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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 349 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 05:27 pm |
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As usual, everything that happens in my life boils down to a sex question, so please help me with this.
Most of you know thw changes my "love life" has undergone, as I have accepted the beautiful teachings of my church, and you know the trials these changes have caused my marriage.
Before my surgery, I told my husband that I would not "be with him" for the duration of my treatment, which at the time, was apx. 5 weeks. He suggested "protection", which I denied.
My reasoning is this: Since I am adamantly pro-life, not only on a religious level but also very personally, and my husband is not, he still contracepts. I have tried to time our "moments" to be at least during a time of possibility, in order to be as open to life as possible. Now that I can not be open to life either, something that makes me profoundly sad, I didn't want to engage in any relations, knowing that he would still be contracepting and knowing that I had the same need to prevent new life - because of medication side affects. It is bad enought that my husband contracepts, and I did not want to "benefit" from such a sin.
Anyway, now that I know it will be almost a year of treatment, plus two years reccommended waiting time, I know my husband will never wait that long. So, I will have to occasionally share myself with him. I am planning on being very sever and limited with my timing, yet am terribly afraid of a surprise pregnancy in which I will cause great damage to my child. After all, Mary Erin was an NFP surprise. And while I am thankful for her and would have given anything for another surprise UP TO THIS POINT, I could not bear it now.
Would this be a situation where I could personally add my own contraception, provided I was timing myself to infertile times already? I'm guessing the answer is no, but thought I would ask anyway. If I had my way, I would stay celibate until such time as I could be open to life, again. Even NFP goes against my heart, but I do not have that choice.
Love, Laura
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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JillD
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Visalia, California USA |
| Posts: | 678 |
| First Name: | Jill | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | heathen, EvFree, Messianic, LC-MS, Catholic 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 06:58 pm |
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Wouldn't it be great if guys would "get it"? I just read most of a really good book called "Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching" by Christopher West. It pulls no punches. Sex is an act of giving, not of servicing. Loving is the opposite of using. My dd read it and put it in the hands of -her very-likely-could-be-husband-someday boyfriend. Unfortunately, he's not a reader. It should be required reading for every engaged and married couple.
You deserve to be able to guard your health and not risk creating a new life in a somewhat 'toxic' environment right now. If that means two or three years of celibacy, well, that's just the way it is - - - seems to me.
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"I praise you, for I am wondrously made. Wonderful are our works! You know me right well; my frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth." Psalm 139
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David W. Emery
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1792 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 07:59 pm |
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If I had my way, I would stay celibate until such time as I could be open to life, again.
Just tell him the truth: you’re sick, and until you’re well it’s more than you can handle. If they put you on chemotherapy, you will definitely agree.
David
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Ali
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 660 |
| First Name: | Ali | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | JW, finally fully Catholic |
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Posted: Fri Jul 13th, 2007 08:39 pm |
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I'm so sorry, Laura  Perhaps you could suggest other ways to "be with him" other than intercourse? All my best to you as you travel this.
Ali
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Sat Jul 14th, 2007 09:43 am |
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Laura,
Has your doctor said that having sexual relations with your husband would be a risk to you in any way? If so, I can definitely understand not wanting to risk your health in this manner. In this case, you should tell your husband what the doctor has said. If he still wants to have sex, then that is wrong and selfish. On the other hand, is refraining from sex something that you feel you want to or must do and the doctor really hasn't cautioned you against it? In other words, is it just your personal preference not to have sex? If so, then I think you need to consider your husband's needs. Otherwise, continually refusing him on the basis that you don't want to or feel like it, will put him in a vulnerable situation and it will be much harder for him to resist sexual immorality.
I will remind you of what Paul the Apostle said in I Corinthians: "It is well for a man not to touch a woman. But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control." verses 1-5.
Notice, Laura, what St. Paul said in verse 5, "lest Satan tempt you." Unless you and your husband have agreed to refrain from sexual relations, and unless it is a risk to your health, to refuse your spouse is subjecting him/her to the temptation to sin. One of the purposes of marriage is to have sexual relations. I will ask this very seriously. Do you want your husband to be tempted to sin because you don't want to or feel like having sexual relations? Now I can understand, Laura, if, as I said, it is truly a risk to your health and the doctor has made this clear. Then you can just disregard my question. Otherwise, consider my question. Many spouses, by refusing their mates, through lack of interest, anger, resentment, dislike for sex, you name it (the reasons are many) have put their spouses in a vulnerable situation, which has resulted in sexual unfaithfulness and immorality.
Please pray to the Holy Spirit and ask your Confessor and others who personally know you (who are walking a close walk with Jesus) what they think. Please, Laura, consider your husband in this time as well. I know that is difficult. And pray for him that the Lord makes him open to the Catholic faith.
God bless you,
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 349 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Sat Jul 14th, 2007 03:59 pm |
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Hi all-
Thank you for answering. I am considering your responses and questions and having a hard time formulating my thoughts with words.
I do know that I am devastated that this cancer is just one more reason I will not be able to have another child. That is actually the worst part about having cancer, as far as I am concerned. Many are telling me it's a good thing I don't have a one year old, now that I am struggling with my health, but I swear, I just don't get how it's ever better to have lost your child than had it.
I broke down this morning and told my husband that I was so sad about it. I told him I just wanted one more child and kept hoping he would change his mind, and now, even if he did, it was too late, because by the time I would even be able to try, I will be even older and more prone to miscarriage or in menopause. Did you know cancer treatment could even bring it on? Anyway, he is sorry I am sad and sorry I will be mad at him for the rest of our lives, and now we are "quiet with each other". I guess, what else is there to say, after that.
Anyway, I simply don't want to have sex that is not open to life. At all. Especially when I want to be and can't, and my husband isn't ever. But I will, for the very reasons posted by Darlene. It just is empty, to me.
Love, Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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Credo Catholic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1268 |
| First Name: | Marsha | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Catholic |
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Posted: Sat Jul 14th, 2007 06:13 pm |
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| Dear Laura, I'm not sure I have any business advising you because I haven't been through any of what you're experiencing and if I say anything out of order don't hesitate to tell me. It seems that you and your husband should sit down together with your doctor to discuss the dangers, if any, to you or a possible pregnancy. Chemo is probably not the best thing to have in your body along with a baby. But I don't know, the doctor can tell you and your husband, so he can hear what is important for him to know too. I think you are sick right now, probably very tired, you have a lot on your mind, and issues with your husband. None of this is very conducive to a good sexual relationship. And your husband may need to hear this from someone other than you. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers. God bless
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Ali
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 660 |
| First Name: | Ali | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | JW, finally fully Catholic |
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Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2007 07:22 am |
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Truthseeker wrote: Many are telling me it's a good thing I don't have a one year old, now that I am struggling with my health, but I swear, I just don't get how it's ever better to have lost your child than had it.
{{{{Laura}}}} That is quite possibly one of the most horrible things I have heard in a long time. Of course it's not better to have lost your child, those are stupid, ignorant comments. Please do not dwell on them.
{{{more huge hugs}}}
Ali
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2007 09:30 am |
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Laura,
You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. Our Lord said, "Let the days own trouble be sufficient for the day." Don't let too much pile up on your shoulders.
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 349 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Sun Jul 15th, 2007 04:12 pm |
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Thanks everyone. My life never seems to be easy. I appreciate all you've said.
Love, Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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