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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 02:40 pm |
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14 almost 15.
My oldest has started doing the wrong things with a best friend. Ditching school, running off in anger. Just recently, I allowed her to spend the night at a friend's house (differnent friend), only to have her meet up with best friend to go to an all night "gathering" with other friends.
Best friend told her mom that my daughter was drinking and that she walked in to find daughter in bed with a boy, very close to having sex (Dear God, I hope she walked in before and not after). Daughter says she didn't drink anything and kissed with a guy, but nothing more. She didn't seem like she had been drinking when she got home at 7:00 the next morning, but who can beleive anything she says?
Anyway, my question is this-
I don't believe in birth control and will not put her on the pill. I don't want to tell her to use condoms, because, as has been pointed out on this forum, telling children to wait but giving them condoms just says we believe they can't make the right choice.
BUT MY DAUGHTER IS ALREADY NOT MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES!!!!!
If I think she's having sex, or may soon, shouldn't I talk to her about condome use as a form of protection against disease? If I did that, and contraception was a secondary consequence of keeping her "safe", would that make the contraception aspect not a mortal sin? I don't want my child to get AIDS, hpv, or some other STD - which could eventually kill her. Truthfully, even an unplanned pregnancy in my young daughter is not something I am distressed about (not that I actively want that, just that God giving life is never abhorrent to me), but I am distressed about her safety, so my issue is really just about STDs.
Of course, I have told her that she is special and worthy of having sex with a husband who loves her and not being a play toy. She hates religion, so I can't use God's love or Jesus' words to convince her of anything.
I'm sure the utter collapse of my marriage is an issue, as she is constantly telling me I'm going to get a divorce, even if I wait till she's in college. I don't know how to reassure her on that one, because I can't speak for husband. And, we don't have happy, blissful family time to erase her fears. And the more I shield her from best friend and questionable circumstances, the more she rebels.
Help, help, help!
Placing my trust in the one who holds my daughter, Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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Ruthie
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Houston, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 99 |
| First Name: | Ruthie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | nominal Presbyterian, aetheist, evangelical Christian/Episcopalian, Catholic |
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 04:31 pm |
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Laura,
You certainly are going through difficult times!
About your daughter. She sounds so angry and rebellious. Maybe she is reflecting Dad's moods and manners? I don't know, but kids imitate what they see in the home. If there is strife, they get upset and do crazy things.
I had terrible times with my daughter when she was that age. I just tried to be consistent and loving, trying to teach her the right way as best I could in a home with an alcoholic and volatile husband and father who sometimes had his good side but sometimes was horrid. I prayed a lot. Today she is 35, married, with a 2-year-old and one on the way next month. She is a wonderful, conscientious, Christian wife and mother (and daughter). But when she was 15, I never could have predicted that. So there is always hope.
In Proverbs it says we should "Train a child up in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:8) It sounds like you are trying your best to do that. Keep on trying. Entrust her to God. Pray novenas. Ask Mary and other saints to pray for her. Ask her guardian angel to esp. watch over her with all the help he can get. Teach her lovingly and pray.
You might like to go to http://www.pamstenzel.com If you haven't heard of her, she is a straight-talking motivational speaker to kids on the issues of sex and abstinence and more. She's been on EWTN for interviews sometimes. She has a religious presentation and a non-religious presentation. Check it out. I have her latest DVD "Sex Still Has a Price Tag" which I think is excellent. If you think you could get your daughter to watch it, you might give it a try.
I will pray mightily for you and your daughter.
Ruthie
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Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it. (NRSV, Luke 18:17)
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 05:24 pm |
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Thank you Ruthie.
I do trust God with her, yet am so concerned for her self worth. The farther you fall the lower you feel and the farther you think you should fall. I don't want that for her. She is still mostly a good kid, especially when she's not with best friend so much.
Thanks
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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JillD
Member
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Visalia, California USA |
| Posts: | 949 |
| First Name: | Jill | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | heathen, EvFree, Messianic, LC-MS, Catholic 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 06:55 pm |
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If anyone has had a 14-17 year old daughter who did not drive them to near insanity, count your blessings! They are too big to spank, too independent to care what restrictions you place on them, and too foolish to see any sort of big picture. It can be SO frustrating as there seems to be no leverage.
Of course, pray.
Keep stating the truth, over and over and over about STD's and their effect on her future, her health, her husband, her children.
I have a niece whose situation is so bad that I don't know why her parents don't leave the area - move away. It's the only way to separate her from the friends she has who all feed off one another and are circling the drain....
Lastly, when you've done all you could do, realize that she is in God's hands and that her decisions are not your fault. It's so painful to watch, but don't let undeserved guilt ruin your life, too.
I have a 16 yo dd and a completely different problem. The above are my only words of advice....
Jill
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"I praise you, for I am wondrously made. Wonderful are our works! My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret." Ps 139
"Guard me, O Lord, from the hands of the wicked; preserve me from violent men." Ps 140
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 06:59 pm |
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| Thank you Jill!
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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Juan
Member
| Joined: | Tue Oct 17th, 2006 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
| Posts: | 247 |
| First Name: | unregister | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | unregister |
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 08:32 pm |
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Hi Laura,
Things look bleak. Keep praying.
Ok, lets look at this logically. I can't believe that your husband approves of this situation? Have you asked him to counsel her. Being that they seem to have the same outlook, it might be better if you stick to prayer and let him handle this situation at this point.
In case you find your daughter in a mood to listen one day, you might want to prepare yourself by thoroughly understanding the Theology of the Body. I recommend reading the popular version by Christopher West "the good news about sex and marriage." You can move up to more scholarly books after. But this is a great introduction.
http://www.christopherwest.com/item.asp?CategoryID=8
My oldest has started doing the wrong things with a best friend. Ditching school, running off in anger. Just recently, I allowed her to spend the night at a friend's house (differnent friend), only to have her meet up with best friend to go to an all night "gathering" with other friends.
Best friend told her mom that my daughter was drinking and that she walked in to find daughter in bed with a boy, very close to having sex (Dear God, I hope she walked in before and not after). Daughter says she didn't drink anything and kissed with a guy, but nothing more. She didn't seem like she had been drinking when she got home at 7:00 the next morning, but who can beleive anything she says?
Anyway, my question is this-
I don't believe in birth control and will not put her on the pill. I don't want to tell her to use condoms, because, as has been pointed out on this forum, telling children to wait but giving them condoms just says we believe they can't make the right choice.
BUT MY DAUGHTER IS ALREADY NOT MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES!!!!!
If I think she's having sex, or may soon, shouldn't I talk to her about condome use as a form of protection against disease?
No. You would be committing a sin. But you can rest assured that if she is already at this stage, someone has already counseled her in this respect. In addition, if you ask your husband to deal with this situation he will probably also counsel this.
If I did that, and contraception was a secondary consequence of keeping her "safe", would that make the contraception aspect not a mortal sin?
Sex outside of marriage is one mortal sin.
Contracepting a life is another mortal sin.
Sex outside of marriage is essentially the act of marriage without God's consent. However, one can correct this error by than marrying the one to whom one has joined their flesh.
Contracepting a life can't be corrected. I'm not saying that God won't forgive the sin if one repents.
I don't want my child to get AIDS, hpv, or some other STD - which could eventually kill her.
I don't mean to heighten your fears but from what I've heard, condoms don't prevent these diseases anyway.
And I hope this is comforting and not disturbing, but sometimes God uses these punishments to save people's souls.
Truthfully, even an unplanned pregnancy in my young daughter is not something I am distressed about (not that I actively want that, just that God giving life is never abhorrent to me), but I am distressed about her safety, so my issue is really just about STDs.
Read this:
As sexually active young people today, you may wonder, are you really safe? The answer is: probably not. Putting aside all the rhetoric that comes from the groups that preach abstinence only, not based on science or psychology, but on fear and threats of hell, there is a great deal of disturbing research by reputable organizations that suggest there has not been nearly enough scientific study on the reliability of condoms to protect against STDs. As little accurate research as there is about STDs and condoms, there is far less about women, STDs, and condoms. I guess disease, or maybe just science, can be sexist. Even scarier, studies suggest that young people today do not practice proper condom use....
http://www.fnewsmagazine.com/2005-feb/current/pages/5.shtml
Note carefully that this is not a religious organization.
Of course, I have told her that she is special and worthy of having sex with a husband who loves her and not being a play toy. She hates religion, so I can't use God's love or Jesus' words to convince her of anything.
But union with a spouse for life and everlasting love is every young person's dream. It is the natural law written in our hearts. I truly believe reading that book by Christopher West might help you get the message across.
http://www.christopherwest.com/article4.asp
I'm sure the utter collapse of my marriage is an issue, as she is constantly telling me I'm going to get a divorce, even if I wait till she's in college. I don't know how to reassure her on that one, because I can't speak for husband. And, we don't have happy, blissful family time to erase her fears. And the more I shield her from best friend and questionable circumstances, the more she rebels.
Help, help, help!
Placing my trust in the one who holds my daughter, Laura
That is the most important thing you can do. Sometimes we have to acknowledge our weakness and our utter uselessness. But be of good cheer. From what you describe, both you and I came from an even worse situation and God saved us.
Keep the faith. Still praying for you and your family,
Sincerely,
Juan
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 09:25 pm |
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Thank you so much, Juan.
Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
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