way you feel and what you are going through."
Susie, I don't even know where to begin, except to say you will be in my prayers. I too, for many years worked in a different field than teaching. For awhile, I was a dental assistant. Eventually I became involved in the MHMR field, working with those who had mental disorders and also substance abuse. I went back to school and majored in Education.
Before I went back to school, I asked the Lord to open the doors for me if He really wanted me to teach. Each step of the way, the doors were opened. At one point, it looked as though my credits from another college weren't going to transfer. I resolved that if they didn't, it would not be the Lord's will for me to teach. Well, my credits were accepted and I graduated with a B.S. in Education and now have a certification in English and Social Studies.
For awhile I substituted. Then, out of no where it seemed, I went on an interview for a English/Social Studies position for 10th and 12th grade. I was hired immediately. Even that day though, my husband said to me that it seemed too easy, too quick. He cautioned me to think about whether or not I should accept the job. (they returned the call to hire me even before I arrived home.) I wanted to teach so badly, that I really didn't heed what my husband said.
So I, like you, took the job. Only this was a full-time permanent position. I was not told in the interview, but discovered the first week that the teacher I was replacing was really liked by the students. Why? Because he hung out with them after school. He met them at diners, partied with them, smoked pot, had some of the girls cut his hair, an all-around lousy role model. And as a teacher, he had them do the minimal amount of work.
On my first day, the students were surprised, to their dismay, that their buddy/friend teacher was let go. They were angry. The 12th grade English class started throwing their books, cursing, some students walked out. It was a zoo. That "zoo" atmosphere only got worse as time went on. Students would curse at me, some threatened to hit me, one picked up his desk to throw it at me, many would just get up and leave the classroom and go complain to the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor would be sympathetic to what they had to say. The other 12th grade class consisted only of boys. They would come in and talk about their sexual and drug escapades from the night before. The one boy came in with a hang over one time. I sent him down to the nurse's office. The assistant principal sent him back to my classroom. If students didn't want to work during class, they would talk, get up out of their seats, do their own thing. I was disciplining students more than getting any teaching accomplished.
I could not believe what was happening to me. Had the Lord led me to this job, and if so, why was it so horrible? I felt so alone and would cry every day while driving to school. I would pray desperately that Jesus would just help me to survive through that day. One day, I nearly had a nervous breakdown and my husband had to come to the school and take me home. I started taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication just to be able to function. I could not sleep and would have nightmares of the students harming me. I lost my appetite and lost weight. I was not able to even eat most of the time while at school.
Increasingly, incidents began to happen, in which I would try to get the Administration involved. One day, the 10th grade class just started acting up. Many of the students just started talking and ignoring me. When I told them to be quiet, they replied that they didn't have to listen to me. It became a chaotic atmosphere. I called the principal to come down. He did, but was very disturbed that he was interrupted. Later, he admonished me for not being able to manage my classroom on my own. Another time, a student in the 12th grade class, who refused to stop talking, threatened me. I told him to be quiet and do his work. He stood up, looked me in the face, and said he would love to punch me and cursed me out. I told him to leave the classroom and sent him down to the principal's office. At the end of the day, I was called into the principal's office and admonished for sending the student out of the classroom. When I explained how he threatened me, that didn't matter to the principal. He said that the student, (who was a Learning Support student) had the right to a free, public education at all times. And that if he didn't get it, his parents could sue the school district.
I could go on and on, with the horror stories. Skinhead kids, saying sac-religious things in class. A student who wrote profanities about our Lord on a paper and left it for me to see. When I took the paper down to the Assisant principal's office, the studdent was not disciplined in any way. Students would complain to the principal about me and lie. He would believe them and not me. Eventually, I had to take a union rep in with me while talking to the principal, because it became so adversarial.
My mentor, who was supposed to help me acclamate, was always unavailable. She would leave school right after class ended. She soon began avoiding me. One of the union reps, went to the principal behind my back and "squealed" on me. That is supposed to be against union regulations. A few teachers were kind enough to warn me that the principal had several grievances against him for harassing certain teachers. Being the new kid on the block, the cards were stacked against me.
Needless to say, it was the worst job I ever had. I stayed till the end of the semester and then quit. One of the reasons is that I was put on an "action plan." I was warned by one teacher that a few years before, a chemistry teacher had been put on an "action plan" and nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to fulfill all the requirements. The principal had basically set her up for failure. I was told he would do the same thing to me.
Susie, I don't have all the answers in your situation, but one thing I know. God is faithful. He loves you. Seek His comfort and consolation. As time goes on, you will understand the situation better.
Love in Christ,
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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susiedear
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 12th, 2006 |
| Location: | Twin Cities, Minnesota USA |
| Posts: | 186 |
| First Name: | Elizabeth | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Pentecostal / Evangelical / Catholic! |
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 05:49 pm |
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Dear Darlene, you are far stronger than I -- I admire your tenacity for staying in an awful situation until the end of the semester. I didn't have the strength to last more than a few weeks. My principal didn't criticize me, but he sure didn't support my efforts to bring my classes under control. I would send out a student for throwing, shouting profanity, putting a snowball down a classmate's back, etc., -- the student would come back to the classroom after a 5-minute lecture, madder than ever. I left because it was obvious that there was no way I could turn my classes around, and the stress was clearly affecting me and my family.
My daughter, who is only nine, started having horrific nightmares about me dying, especially when she heard about a student throwing a wooden block at my head. She internalized her fears and they turned into nightmares. When I told her that I quit, she responded, "Oh, good! Now I don't have to worry about your safety."
Teaching has been tough on both of us! I'm so sorry for all you endured, and I thank you for empathizing and your words of comfort. You lifted my heart on a day when it needed lifting.
Elizabeth
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But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the return you get is sanctification and its end, eternal life. St. Augustine
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Sun Feb 18th, 2007 02:40 pm |
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Dear Elizabeth,
I just wanted to add that I too, went through the inward struggles of questioning my faith. Such questions as, "If it was God's will for me to take this job, then why has it been so horrific? Is God punishing me for something I have done?" or "What am I doing wrong? Why are so many opposed to me? Why does the principal criticize me, my mentor abandon me, the students disrespect me, and the parents have no willingness to work with me? I must be a lousy teacher." or "I must not have heard God's voice afterall. It must have been a voice in my head telling me to take the job." or "How could I have been so stupid to take that job? And then after taking it, stay till the end of the semester?" And, many more voices than I care to mention.
Just recently, a Psalm came to my mind. I looked it up and read it.
"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep." Psalm 127:1 & 2
At the time that the Lord directed me to this verse, I was actually thinking about our non-denominational church and whether staying there would be fruitless, building upon the sand and not the rock. But the Lord used this verse to speak to me about my teaching job. Up until this time (which was only several weeks ago), I didn't quite know how to put my horrible teaching experience into perspective. So I just "shelved" it, believing that the Lord would eventually show me His purposes in it. Well, just after I read the second verse, I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit clearly and plainly. "And such was your teaching experience. For you rose up early and went to bed late at night, eating the bread of anxious toil. And you had no sleep. Your sleep was terrifying nightmares and interrupted. It was not God's will for you to be there. You wanted that job, but you should have listened to your husband."
Afterward, I had such peace. The Lord showed me that I went ahead of Him, wanting something so badly that I did not heed His voice. For many months I prayed, "Lord if you don't want me to teach, then please take this yearning, this strong desire to teach, out of my heart." And He has answered that prayer not too long ago. Some time near the end of December, I left school after subbing one day. I realized that day that I no longer wanted to teach in the public school system. Then just two weeks ago, I went in on a substitute assignment in the high school nearest my home. Again, when I left that day and was driving home, I began to cry. I realized that regardless of all the hard work I had done to go back to school, all the substituting I had done in the public school system in hopes of being permanently hired, all of this was to no avail in regards to being hired. I no longer wanted to teach in the public school system. It has become corrupt and strayed from its original foundations, not unlike the Protestant churches straying from orthodoxy.
The only teaching position I am interested in at this juncture is in the Catholic schools. So, I will apply for positions in the two different dioceses near my home. And I am also applying for jobs in the Social Work/Psychology field.
If you would like to talk with me further, please feel free to email me personally. I would love to talk with you about your inward struggles. Believe me Elizabeth, I do understand your plight.
Love in Christ,
Darlene
____________________
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 395 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Sun Feb 18th, 2007 03:03 pm |
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I am not in a teaching situation, but I can empathize with your qestioning. From the day I gave my life to the Lord, I have struggled with every aspect of my life. My family went from making apx. $25,000 per month to less than my monthly bills (apx. $3,500) in a matter of months, and was deeply in debt within about a year. My husband and I argue about everything - moral values, church going, innapropriate tv and music for the kids, sexual issues - NFP & such. Although I still get along with all my friends, I am the only one who strives for God, escept for my pentacostl best friend, which has become the most strained relationship of all. Got pregnant, husband threatened to leave, had a miscarriage, lost God's closeness. Am being sued for financial reasons.
I have spent years wondering, "Am I not pleasing you?" "Why are you punishing me for falling in love with you?"
Today, I know God is with me, but tomorrow, I may be just as lost as yesterday. I guess this is where real faith comes in.
Johnette Benkovic and her husband have said, "This is where you need a real faith and not a fake faith". Maybe, God is just building our faith, by teaching us to trust Him, even when it seems in vain.
God bless you-
Laura
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Sun Feb 18th, 2007 04:08 pm |
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Wow, Laura. I will truly hold you in prayer more often. When you put all of your struggles like that in a nutshell, it seemed overwhelming to me.
God Bless You, Sister!
Darlene
____________________
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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susiedear
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 12th, 2006 |
| Location: | Twin Cities, Minnesota USA |
| Posts: | 186 |
| First Name: | Elizabeth | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Pentecostal / Evangelical / Catholic! |
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Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 11:53 am |
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Dear Darlene, again, God has used your understanding words to minister to me. I completely understand your desire not to teach in a public school system -- it is broken because it reflects our broken culture and our lack of faith. I pray for both of us that our love of teaching will be restored, and that we will both find positions in a Catholic school.
Last year I taught for four months in a Catholic school as a long-term sub. It was both wonderful and tough. I was filling in for a much-loved teacher who was on bedrest and maternity leave. It took the students a while to get comfortable with me, but eventually they did and we were able to create a good learning environment. The tough part was that a fellow teacher decided that she couldn't stand me, and for most of the assignment she did her best to let me know how I wasn't measuring up. I kept responding in kindness, (which, believe me, took loads of prayer!), and eventually she stopped being so critical. I learned many valuable lessons teaching in that school, and my faith was strengthened.
The best thing about teaching in a Catholic school was not having to leave my faith at the door. It was liberating to pray and integrate faith into my teaching! I earnestly tried to find a regular teaching job at a Catholic school this past summer but nothing opened up, as most schools in my area are suffering due to lack of enrollment.
The scripture verse that keeps coming to my mind is from the Sermon on the Mount: "So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself." I have a hard time not worrying. I am certain that God is using the experiences of the past few weeks to teach me to trust in him more.
Dear Laura, thank you for writing. As Darlene said, I will hold you in special prayer -- May God hold you close and meet your needs as you walk through this awful time. God is not punishing you for drawing close to him, he's not like that one bit! But I sure wish that I knew why all these things are happening to you, and I certainly understand how such circumstances can make you question God's mercy and justice. Please let me know how you are doing.
Elizabeth
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But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the return you get is sanctification and its end, eternal life. St. Augustine
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 395 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 01:44 pm |
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Thank you both.
I have suffered so much these past 5 1/2 long, long years. But, strangely, maybe just for now, and in between the violent "other people's pregnancies" related meltdowns - which are happening less and less - I am at relative peace. Even with all the terrible struggles I have been going through, I still would never, ever go back to the person I used to be. I would never want to be a non-God lover. I have learned so many important things these past years; compassion, acceptance, humility, true self worth, forgiveness - especially of myself, true love, trust in God. I have to say, I am thankful that my love of God is not based on the good feelings He gives me (because He's not). Nor is it based on the glory I have received in His Name (because I haven't). Nor even the "rewards" of faith I receive (because I don't).
My love for God is based on the knowledge that, as My Creator, He is all deseving of every fiber of my being, my love, my soul.
That is the gift suffering has given me.
Love, Laura
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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