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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 04:55 pm |
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HI all-
How do I teach my kids morals and ethics rooted in Christ, when they are being undermined by my husband? I mean, obviously, I do try to teach them, but sometimes I get advice here like, "Discuss what you expect and tell WWJD, and set standards". Which is all good advice.
My problem is this-
I tell my kids not to lie, but my husband lies about anything for any reason. I tell my kids not to drink, but my husband drinks almost every day and tells them things like, "It's good this bottle is small, because then it regulates how much you can drink" and then drinks the whole bottle in one night - it either makes him play like a ten year old or strange, cranky, arguey, blamey. I tell my kids to love God and come to church, and my husband ridicules my faith and my 'holier than thou-ness", and my pedophilic church. I moniter my kids' tv to minimalize their exposure to language, sex, violence, but my husband curses in front of and to the kids, and thinks I moniter tv too much, so lets them watch stuff I don't approve of. He laughs at sexual innuendos that I don't even want the kids to hear. I try to teach them respect and consideration in a house where parents argue and husbands are sometimes verbally cruel to wives.
And, I've just made my husband sound like the most horrible person out there, and he's not. He's your average nice guy that anyone would like.
But, my children aren't getting a good example of what to expect from a husband and father for their kids, and they're not getting a good example of how they as wives should be treated, and they're not getting a good example of how they should react, respond, and behave as Christian, moral people.
Train them up in the way and when they are grown they will not depart from it. Yeah, I'm Catholic, and that's as close as I can get to the actual verse. But, my training isn't going that well. With my oldest, trying to explain God's view on anything automatically negates the point I'm trying to make. My younger ones are still accepting, but I just don't know if my hopefully Christian influence will be stronger than my husband's non- Christian (and seemingly funner at times) influence, especially, since my Christianity seems to be the main reason for most of our conflict.
Anyone in this situation?
Thanks,
Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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Ali
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 667 |
| First Name: | Ali | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | JW, finally fully Catholic |
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 06:08 pm |
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He may be your average nice guy anyone would like, but all abusers seem that way to outsiders. You have a bigger problem than training up your children. You have a husband who disrepsects you at every turn and undermines you in front of your children. Hopefully in your dh they will see what to not do instead of what to do. Ultimately, though, we can only do the best we can with what we have been given, and then it's up to our kids to carry on from there.
{{{hugs}}} It sounds like a difficult situation.
Ali
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mrsbmoo
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 344 |
| First Name: | Becky | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | former Methodist. RCA, Presbyterian, Holiness, Wesleyan... Catholic as of June ... |
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 06:54 pm |
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Your husband sounds like my ex, except for the drinking. I found it helpful to begin many discussions with "You know your Dad and I disagree about this but...." and then I explain what I believe and why it makes sense. I believe all morality is based on doing what is in your best interest in the long run. Most people resond to self-interest. I also enforce my beliefs in my presence. "But Dad lets us".. doesn't cut it because I answer, "well, you are with me(or in my presence) right now and I won't allow it" My ex has tried desparately to talk the kids out of being Catholic but as they get older what he says has less and less credibility because they see it doesn't work for him. He is always struggling financially and not very happy, and frequently careless with their feelings. I suspect that eventually your kids will figure out that what Dad believes doesn't satisfy, but it may take a while. I know with your daughter she seems determined to try it all and you can only hope she figures it out before she completely self-destructs. Probably Father Corapi's mom felt the same way you do.
As to Ali's comment about abusive husband's seeming like the average nice guy to outsiders..I could't agree more. My ex was verbally abusive and on rare occasion physically abusive. To anyone who meets him on the street, he is a easy-going, friendly, fun guy but trust me(as someone who has been there), average men don't act like this! I stayed for 11.5 years believing all men were like that. In spite of my tolerating his angry verbal tirades and harsh criticism, paying most of the bills for the last 4 years, and expecting nothing from him, he ended up leaving me for a younger woman. You know what you can put up with from your husband and I would never tell you that you should leave him but please don't ever think you brought any of his bad behavior on yourself. It is his issue not yours.
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Becky
Wife of Michael(called Moo) and stay at home mom to 5 daughters between 13 months and 17
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left coast mystic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 10th, 2008 |
| Location: | La Honda, California USA |
| Posts: | 167 |
| First Name: | Marcee | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | nondenominational charismatic, Presbyterian, long-time lover of the RCC |
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 06:59 pm |
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Laura -
My heart and prayers go out to you. One thing I'm sure of - if you entrust your situation to God, He will bring life out of the ashes. What might seem impossible to you - that your children would become lovers of God in spite of your husband's influence - is something that the Holy Spirit can influence in ways that we can't imagine.
I would also urge you to consider how your perception of your husband might be getting in the way of your witness to your children. I have seen and personally experienced the amazing changes that can take place between a husband and a wife when the wife focuses her attention on honoring her husband first. It's way too easy for moms to give their desire and focus to their children, and husbands often react badly by resisting the way their wives are influencing their kids. It's a childish reaction but an unconscious one, and many men are not self-aware enough to see that they're doing it. So the antidote is often as simple as honoring your husband first, especially in front of your children.
I hope this isn't taken as a judgement on you, because I know how extremely difficult your position is. I'm merely describing what I found to be transformative in my own struggles in the same area.
Marcee
____________________
Godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Tim. 6:6)
In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength. (Isa. 30:15)
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 07:15 pm |
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Thank you both-
I know that my husband's behavior is due to his own brokeness, so I try to be patieint. I also realize that I am the one who so drastically changed things, when the Lord stole my heart away. I don't think my husband realizes (or can admit) that his behavior is "incorrect", and I think some of it is just to make sure I am not controlling him - like me "forcing" him to stop cursing with the kids. The "S" word and "F" word are blurted at my house every day.
I have recently begun to say things like, "You know that husbands shouldn't say that to their wives, don't you?", and "You should make sure your loved one respects you, before you get married". Because, I want them not to marry a man who makes them feel bad. At the same time, I am then talking bad about their father to them. And, isn't that damaging, as well?
I don't believe in divorce, don't believe tearing their family apart will help my kids in any way, and would truly like to become friends with my husband again (which is happening, slowly), and then maybe be able to trust him with my heart, again.
We've been getting along better, but my oldest has said it's because I have been "better", meaning I have returned to having more patience with the situation, and so there's less arguing. I don't know if that's better or worse, but at least more peaceful, which must be better?
And, to be honest, I have seen the effort my husband is making to be kinder to me (most of the time, and the slip ups usually come when he's drinking, which unfortunately, is often).
I just wish I could give my kids emotional stability and security. So much is affected by that.
Love, Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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left coast mystic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 10th, 2008 |
| Location: | La Honda, California USA |
| Posts: | 167 |
| First Name: | Marcee | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | nondenominational charismatic, Presbyterian, long-time lover of the RCC |
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Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 07:40 pm |
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Laura -
You ARE giving your kids emotional stability and security, even if it doesn't seem like that to you. They can feel the solidity that you received when you committed your ways to God, and that solidity continues to grow as you continue to turn to Him. As Becky said, they can see the difference between your solidity and your husband's lack of it, without anything being pointed out to them ("preach the gospel; if necessary, use words").
Do everything you can to build on the increased kindness your husband is showing - thank him for small gestures of kindness, tell the kids in front of him how much you appreciate specific ways in which he shows you kindness and supports you. That's much more powerful, both for them and for him, than the negative approach of "this isn't the way a husband should treat his wife". Even if his good acts are rare, store them up as treasure in your heart and tell of those incidents often.
I work with people all the time who exhibit the kind of defensive, vindictive and self-destructive behavior that your husband is showing. I rely on a single tool to change the relational equation, and it has worked unfailingly. People feel safer when they experience positive comments, and that sense of safety is what allows them to open up some of their more vulnerable and wounded areas to the person who is creating the safe environment. No matter how self-defensive a person is, and no matter how bad his or her behavior is in my presence, just by showing empathy and by doing all I can to show that I honor that person (because God loves them), they back off from their "fight or flight"mode. It's truly transformed relationships more times than I can count!
Marcee
____________________
Godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Tim. 6:6)
In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength. (Isa. 30:15)
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Fri Sep 5th, 2008 12:12 am |
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Thank you Marcee-
Yes, I have made a point to tell my children when their dad has been "nice". I want them to see that 1- He is, 2- I notice it, 3- It strengthens us.
We have had a very difficult couple years, and he has hurt me emotionally very terribly, which caused me to retreat into my pain, which hurt him emotionally. So, there is a lot of healing still to do. I just wish he were a good role model. Someone my kids and I could be proud of and look up to.
Love, Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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left coast mystic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 10th, 2008 |
| Location: | La Honda, California USA |
| Posts: | 167 |
| First Name: | Marcee | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | nondenominational charismatic, Presbyterian, long-time lover of the RCC |
| Status: |
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Posted: Fri Sep 5th, 2008 12:47 am |
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Laura -
"In quietness and in trust shall be your strength" (Isa. 30:15). You are being upheld continually in prayer, and God will prevail in this.
How did your surgery go?
Marcee
____________________
Godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Tim. 6:6)
In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength. (Isa. 30:15)
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
| Status: |
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Posted: Fri Sep 5th, 2008 04:11 pm |
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Hi Marcee-
Surgery went fine. I posted about it somewhere in the general forum. I am healing once again, out of work for at least two more weeks, and planning another surgery for next summer. That will be #5. I am in the "sore" stage of healing.
Love, Laura
PS - The passion was on last night. I think I am going to ask my husband to watch it with me, as my Christmas present. He adamantly refuses, so far, but I am hoping he will see how much Christ loves him, in the movie.
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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