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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 01:03 am |
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Hello everyone. I really could use some marital advice. I am a fairly new Catholic and my husband is a nominal "on the fence" person spiritually, raised in a semi-church going family. He goes to Mass with me and the kids, but usually falls asleep.
Issue:
I am wondering how many of you believe the wife and mom should stay home and raise the kids (not working ourside the home)....and how many of you are 2-career couples? I know this is kind of an "off the wall question", but it's affecting our marriage lately.
I have recently begun being a stay at mother, after spending the first half of our marriage working. With my decision to stay home, (I'm just too tired lately--getting older as well, with teens now=== ) it seems to put undue strain on our marriage financially especially lately. My husband expects me to do everything in the home, cooking, cleaning, shuffling kids all over, errands, etc., and NOW get another job too! He said tonight, if I "don't want to work, he's leaving". I already work and hard!!!! What does he mean??? What should I do? I just don't feel I'd be up to it anymore. I'm exhausted as it is now. Teenagers are must harder and require mom more than when they were toddlers, IMO. He doesn't seem to understand this at all.
Any advice on what or how should I handle this in a Christian manner? I want to do God's Will, and feel His Will is with me being home. I seem to be THE ONLY mother of all my kids' friends that's home. That's why my kids' friends are always here for milk cookies and playing. And I love this!
Any advice on how to approach my husband? Is it his job to figure out the finances? That's how my parents brought me up. Dadf works, Mom stays home. Hubby came from a home where mom really wore the pants in the family and was a workalcolic. Please help! I need to spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament about this.
Thanks so much!
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~Connie~
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rose may
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| Joined: | Tue Aug 28th, 2007 |
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| First Name: | rose | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | long circuitous route to Catholicism |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 09:22 am |
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This is a pretty sensitive situation, especially with the "I'm leaving if you don't...." threat.
I personally believe the mother should be in the home, and in clearly defined roles for mother and father. The families I've observed with this structure tend to be much healthier families.
In an ideal family the father should be able to exercise a role of leadership, be the primary provider, protector, and guide.
BUT this requires two mature people operating from the same belief systems to truly work. If you are unable to convince him of the beauty of your rightful place in the home, nurturing and caring for the children, it will create a lot of friction. Stay-at-home moms are only marginally acceptable in our society as it is.
If financial stress is the biggest factor, you might consider ways to simplify your life to be able to live more confortably under one income. I suppose you could also consider something part-time or just a couple days a week to help to supplement.
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BodRod
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 |
| Location: | Apple Valley, California USA |
| Posts: | 720 |
| First Name: | Cliff | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Raised an SDA, then Generic Christian, finally at home with ... |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 10:18 am |
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Hi Connie,
First of all, I enjoyed your icon regarding raising teenagers. We survived four of them and I totally agree with that pic.
Several questions came to mind when I read your posting. One question is, have you had a complete health check-up recently? Another question is, how many kids (not counting friends or other cookies munchers) do you have? A third question that came to mind was, is he giving you the real reason for his threatening behavior? Sometimes, a spouse will give a reason for their behavior, which they think will be more socially acceptable, than their real reason.
Our case was a little different. My wife stayed home with the kids from their births and as they were growing up. Yes, it does cause many a penny to get pinched, especially when they got to school age and went to private school. I felt badly that I could not give them each a car and a university education. They had to work part-time.
However, since they have grown older, married and with kids, (I'm a great grandpa, brag, brag, brag!!!) they have commented that they appreciated my wife being there for them. They knew that if there was any trouble in the neighborhood, they could head for home and be safe. Also, other parents knew that there would be an adult at our house, should their child want to visit. Come to think about it, in one town where we lived, she was a "Block Mother" and we had a sign in the window, given to us by the local school district, letting the neighborhood kids know that if there was a problem, they could come to our house and be safe.
So, I am a BIG believer in an adult, preferably Mom, being home.
Last edited on Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 01:46 pm by BodRod
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Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 02:28 pm |
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Hi Bod Rod!
Wow you're a great grandpa! That's so wonderful! What a blessing!
Thank you for your reply, and the other ones too.
Yes, this is a sensitive issue. To answer one poster first, we have cut back in every possible way. Don't have any car payments, or anything else, a meager home, just basic bills, like food, gas, utilities, etc. THAT'S IT!
My husband has made some very foolish financial decisions and choices in the past few years, which unfortunately now we both have to feel the results of, sadly. In otherwords, "he blew it", job wise, with some very good jobs he had in the past, now he's managed to find another one, but its in a much less paying profession. Since his mother was a workaholic, I think he expects me to just "pick up the ball", and take care of things for him, picking up the slack, financially. I'm not a super-woman!!! like his mother. He resents me for not being one. And, I have so many responsibilities around the home, and with the children, (2) --it's unbelievable. My husband rarely cooks, cleans or does laundry, or barely any housework. It's all my job, now he threatens me if I don't "get a job", he's leaving......saying our marriage maybe should never have happened. I know he's saying this all because I'm not "working" and bringing in money. No he doesn't value the role of a stay at home at all.
I realize BodRod, you value, and say, you're a big believer in Mom staying home, as I am too for, the role of a stay at home mother, is so highly under-valued in today's society. But should a man force his wife to "get a job"? This is so un-Christianlike in my opinion. I have so much on my plate presently, no one, no one understands. His parents of course hate me, because I am a mom at home, (working harder than I ever have in my life before). They only value women, who act like men, out there in the work force, etc.......Really sad.:?
But........still, what would your advice be? To do or say to my husband about this? I know you've said you value this role. OK. So do I. If a husband treats his wife this way, saying the things he's said, what should the wife do? What would you tell your daughter to do, if she was married to a man like this?
I suppose since my children are in school, I could possibly seek out something p/t a couple days a week. But it would never work. Have done this before, and have gotten 0 help from him, the household in total chaos. I said it would never happen again. Now he's threatening me again, to "get a job". He just is having a very hard time with supporting his family here.
I'm also really doubting his capability as a man. My respect for him is dwindling rapidly, especially by what he says to me.
Thanks. As you can tell, feel really down in the dumps.
Would appreciate your prayers.
Last edited on Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 02:35 pm by Connie
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~Connie~
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BodRod
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 |
| Location: | Apple Valley, California USA |
| Posts: | 720 |
| First Name: | Cliff | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Raised an SDA, then Generic Christian, finally at home with ... |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 03:12 pm |
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Obviously, I can not tell you what to do. However, in my senior years I have become a bit more confrontational than I was in my younger years and I don't give a rodent's differential what people think. The first thing that came to mind was Ephesians 5:22 - 30. I have seen those verses misused, by husbands, many many times. If either of you do not want to put your situation into a biblical advice situation, then you might consider the psychological position. Each of you are individuals and have personal desires, needs and goals. You also have common goals such as familial goals, social goals, religious goals, etc. and your collective life must be negotiated to a satisfactory pattern in those areas. BTW, negotiated means worked out together as opposed to an order from the top down or a demand from the bottom up. The two of you can either work together to strengthen you relationship and support your children or you can work apart to destroy your relationships. Whatever you two decide to do or not do, remember there are other members of the familial constellation that will be effected and affected for their rest of their lives.
Like I said, I tend to be a bit confrontational these days! (I think "confrontational" sounds better than bossy!!!) 
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Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
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JillD
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| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Visalia, California USA |
| Posts: | 600 |
| First Name: | Jill | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | heathen, EvFree, Messianic, LC-MS, Catholic 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 04:25 pm |
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Hi Connie,
Assuming your husband's concerns are truly and purely financial, my husband, who's kind of a whiz at this financial stuff, brought out these things for you to consider:
* How much "after taxes" would you really bring in? What if you take out a short-term line of credit for the amount you would earn between now and when the kids go off to college (or whatever), and pay it back by your working after they're gone?
* What might be the potential costs monetarily, emotionally, and otherwise of your not being home with them during this critical time of their lives? Not everything can be measured in dollars and cents.
* Are the kids old enough to get part-time jobs?
* Would you need to hire someone to help with the housework and yardwork you are doing now if you go to work?
How do your kids feel about you going to work, anyway?? My two are now off to college (and the empty nest is the pits!) and even now, when I don't answer their phone calls, their plaintive message is "Mommmmm. Where arrrre you???"
* And what a goofy threat that is, to leave you if you don't get a job. It would cost him even more to leave you. His wages would be garnished; he'd have no place to live; all his possessions would be half yours, etc. Another bad financial decision.
His suggestion is that you find a financial planner who can give you a clear picture of where you stand, how to save for the future, get a budget going, etc. Maybe your husband feels he simply doesn't have a handle on where you guys stand, that his financial world is shifting sand. That can be a disconcerting feeling.
Of course, no one on this forum has a very clear picture of what you're going through. We can throw advice out there and hope that one or two pieces of it might be of some help. I hope so!
This I do know, though. When I was pregnant with the first of our two, many, many people told me "They grow up so fast." I took that to heart. I did not work much at all when they were at home. I home schooled them all the way through. And still it went by SO FAST. My heart is broken now that they're not home. As much as you can, CHERISH these last few years that they're still walking through your front door every day, that phone calls are for them, that their friends are hanging out in your kitchen. When they're gone, the house is very big, very empty, very quiet.....
Jill
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"The alternative to obedience is to turn the conversation into a cacophony of Christians making it up as they go along." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 05:16 pm |
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Thanks so much Jill and Bod Rod. I don't mind confrontational at all! Go ahead and just tell me like you see it. And thanks for the vs. in Ephesians. **** God's Word is so wise. It really tells us all we need to know for everything in life. Just after I posted this message, today actually, I really have been considering leaving my family and going abroad for a year or so getting a job there, to tell my husband to call me if he can handle the family finances then, then I'll come home. I don't believe in divorce, but friends, I feel so under-valued, under-appreciated, criticized, etc. and yes un-loved by him. We have been to counseling, it made no difference.
On the one hand, my children's friends are always over, on the other, they tell me, (uttering the mood most likely of their dad), "mom get a job......we're always broke....then we could get a plasma TV, a new car, etc."........This world is so materialistic.
I don't think my children at their ages now, would suffer at all with me working p/t. I would. I might. Unless it was a stress relieving job, something I loved. I'm afraid I'd be too exhausted, too tired, have to do so much more myself than I am now, and frankly, turn into a zombie again. When our children were small, and I was working full-time, along with shuffling them off to day care, and I nearly had a breakdown from the stress. Had to take Valium on occasion for panic attacks I had at work, and then coming home to dishes in the sink, housework to be done, NO helpful husband, marketing, fixing dinner, tending to children, then waking up to do the same thing all over again.
So....I guess the issue is really not my children needing me to be around so much anymore, the issue is me, and my mental, emotional, physical health. There's many more problems in our marriage occurring in the past 10 years, that I have not shared here, but they all have taken it's toll on me physically, emotionally. I don't think I have the strength for working. I barely have the strength for life anymore. Have told my husband this, he says "you do what you have to do".....very insensitive. Well why doesn't HE do it then???
Just typing this makes me realize I might need some personal counseling here. My husband has brought me through h___ and back since we've been married. Every imagainable problem. Even a Priest told me I have every reason for an annullment, but for the long term sake of our precious children, I will not divorce him. But I am so unhappy. Only God is my strength right now and my shield, which was my motto when I came into the Catholic Church.
Anyway, what do you guys think of the idea of separating, going to Europe for one year, working,??? (Have relatives in Europe). I feel I could work a lot easier alone than in this marriage. The stress of my marriage is just too overwhelming, that working outside the home would send me to a hospital. Does anyone understand this at all? Believe me, I come from a good solid Christian home, and have always been a strong capable gal. It's just that these past 10 years you wouldn't believe all that's happened. If anyone wants to know, I'll mention it, but just take a guess, I've endured it all. I keep thinking what would Jesus have me do?
Thanks for listening.
Jill, I love the pics of your little ones!!!! I love Visalia too! Had a friend living there at one time, now lives elsewhere. Bay area close by--lots of fun concerts, opera, etc.
God Bless All
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~Connie~
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JillD
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Visalia, California USA |
| Posts: | 600 |
| First Name: | Jill | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | heathen, EvFree, Messianic, LC-MS, Catholic 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 01:03 am |
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Wow, Connie, you have a lot going on there.... I wish there were more I could say, but I'm sure 99% of it would be irrelevant to your situation because this sort of forum is so difficult for conveying the depth of what you're facing. Basic platitudes are probably not what you need to hear and specifics are unlikely to be helpful. I pray that you might find someone with whom you can speak face to face and heart to heart who will encourage you in this difficult ordeal and give you some good advice. A kind smile and a hand to hold will do more for you than these words of mine.
Do keep visiting us here as it's one way of, if nothing else, distracting yourself from what's going on around you. As we get to know you a little better, maybe someone will have some insight to offer. Certainly you will find people to pray for you.
Jill
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"The alternative to obedience is to turn the conversation into a cacophony of Christians making it up as they go along." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 02:45 pm |
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Thanks JillD!!!!
I really cannot understand how 120 view this topic yet only 3 or 4 will respond. Would have thought a couple more folks would have some good advice for me. Maybe not. Maybe some will still chime in. Hope so. Could really use some Godly insight.
Yes, Jill I do have a couple people in my life which lift me up, pray for me, and that I can share with intimately, thank the Lord. They are relatives though, good, but not an objective opinion. I thought it might be helpful to get some objective advice from someone who doesn't know me. Just tossing out their thoughts.
Really appreciate the couple who have responded. Thanks so much. Thanks for all the good suggestions you and your hubby put together Jill. Really appreciate it. But financial planning would make no difference. We don't even have enough money to keep on a budget, plan for retirement, even think of our children's college one day, etc. We live on a shoestring presently, paycheck to paycheck. We live in too expensive a state I think, but my husband does not want to move away. I told him I'm willing to move anywhere. But no dice. So far, we have had to re-finance our home about 5 times, just to get the cash out to live. He is choosing to do this yet again. I know this is not too wise, but it has helped our situation. I do not think, personally, the answer ever lies in the wife and mom "bringing home the bacon" in order to make ends meet. There has got to be another way.
I really need to hear from some wives who can guide me on how to best approach my husband, encourage him, support him without taking on the role of the man. Is there anyone even left today in this world who can offer such advice? Is anyone reading this living their role of a mom, housewife, no matter how hard the road? no matter how little the support from the world? Speak to me. Sure, we live in a different world than we did in the 50's. But I don't think God's Word has changed or ever will change. We don't need to change with the times. We need to be strong through the times in which we live. And have courage.
God Bless~
http://www.fascinatingwomanhood.net/
Last edited on Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 03:02 pm by Connie
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~Connie~
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pam
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| Joined: | Sat Nov 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 110 |
| First Name: | Pam | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Former Non-denominational Bible Church |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 03:26 pm |
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Hi Connie,
I know the lack of response is curious and even somewhat hurtful when you have opened up your heart to us. I think it's because we aren't really sure what to say. I've seen women in your position many times, and it's very hard. There are no easy answers, especially with children still living at home. If it means anything, I totally agree with you about being at home and the stresses that would be on you emotionally if you returned to work. It's hard (impossible) to let all the things go that mean the most to you, just to bring in money. From my own perspective, going to Europe for a year might be helpful to clear the air and give your husband time to get his life and priorities sorted out, except for one huge issue--leaving your children. If you could take them with you, it might be different.
I hope you will continue to talk to your priest and any other counselor-type people he might direct you to. What helps me is to spend time praying in Adoration. Take your time before making any huge decision. I agree with others who have said it's unlikely your husband will leave you, but it's the constant pressure he is putting on you that's the big problem.
I'm really sorry I can't say something more helpful. A difficult marriage is painful and overwhelming. Remain in prayer and wait for God's leading. You never know how He may be using this time in your life for His purposes and your good.
Pam
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 03:32 pm |
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Thank you dear Pam for your words.
Yes, adoration is marvelous! As were the Pope's messages I watched and heard yesterday on EWTN. As was the Scripture readings yesterday from the book of Sirach. Growing up a Protestant, I had no idea of these beautiful books, and what wisdom they hold. I pray I might truly humble myself in front of the Lord. This is the only way, He will speak to us all.
Thanks for writing Pam. You're a dear.
May God bless you today for reaching out to your sister, me!!!
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~Connie~
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BodRod
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 |
| Location: | Apple Valley, California USA |
| Posts: | 720 |
| First Name: | Cliff | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Raised an SDA, then Generic Christian, finally at home with ... |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 03:46 pm |
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pam wrote: I think it's because we aren't really sure what to say.
Also, it is possible that some of us have something to say but don't want to risk adding to your pain ......... me for instance. I don't think he has given the real reason for his threatening comments. In retrospect, my wife made similar comments when I was accepted into the Church. After watching her and listening to her comments for awhile, I decided that the real problem was fear. She was afraid of what her siblings would say about my being a Catholic. She was afraid of the strife and possible future persecution she might have to endure (based on the garbage we and her siblings were both taught when we were growing up), and the uncertainty of not knowing the future from a new and different train of thinking.
Hang in there!!!
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Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 05:29 pm |
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Greetings BodRod:
I'd very much like to hear the reasons and emotions you mention when you came "home" into the church, and your wife's feelings of *fear* as you say. Perhaps this is something in common we have, regardless of our ages. Perhaps. But isn't it wonderful how in Christ, there is no age difference? We are all one. This is just beyond belief to me anyway!!!! And do not worry, our pain is our pain, as you know. Advice is appreciated all the same.
I do feel this most definately, this is *fear* my husband does have, mostly, of not being able to be an adequate provider. As his loving wife, I have told him time and time again trying to reassure him of how much I love him. Sometimes it makes no avail though, if a person does not believe it themselves in their heart, if you know what I mean. And does not believe in their heart who they are in Christ.
Last night our family watched the new DVD "Rocky Balboa". The scene with Rocky and his son was priceless. Rocky told him, "it's not how you hit, it's how much you are hit, and keep moving forward".........this scene exactly is how it is with me and my husband. Rocky said, stop blaming everyone else for your problem, on your inability to get your life together, as if it's "his or her problem for the reason where you are at". Watch this film! It was so very good. I looked at my dear husband during this scene. I could see his eyes welling up with tears upon Rocky's words to his son. This exactly applies to him in our case. Rocky's son reminds me so much of my dear husband.
Sometimes love must be tough. But, friends it's oh such a thin line between. Often times, many times, causing one to not know what to do.
God Bless all and thanks everyone for even reading my post.
God Bless you RodBod, grandpa!!! Glory to you and your marvelous legacy!!!Praise God!! You are blessed for sure! Don't ever forget all you have done for your children, and still all you do now!
Last edited on Tue Sep 4th, 2007 01:16 pm by Connie
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~Connie~
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Darlene
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
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| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 05:39 pm |
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Dear Connie,
In reading your post, it reminds me of a bee in a hornet's nest. I don't say this to hurt you. Just that your situation has depths and depths of problems.
I sense you have resentment, deep resentment toward your husband. I suspect he has the same for you. This resentment may be understandable on your part, and perhaps on his as well. From what you have entrusted to us thus far, it seems evident that the real problem is not lack of finances, or even your health problems, but your marriage.
You are having health issues because of your marriage. You do not feel you can work because of the health issues which stem from the stress of your marriage. If you were assured of your husband's love for you, that you had his support and empathy, then both of you could face any challenge together. A good, successful marriage is not one without problems, difficulties, disappointments, or disagreements. Rather, it is one that has faced all of these challenges with a committment to each other FOR LIFE. If the couple has an abiding faith in Christ, this helps both to persevere through trials all the more. It seems your marriage is lacking in this regard.
From the description you have given thus far, I imagine you are at one end of the house and he the other, figuratively speaking. Unless your marriage improves, and the issues that have caused such a deep void and separation between the two of you are brought out in the open and addressed with the intention of joining together to change matters, things will continue status quo. And you will continue to be stressed and unhappy, plunging deeper into hopelessness.
Here are some questions that may be of value to ask yourself. Do you love your husband enough to salvage this marriage? Does your husband love you enough to salvage this marriage? How deeply is the condition of your marriage effecting your children? How much do the both of them need you to be with them right now? Are you strong enough to be there for your children to give them strenth and confidence and help them through the challenges they face? Or are you so worn out that you are the one who despearately needs help right now? Do you remember a time in your marriage when the two of you were so in love that nothing else mattered? If so, what happened along the way and what can be done to bring the two of you to that place again?
Please do not be offended by what I have said to you, sister in Christ. If you need to get more personal, feel free to PM me. BTW, did you ever hear of a woman named Elizabeth Leseur? She was a Catholic who lived her faith till her death, with a husband who was very ungodly. He made her life miserable at times. After her death, her husband read her diary and was struck by her deep and abiding faith in Christ and His Church. He was so deeply moved that he committed his life to Christ and became a priest.
May God bless you with an everlasting peace and may you feel Jesus presence in a special way today.
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 05:54 pm |
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Dear Darlene, sister in Christ:
Thank you. No I am not offended by anything you said. Rather, I thank you.
You are right, we are at so opposing ends of the spectrum presently. I feel and am so alone in my marriage Darlene. All the more my Lord humbles me, and my Church lifts me up every day.
Yes, I have heard of our sister in Christ and Saint Elizabeth LaSeaur. I just thought of her just last night, and want to find out more about her book she wrote, praying for our husbands. I must buy it!!!!
Thanks for the reminder of just this, and for praying for me today. I appreciate your prayers so very much.
____________________
~Connie~
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CajunRick
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 06:10 pm |
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Connie wrote: I really cannot understand how 120 view this topic yet only 3 or 4 will respond.
First of all, most of our members do not post. We get more than 10,000 visits a month from people who have never even registered, and if you look at the posting totals in the member list, most registered members have only posted a few times.
Secondly, among those who do post, many of us simply don't feel qualified to answer your question. I'm sorry, but I don't feel that I have any advice to give you. I think the value of a "stay-at-home" mom was last placed at around $140,000 a year, but of course that only includes replacing the services she performs. Your husband has already discounted that by indicating that he doesn't believe you do anything. My wife was able to spend some years as a stay-at-home mom and homemaker, and I spent some time as a stay-at-home dad and husband.
Psychologists say that sex and money issues are often the things that break a marriage apart, and yet they are seldom the real issue. It usually runs much deeper than that, and surfaces during discussions of sex and money because those are the two issues that a married couple can't avoid.
So I don't have an answer for you or any real advice. Sorry.
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Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. - Augustine
Rick Luquette
Luquette Lane
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Connie
User on Probation
| Joined: | Fri Jun 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Connie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic Convert from Presbyterian, then Episcopalian |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 06:33 pm |
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Quoted by Cajun Rick:
"First of all, most of our members do not post."
Why is this? Why do you think then, so many Catholics, including myself find help in other forums? Why then do you think as well, so many Catholics are being lead away to other churches too? Other denominations? This is a sad and pitiful fact as you say Cajun Rick. We Catholics must just step up to the plate I believe! We must have a say. We must get involved. We must step out, dare to risk, dare to have say!!! Yes Lord!
How I wish all members would post!!!
But thanks for letting me know Rick all the same.
God Bless You
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~Connie~
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kimdyuma
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Arizona USA |
| Posts: | 710 |
| First Name: | Kim | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | cradle Anglican, Episcopal /Catholic-04/07/07 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 09:05 pm |
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| WOW RICK- my value as a stay at home mom is way way way more than we even make!! That made my day since I too have faced the emotional blackmail of society thinking that I "threw away my nursing degree" to stay with my kids. I have always worked the odd shift ( or more when we needed me to) but in those cases it was always when DH was home to take care of kids. In our case one of us needed to be a full time therapist to our son with autism as well as taking him to therapy on a daily basis in his younger years. There is no way both of us could have worked and still been able to manage our son's therapy. Too be honest I was often so emotionally wiped out taking care of him that I didn't have the energy to work. I do agree with many of our posters that there are deeper issues involved in your family and even some of the comments your children have made about you working or not point out that the whole family might benefit from counseling. As for a lot of people on these forums not posting- for one thing this is not primarily a Catholic site for Catholics but a site to help those on the path to Cat holism deal with those issues- I would bet that the majority of people that monitor this site are either non Catholics exploring on the QT, new Catholics struggling to adjust or Catholics helping us out!
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Adopt from your local Humane Society- Please spay or neuter your pets
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BodRod
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 |
| Location: | Apple Valley, California USA |
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| First Name: | Cliff | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Raised an SDA, then Generic Christian, finally at home with ... |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 09:07 pm |
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CajunRick wrote: .
I think the value of a "stay-at-home" mom was last placed at around $140,000 a year, but of course that only includes replacing the services she performs.
By a left-wing libber???
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Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
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Racaela Fultz
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| Joined: | Sat Aug 4th, 2007 |
| Location: | Indiana USA |
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| First Name: | Racaela | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Nondenominational, will be Catholic Advent 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 10:03 pm |
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I really don't have advice for you, Connie. I am only twenty and have never been married. My parents marriage, though it has had its rough spots, is solid and intact, never having had the stress yours has today. I can't imagine how hard your situation is. Just keep on keeping on, doing the best you can, humbly, for God, and somehow he will work it out. And the most I can say is that I will be praying and asking the saints to pray for you as well.
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"To be deep in history is to cease to be protestant" - Cardinal Newman
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beachmoss
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Simpsonville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 270 |
| First Name: | Beth | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic (raised Baptist) |
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Posted: Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 11:50 pm |
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Connie,
I can't offer you much advice, but I can offer you my prayers.
I am a stay-at-home mom. My mother was--so that was the example I always had. My husband has never had a problem with it, or he hasn't expressed any problems with it. He knows how important it is for me to be here for our kids. I admit that I am a horrible housekeeper! Our house is a wreck, but it doesn't really matter to me or him. I do a lot of volunteer work at my kids' schools and with the Scouts. So I'm never home to keep the house neat.
I can relate to financial woes--we are drowning in credit card debt now, and add to that some really STUPID things my husband has done financially in the past two years. Some days I honestly wish I could collect his life insurance policy and be relieved of all my problems. But then I have days when I almost like him again.
I guess I can't complain too much. He does try hard to be a good husband and father. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a clue what that entails.
You asked in your first post if it was his job to figure out the finances. I would say that whomever is best at it should do it. For the first 7 years or so of our marriage I handled the checkbook. He was in the Navy and often gone so it made since for me to do it. Well, when he went on shore duty I had had enough of juggling bills so I let him do it. Then we tried what my grandparents did--split the bills and use two accounts. He is worse than I am with accounting! I suspect, but I'm not sure, that things have really gone downhill since I handed the job to him. I get stressed about it, but not quite as much as I did when I was actually doing the bookwork.
I hope I didn't ramble too incoherently! I guess to summarize--I feel some of your pain.
Beth
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Daffodil
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