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New Creation
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| Joined: | Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 61 |
| First Name: | Paula | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | wicca 9 yrs, Anglican 5 yrs, RCIA now! |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 04:21 am |
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Hello all, I am excited and thrilled to have found this place to talk with everyone! I love to read all the stories here and find out more about people. What a fascinating range of humanity! Hoping to add to it!
My story is a bit strange and takes a while to tell. I promise it’s not boring though. I’ll try and be as concise as possible but why don't you grab a coffee before you start?
I was born in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada, in 1968 to English immigrant non-practicing Anglican parents; the first of 3 kids. We did church for about 3 years when I was age 9-12. I attended confirmation class but recall nothing of it. My parents and I were confirmed together and I remember more about the outfit I wore than anything taught to me in the classes. The services, when made to attend, I found painfully boring.
My teen years were tumultuous – depression, low self esteem and cutting my wrists - not to kill myself but to get attention from my parents. Constant collisions with my father and endless attention seeking from boys and men culminated in me getting pregnant and aborting my child at 17. The abortion was a turning point in my life after which I buried myself very deeply in more dangerous habits to cover the self-hatred I felt. I started working as an exotic dancer (which is a nice euphemism for stripper) 3 days after I turned 18 to support myself after I was kicked out of the house over the pregnancy. It was a very lonely time for me.
I did an extreme amount of partying for years after that; traveled the country headlining as a featured stripper, did some men’s magazines, made and spent a lot of money and thought I was living the cosmopolitan successful life. I married at 23 and remember being driven to the church clearly thinking "This is a huge mistake".
I financially supported my husband during the time we were married which we both resented. He and I were professional drunks who spent a lot of time insulting and physically violating each other. Ah bliss.
Around the time I turned 25, I began to have a crisis of identity and spirituality. I became terrified of dying. Certain people I encountered and books they recommended turned my attention to feminism and wicca.
My husband and I separated after the second time he tried to kill me. My subsequent freedom was a great excuse to exercise my born again promiscuity. The years in the stripping business were really taking their toll on my psyche and I grew to hate men with a true passion. I only ever saw the worst side of men and never even imagined there was much else out there in the world. I consciously decided to use men as coldly and callously as I “knew” they wanted to use me, but I would get them before they could ever get me.
I also made feminist activism and wiccan spirituality my full time past-times. I dove into these things (along with alcohol) with everything I had for 7 years. I thought of myself as a smart, tough woman who had to do things on her own and I took pride in the many accomplishments I made in the world of activism. I helped to re-write some Toronto legislation regarding exotic dancers and was the chair of the Board of Directors of a not for profit pro-dancer organization. We tried hard to legitimize and justify our profession.
My personal philosophy was also that Christianity was the core reason for women’s underling position in the world and for the violence and hatred against women. I became consumed with my hatred for men, for all “patriarchal” religions and wallowed in wine, self pity and Ms. Magazine. 
Fast forward 7 years to a little club in Brantford Ontario.... I parked myself at the bar for the night, unwilling to make the rounds for table dances and sat beside a handsome man named Lloyd who was watching the baseball playoffs on tv.
We struck up a conversation and talked with intimate familiarity about everything under the sun for 5 hours. He was the first person to really tell me about Jesus Christ and he did it with such love, truth, passion and respect (even though he was hammered) that I couldn't get it out of my head for days. We spent the night together but he was a gentleman- the first one I’d ever encountered. It was a foreign concept to me. Days later I found myself sitting up in bed at 3 in the morning wondering what the heck had happened.
I wrote to him and he wrote me back. We corresponded by phone for 3 months (we lived on opposite sides of the country...he was only on vacation visiting his mother the night I met him) and we began to fall in love. He answered my many questions about Christ and Christianity. It was such a good thing for me to have had this “relationship” with Lloyd that was only over the phone for 3 months and couldn’t get physical. I didn’t really know of any other way of relating to men other than sexual so it forced me into a new realm. It was a heady experience to get to “know” him and for him to know me.
During this intense time of seeking, I had a profound experience of the Holy Spirit touching me during a Christmas Eve service at the church next to my parents' house. I went alone and cried uncontrollably for 90 minutes. At the end of the service, I heard someone call my name. I turned around to see one of the old managers of a strip club I had worked at standing there with his wife and children weighing a hundred pounds less than the last time I had seen him! It had been TWO years since I had seen him last and it had been at a club hundreds of miles away. What was he doing at this church that night? Divine intervention indeed. He told me that Jesus Christ had turned his life around and it was then that I knew I had to take things seriously. (God knows my penchant for the dramatic.)
One of my main stumbling blocks to Christ was that I was very fearful that being a Christian meant being forever delegated to second place as a woman. I had been very effectively propagandized by the feminist movement; being told over and over about the “patriarchy” and how the Christian machine was there to keep women in their place blah blah blah….
However, I knew- I just KNEW that I was hearing the TRUTH for the first time in my life and I didn't care anymore if I DID have to sit in the back seat. Truth was always the most important thing to me and I had always considered myself a seeker so I took the leap.
I asked Christ to be my Saviour on Jan. 26 2003 and everything changed from there. I must divulge that one of the first things the Spirit revealed to me was that women were as precious to Him as men. My sweet sweet Saviour.
Now Lloyd is a lapsed Catholic who had gone to Catholic grade school but was "saved" as a young adult in a Baptist church. He was hardcore in the church for about a year but fell away to drink and serious partying for over a decade. He always declared Christ Lord however.
I moved in with him and slowly we learned more about our faith. We began to go to an Evangelical Anglican church which was in the middle of breaking away from the Anglican Communion in Canada over the same sex marriage issue.
We both quit drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and eventually, pre-marital sex. I was very eager to please my Lord and see Him clearly. I was so in love with Him and felt His presence so intimately. I had so much healing to do and He took His perfect time doing it, showing me in personal ways how much He loved me.
During this time, and I really can't remember WHY, but it may have been my sweet ignorance about all the denominations and whatnot, I was very interested in both the Catholic church and Messianic Judaism. I felt that the Messianics had the fullness of the faith as they had had Christ's original faith but also knew Christ now. At the same time, the pull of the Catholic church was also very strong. I began to visit a web site called Christian Forums and frequented the Catholic section.
One of the moderators at that site sent me a package in the mail with a book entitled SURPRISED BY TRUTH (testimony time for converted Catholics), a rosary (missing a bead), a book called WHAT CATHOLICS REALLY BELIEVE and a bunch of other literature. I instinctively knew that what I was hearing was the truth but was not ready for it. I was afraid that I would be unable to marry Lloyd because I was still not officially divorced from my husband. I was truly tortured by all that divorce stuff in the Bible...I really was. My Anglican minister (divorced himself) assured me over and over that it was ok though and…
Lloyd and I married in 2005 and had our amazing baby girl Meaghan in 2006. This obviously changed my life more than any other prior event save my conversion. It taught me how truly selfish I am. Nothing makes you have to be more like Christ than having a child, imho.
We settled into our church life and loved our Christian family very much. Lloyd became a warden and I was on several prominent committees. We were “the young family” even though we’re both in our late 30’s. God breathed new life into our church through us.
We were featured on Christian television a few times telling our story of how Christ saved us from our moral degradation. Through this opportunity, I was able to connect with a lot of Christian ex-strippers at that time which was incredible. (There are quite a few of us out there and some inspiring work is being done to reach the lost in the clubs and on the streets.) Christ also helped to heal me of many wounds during this time including the pain and guilt of having aborted my baby almost 2 decades prior. This actually put me on the page with a lot of Catholics and had me looking again in that direction.
The issue of authority and the lack of it sounded loud and clear in our parish and in the Anglican Communion around the world. Our church split from the Anglican Church over the issue of same sex marriage and the interpretation of the bible. It really forced me to think about how many splits there were, why they happened and where the original church was. (We had our church building - which was built and paid for by the local people, a small fishing village-confiscated by the Anglican Church and have spent hundreds of thousands to buy a new piece of land and new building. I feel that we have become preoccupied with this whole process and have forgotten about the widows and the poor.)
Earlier this year I got pregnant again but tragically, we lost the baby and I almost died from an undiagnosed tubal rupture. I had to be airlifted to Vancouver for emergency surgery and was told later that I had no business being alive at that point. I lost over half my blood that night.
The loss of the baby was devastating. I am still dealing with it. He would have been born around Lloyd’s birthday next year. (I was also told that I couldn’t have any more children and Lloyd and I always wanted more) The brush with death affected me deeply also. I was coldly afraid as I waited on the operating table. I knew that I was a sinner in BIG TROUBLE. I knew that God is merciful but I knew I didn't deserve His mercy.
I lived through it obviously, but things began to change radically in my heart and mind. When I look at it now, it's beginning to make more sense to me but at the time I didn’t understand why I didn’t have more peace during that very frightening time. The only thing I knew to do was say the Lord’s Prayer and I said it three times that night. I asked for God to have mercy on me, a sinner.
I read the book “the Robe” during my time in the hospital and it got me to thinking about the early church Fathers. It also deepened my understanding for Christ as man. All of these things served to bring me closer to the truth.
Now my husband Lloyd watches a lot of EWTN and he LOVES Father Corapi and the Journey Home show. I’ve been watching with him for about a year now and although I started out critical (in the short time I have been an Evangelical I picked up the anti-Catholic bias) I have I been really drawn in by what these people are saying. There is so much sense in it that I cannot refute it. There have also been key Catholic people in my life that have been such loving and genuine people and I thank God for putting them in my path.
Recently there was a wonderful round table show on The Journey Home with 3 Hebrew Catholics. The similarities between Judaism and Catholicism made so much sense that I finally understood why I felt the way I did about Messianic Jews. That was the show that cemented it for me. I knew there was no going back.
I bought a Catholic Bible, a Catechism, some Catholic history books and I also began to re-read the books that were given to me 4 years ago. More informed and more mature now, I know with certainty that I am going in the right direction.
One of the things that I love most about this journey is the love that Catholics have for Mary. One of the things that has hurt my heart in the past is the lack of female veneration of any kind in the church. It was one of the things that drew me to feminism. The love that is shown Mary fills a very big hole in my heart that has been there for a long time.
The issue of Papal authority and infallibility is no longer a question in my mind and neither is Purgatory. These were my biggest stumbling blocks as well as the whole “bible as the only authority” issue. Finding out that the Bible stated this nowhere was like the V8 commercial- smack me in the head for missing the obvious.
I have contacted our local Catholic Priest and I want to become a Catholic as soon I can. My questions have been answered. I can’t tell you what a relief it is. I know I have the full truth which I have been seeking all my life. I am eager and full of gratitude. I love Jesus more than ever and feel like we are starting all over again but this time I'm wearing my glasses. 
Tomorrow I am meeting with two ladies from the Catholic Church to discuss starting RCIA for me. I am excited and nervous. I can't believe it's happening.
My only concern at this point is the hurt that my church family is going to feel at our "desertion". We will be leaving our very vulnerable church at a crucial time. These people have truly loved us like no others in our lives. People will feel hurt, confused and I know some of our friends will be afraid for our salvation. We hope to be able to help them understand what God has revealed to us. And bring the rest of them home. 
We will be praying for them.
Last edited on Mon Nov 26th, 2007 04:43 am by New Creation
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always a seeker
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bjbouwer
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Wisconsin USA |
| Posts: | 57 |
| First Name: | Bonnie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian Scientist, pinball Christian, RCC in 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 09:55 am |
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Paula -
What a wonderful testimony - thanks for sharing with us.
I'll be praying for you during your preparation to enter the Catholic Church. It is truly an exciting time.
Would you join me in praying for a friend of mine, when you think of it? She was abused by her father, had no self-esteem when we were kids, and ended up in the strip/dancing field. I haven't seen her since high school, but the Lord has quickened me to pray for her in the last few months.
I look forward to hearing of your journey into the RCC this year. I was accepted at Easter Vigil 2006.
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Bonnie in WI
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CajunRick
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 10:00 am |
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Welcome to our forum, Paula. Your amazing story is similar in many ways to others on our forum, so hopefully you will find comfort and support especially in dealing with the loss of your child. Meanwhile, remember that you have your own personal saint in heaven interceding with our Savior on your behalf. Remember, "a little child shall lead them". Let your child lead you to the Truth, and we promise to support you on your journey wherever it might lead.
As for your feeling that you are "deserting" your church, many feel that the Anglican church has "deserted" the Truth. An increasing number of Anglicans are "coming home to Rome" including entire dioceses, and the whole Traditional Anglican Communion. The Anglican Catholic Church of Canada has been in discussion with Rome for years. We've been following the stories in our Religion in the News section, as well as in other sections of the forum. As you read forum postings, you will find that you are far from alone. In fact we even have a member who is a former Anglican priest, and is now a Catholic priest. (Others have traveled the same path, but find themselves far too busy to frequent the forum.)
You're in good company, Paula. Even Tony Blair is expected to join the Catholic Church before Christmas, now that he is no longer Prime Minister and is legally free to do so. He's been attending mass with his Catholic wife for some years now.
The journey can be a lonely one, but we'll do our best to offer comfort, support, and companionship. Welcome to CHNI, and welcome home.
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Dave Armstrong
Network Apologist
| Joined: | Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Melvindale, Michigan USA |
| Posts: | 2227 |
| First Name: | Dave | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Evangelical (1977): Diverse Protestant Influences / Catholic in 1990 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 04:35 pm |
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Hi Paula,
A warm welcome to you. That was indeed an extraordinary testimony (you were right that it wasn't boring!). As I just wrote to another new member today: you will find plenty of people here who can empathize with various struggles and questions.
Not that there would be many who had your exact experience and past, but in terms of sexual sin, there is plenty of that, that was committed by many of us (I quickly raise my hand as one such violator). Don't feel alone. We're in a very sexually-obsessed society, and the detrimental aftermath of that has been enormous.
I haven't been here all that long myself, but have found that this is a wonderful, caring group of people, and a pretty unique forum on the Internet in that regard (both caring and orthodox in belief). You're truly among friends, who will care and pray for you and help you along the journey. And that is the case with all new members (all of you new folks out there who are reading this!).
For my part, I spend relatively more time in answering questions about the faith that people have, since I am in the apologetic field. That's my particular emphasis on this forum. But a lot of what goes on here is in a more pastoral / personal / sharing experiences and troubles vein.
I think it'll be just the right thing for you!
May God bless you. I'm sure you will touch and affect many people with your testimony. I love reading these stories. God is already at work, using you as one of His messengers, to spread His life-transforming message of hope, joy, and peace. You're going to have a very rewarding and exciting life. God doesn't disappoint!
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I'm happy to offer whatever theological & personal assistance I can. My blog, Biblical Evidence for Catholicism, contains 2100+ papers & web pages (free) & 17 apologetic books (4 sale: 15 E-Books: $25)
http://www.biblicalcatholic.com/
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New Creation
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| Joined: | Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 61 |
| First Name: | Paula | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | wicca 9 yrs, Anglican 5 yrs, RCIA now! |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 05:25 pm |
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bjbouwer wrote: Paula -
What a wonderful testimony - thanks for sharing with us.
I'll be praying for you during your preparation to enter the Catholic Church. It is truly an exciting time.
Would you join me in praying for a friend of mine, when you think of it? She was abused by her father, had no self-esteem when we were kids, and ended up in the strip/dancing field. I haven't seen her since high school, but the Lord has quickened me to pray for her in the last few months.
I look forward to hearing of your journey into the RCC this year. I was accepted at Easter Vigil 2006.
Hi Bonnie and many thanks for your prayers and your welcome. I'm so glad to meet you.
I would be honoured to pray for your friend. Can you give me her first name?
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always a seeker
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New Creation
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| Joined: | Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 61 |
| First Name: | Paula | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | wicca 9 yrs, Anglican 5 yrs, RCIA now! |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 05:31 pm |
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CajunRick wrote: Welcome to our forum, Paula. Your amazing story is similar in many ways to others on our forum, so hopefully you will find comfort and support especially in dealing with the loss of your child. Meanwhile, remember that you have your own personal saint in heaven interceding with our Savior on your behalf. Remember, "a little child shall lead them". Let your child lead you to the Truth, and we promise to support you on your journey wherever it might lead.
As for your feeling that you are "deserting" your church, many feel that the Anglican church has "deserted" the Truth. An increasing number of Anglicans are "coming home to Rome" including entire dioceses, and the whole Traditional Anglican Communion. The Anglican Catholic Church of Canada has been in discussion with Rome for years. We've been following the stories in our Religion in the News section, as well as in other sections of the forum. As you read forum postings, you will find that you are far from alone. In fact we even have a member who is a former Anglican priest, and is now a Catholic priest. (Others have traveled the same path, but find themselves far too busy to frequent the forum.)
You're in good company, Paula. Even Tony Blair is expected to join the Catholic Church before Christmas, now that he is no longer Prime Minister and is legally free to do so. He's been attending mass with his Catholic wife for some years now.
The journey can be a lonely one, but we'll do our best to offer comfort, support, and companionship. Welcome to CHNI, and welcome home.
Rick, I am in love with the idea that my little ones are helping me on my journey home. It touches my heart so very deeply that I have tears in my eyes. Can you or anyone else explain this a little more to me?
I am totally in shock that Tony Blair is joining the Catholic Church! This is the first I've heard of it! Wow, I knew I liked that guy for a reason!
Thank you so much for your heartfelt welcome and offer to help me on my way. I really do feel as if I am home.
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always a seeker
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New Creation
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| Joined: | Thu Nov 22nd, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 61 |
| First Name: | Paula | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | wicca 9 yrs, Anglican 5 yrs, RCIA now! |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 05:36 pm |
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Dave, I am really glad that there are learned people such as yourself on the boards and I look forward to taking advantage of your knowledge.
Just an aside, I'm from your neck of the woods...grew up in Windsor Ontario and I've been to the Detroit area many many times (especially for Tiger games).
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always a seeker
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thiscatholicjourney
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| Joined: | Tue Nov 7th, 2006 |
| Location: | Reno, Nevada USA |
| Posts: | 34 |
| First Name: | Amber | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | From non-denominational to Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 05:48 pm |
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WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME! This is an amazing story! Thank you for sharing it here.
May God continuously bless you!
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Proudly entered the Catholic Church in 2007!
Learn about my journey!
http://thiscatholicjourney.com/blog.htm
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Credo Catholic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1548 |
| First Name: | Marsha | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Catholic |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 06:03 pm |
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Hello Paula, and thank you for sharing your amazing story with us. It is so heartwarming to read how you have gone through so much of the darker side of humanity and now have "surfaced" and found the truth you were seeking. I especially understood how you found the RCC and the love for our Blessed Mother Mary to be helpful in your journey. The world we live in does dishonor to women, and it's hard sometimes to overcome those feelings. I have found that looking to Mary as an example of virtue that I can aspire to, has helped me understand my value as a woman.
Many of us here have found it hard to leave former friends, even family members, at previous churches. You will have to find a way to let them know you are not turning your back on them as friends, but you are turning your back on a church which cannot give you what it does not have: the truth. Explain to them a little of what you have found, and trust the Holy Spirit to enable them to accept your decision. God bless
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Dave Armstrong
Network Apologist
| Joined: | Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 |
| Location: | Melvindale, Michigan USA |
| Posts: | 2227 |
| First Name: | Dave | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Evangelical (1977): Diverse Protestant Influences / Catholic in 1990 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 06:49 pm |
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Just an aside, I'm from your neck of the woods...grew up in Windsor Ontario and I've been to the Detroit area many many times (especially for Tiger games).
Cool! My dad is Canadian, and grew up in Essex. So I'm half-Canadian. I had many cousins and aunts and uncles who lived in Windsor (though they have tended to move to the London area or beyond). I love it over there. We've even done circle tours of Lake Huron and Lake Superior (most of the shores of those lakes are Canadian, for those on this board who aren't up on their Michigan-Ontario Great Lakes geography ). This summer we visited a cousin in Woodstock, Ontario and went through the Thousand Islands area on the way back from New Hampshire.
We had hoped to visit the Canadian Rockies next summer, but the (as of January) required costly passports make that unpractical for my family of six. BOO! Of course I understand the need, though . . .
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I'm happy to offer whatever theological & personal assistance I can. My blog, Biblical Evidence for Catholicism, contains 2100+ papers & web pages (free) & 17 apologetic books (4 sale: 15 E-Books: $25)
http://www.biblicalcatholic.com/
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CajunRick
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 10:40 pm |
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New Creation wrote: CajunRick wrote: Meanwhile, remember that you have your own personal saint in heaven interceding with our Savior on your behalf. Remember, "a little child shall lead them". Let your child lead you to the Truth, and we promise to support you on your journey wherever it might lead.
Rick, I am in love with the idea that my little ones are helping me on my journey home. It touches my heart so very deeply that I have tears in my eyes. Can you or anyone else explain this a little more to me?
We believe that our God is the Living God, and the God of the living, not the dead. Jesus came to bring eternal life. Those who die in the Lord are eternally alive. And those who are alive in Christ can pray for one another. Your little one was pure and innocent, a spotless lamb given to Jesus, who loved to be surrounded by little children. "Let the children come to me." Your little one knows only one person -- you -- and you are the object of your child's prayers. The prayers of the saints rise like incense before God's Mighty Throne. Your child is praying for you, and might well be responsible for God granting you the grace that has led you to the Church.
We call this the "Communion of Saints" where the Church Triumphant (those in heaven) assist those on earth (the Church Militant) with prayer, and together we pray for the Church Suffering (those deceased but not yet purified, being purged with God's love as gold tested in fire). Together we are all more or less filled with the Holy Spirit and alive in Christ Jesus our Savior, waiting to stand before the Throne of the Most High God united in the Body and Blood of Christ.
This is a very simple overview of two thousand years of Church teaching. We continue to deepen our understanding of the relationship between the Church Triumpant, the Church Suffering, and the Church Militant. The important point is that all who die in the Lord can be saved, and no one is more pure than an unborn child. I believe your child is in God's presence today, interceding on your behalf.
I am totally in shock that Tony Blair is joining the Catholic Church! This is the first I've heard of it! Wow, I knew I liked that guy for a reason!
It is still not official, but he has been attending mass with his wife for years. In fact, the Catholic News Agency had an article about Blair's faith today. You can watch the Blair interview with the BBC here.
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heardclarke
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 9th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 220 |
| First Name: | Lisa | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | cradle Episcopalian; confirmed RC Easter 2005 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 02:13 am |
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Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing your story. You really reminded me of a long-time friend of mine. I just hope she will come home someday too.
I am also a former Anglican and a big fan of Fr. Corapi. In fact this is a difficult time for me right now (hectic work and family issues) and I have decided to listen to his audio CDs on the Catechism again as my Advent discipline. There are 48, so I'll never get through them all, but 1 a day seems like a good goal. If you and Lloyd have not listened to these, try to get them! They really helped me understand the teachings of the Church more clearly.
Just guessing from your story, but there's a C.S. Lewis book you may really like called Till We Have Faces. (As a former Anglican I am just assuming that you've already read the Narnia books, but if not, start with those...they are NOT just for kids!)
This forum is just like the rest of the Church--full of saints and sinners, but most of all, seekers! I hope you will find lots of encouragement, and feel free to ask any question you want.
Love,
Lisa
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Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
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Br_Carlo
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Tyler, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 150 |
| First Name: | Br_Carlo (Vince Brach) | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Presbyterian, Episcopalian, CATHOLIC |
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 09:51 am |
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God's peace, and welcome, Paula! I too am a former Anglican--you are among friends!
I would like to suggest a little book to you: Journey Without End, by Carlo Carretto. This book is (I believe) out of print, but it is easy to get a used copy through Amazon. It sets forth marvelously the wonderful truth that the Cajun presented to you about your little one. I can guarantee that you will love it! Blessings, ~Br_Carlo~
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Pani Rose
Member
| Joined: | Fri Oct 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Irondale, Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 687 |
| First Name: | Rose | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Ruthenian Byzantine in a Melkite Greek Catholic Parish, raised ... |
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 06:11 pm |
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Welcome Paula! You have a great helper/saint/mother/intercessor in St. Mary of Egypt. Here is her story. Those of us in the East, after vespers, read her story aloud every year during Great and Holy Lent, afterwards we share in a bowl of wonderful dried fruits, so she is very special to us.
ST MARY OF EGYPT
"It is good to hide the secret of a king, but it is glorious to reveal and preach the works of God" (Tobit 12.7) So said the Archangel Raphael to Tobit when he performed the wonderful healing of his blindness. Actually, not to keep the secret of a king is perilous and a terrible risk, but to be silent about the works of God is a great loss for the soul. And I (says St. Sophronius), in writing the life of St. Mary of Egypt, am afraid to hide the works of God by silence. Remembering the misfortune threatened to the servant who hid his God-given talent in the earth (Matt 25.18-25 ), I am bound to pass on the holy account that has reached me. And let no one think (continues St. Sophronius) that I have had the audacity to write untruth or doubt this great marvel --may I never lie about holy things! If there do happen to be people who, after reading this record, do not believe it, may the Lord have mercy on them because, reflecting on the weakness of human nature, they consider impossible these wonderful things accomplished by holy people. But now we must begin to tell this most amazing story, which has taken place in our generation.
There was a certain elder in one of the monasteries of Palestine, a priest of the holy life and speech, who from childhood had been brought up in monastic ways and customs. This elder's name was Zosimas. He had been through the whole course of the ascetic life and in everything he adhered to the rule once given to him by his tutors as regard spiritual labours. he had also added a good deal himself whilst labouring to subject his flesh to the will of the spirit. And he had not failed in his aim. He was so renowned for his spiritual life that many came to him from neighboring monasteries and some even from afar. While doing all this, he never ceased to study the Divine Scriptures. Whether resting, standing, working or eating food (if the scraps he nibbled could be called food), he incessantly and constantly had a single aim: always to sing of God, and to practice the teaching of the Divine Scriptures. Zosimas used to relate how, as soon as he was taken from his mother's breast, he was handed over to the monastery where he went through his training as an ascetic till he reached the age of 53. After that, he began to be tormented with the thought that he was perfect in everything and needed no instruction from anyone, saying to himself mentally, "Is there a monk on earth who can be of use to me and show me a kind of asceticism that I have not accomplished? Is there a man to be found in the desert who has surpassed me?"
Thus thought the elder, when suddenly an angel appeared to him and said:
"Zosimas, valiantly have you struggled, as far as this is within the power of man, valiantly have you gone through the ascetic course. But there is no man who has attained perfection. Before you lie unknown struggles greater than those you have already accomplished. That you may know how many other ways lead to salvation, leave your native land like the renowned patriarch Abraham and go to the monastery by the River Jordan."
Zosimas did as he was told. he left the monastery in which he had lived from childhood, and went to the River Jordan. At last he reached the community to which God had sent him. Having knocked at the door of the monastery, he told the monk who was the porter who he was; and the porter told the abbot. On being admitted to the abbot's presence, Zosimas made the usual monastic prostration and prayer. Seeing that he was a monk the abbot asked:
"Where do you come from, brother, and why have you come to us poor old men?"
Zosimas replied:
"There is no need to speak about where I have come from, but I have come, father, seeking spiritual profit, for I have heard great things about your skill in leading souls to God."
"Brother," the abbot said to him, "Only God can heal the infirmity of the soul. May He teach you and us His divine ways and guide us. But as it is the love of Christ that has moved you to visit us poor old men, then stay with us, if that is why you have come. May the Good Shepherd Who laid down His life for our salvation fill us all with the grace of the Holy Spirit."
After this, Zosimas bowed to the abbot, asked for his prayers and blessing, and stayed in the monastery. There he saw elders proficient both in action and the contemplation of God, aflame in spirit, working for the Lord. They sang incessantly, they stood in prayer all night, work was ever in their hands and psalms on their lips. Never an idle word was heard among them, they know nothing about acquiring temporal goods or the cares of life. But they had one desire -- to become in body like corpses. Their constant food was the Word of God, and they sustained their bodies on bread and water, as much as their love for God allowed them Seeing this, Zosimas was greatly edified and prepared for the struggle that lay before him.
Many days passed and the time drew near when all Christians fast and prepare themselves to worship the Divine Passion and Ressurection of Christ. The monastery gates were kept always locked and only opened when one of the community was sent out on some errand. It was a desert place, not only unvisited by people of the world but even unknown to them.
There was a rule in that monastery which was the reason why God brought Zosimas there. At the beginning of the Great Fast [on Forgiveness Sunday] the priest celebrated the holy Liturgy and all partook of the holy body and blood of Christ. After the Liturgy they went to the refectory and would eat a little lenten food.
Then all gathered in church, and after praying earnestly with prostrations, the elders kissed one another and asked forgiveness. And each made a prostration to the abbot and asked his blessing and prayers for the struggle that lay before them. After this, the gates of the monastery were thrown open, and singing, "The Lord is my light and my Savior; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defender of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 26.1) and the rest of that psalm, all went out into the desert and crossed the River Jordan. Only one or two brothers were left in the monastery, not to guard the property (for there was nothing to rob), but so as not to leave the church without Divine Service. Each took with him as much as he could or wanted in the way of food, according to the needs of his body: one would take a little bread, another some figs, another dates or wheat soaked in water. And some took nothing but their own body covered with rags and fed when nature forced them to it on the plants that grew in the desert.
After crossing the Jordan, they all scattered far and wide in different directions. And this was the rule of life they had, and which they all observed -- neither to talk to one another, nor to know how each one lived and fasted. If they did happen to catch sight of one another, they went to another part of the country, living alone and always singing to God, and at a definite time eating a very small quantity of food. In this way they spent the whole of the fast and used to return to the monastery a week before the Resurrection of Christ, on Palm Sunday. Each one returned having his own conscience as the witness of his labour, and no one asked another how he had spent his time in the desert. Such were rules of the monastery. Everyone of them whilst in the desert struggled with himself before the Judge of the struggle -- God -- not seeking to please men and fast before the eyes of all. For what is done for the sake of men, to win praise and honour, is not only useless to the one who does it but sometimes the cause of great punishment.
Zosimas did the same as all. And he went far, far into the desert with a secret hope of finding some father who might be living there and who might be able to satisfy his thirst and longing. And he wandered on tireless, as if hurrying on to some definite place. He had already waled for 20 days and when the 6th hour came he stopped and, turning to the East, he began to sing the sixth Hour and recite the customary prayers. He used to break his journey thus at fixed hours of the day to rest a little, to chant psalms standing and to pray on bent knees.
And as he sang thus without turning his eyes from the heavens, he suddenly saw to the right of the hillock on which he stood the semblance of a human body. At first he was confused thinking he beheld a vision of the devil, and even started with fear. But, having guarded himself with he sign of the Cross and banished all fear, he turned his gaze in that direction and in truth saw some form gliding southwards. It was naked, the skin dark as if burned up by the heat of the sun; the hair on its head was white as a fleece, and not long, falling just below its neck. Zosimas was so overjoyed at beholding a human form that he ran after it in pursuit, but the form fled from him. He followed. At length, when he was near enough to be heard, he shouted:
  Mary receives the mysteries from Zosimas "Why do you run from an old man and a sinner? Slave of the True God, wait for me, whoever you are, in God's name I tell you, for the love of God for Whose sake you are living in the desert."
"Forgive me for God's sake, but I cannot turn towards you and show you my face, Abba Zosimas. For I am a woman and naked as you see with the uncovered shame of my body. But if you would like to fulfil one wish of a sinful woman, throw me your cloak so that I can cover my body and can turn to you and ask for your blessing."
Here terror seized Zosimas, for he heard that she called him by name. But he realized that she could not have done so without knowing anything of him if she had not had the power of spiritual insight.
He at once did as he was asked. He took off his old, tattered cloak and threw it to her, turning away as he did so. She picked it up and was able to cover at least a part of her body. The she turned to Zosimas and said:
"Why did you wish, Abba Zosimas, to see a sinful woman? What do you wish to hear or learn from me, you who have not shrunk from such great struggles?"
Zosimas threw himself on the ground and asked for her blessing. She likewise bowed down before him. And thus they lay on the ground prostrate asking for each other's blessing. And one word alone could be heard from both: "Bless me!" After a long while the woman said to Zosimas:
"Abba Zosimas, it is you who must give blessing and pray. You are dignified by the order of priesthood and for many years you have been standing before the holy altar and offering the sacrifice of the Divine Mysteries."
This flung Zosimas into even greater terror. At length with tears he said to her:
"O mother, filled with the spirit, by your mode of life it is evident that you live with God and have died to the world. The Grace granted to you is apparent -- for you have called me by name and recognized that I am a priest, though you have never seen me before. Grace is recognized not by one's orders, but by gifts of the Spirit, so give me your blessing for God's sake, for I need your prayers."
Then, giving way before the wish of the elder, the woman said:
"Blessed is God Who cares for the salvation of men and their souls."
Zosimas answered:
"Amen."
And both rose to their feet. Then the woman asked the elder:
"Why have you come, man of God, to me who am so sinful? Why do you wish to see a woman naked and devoid of every virtue? Though I know one thing -- the Grace of the Holy Spirit has brought you to render me a service in time. Tell me, father, how are the Christian peoples living? And the kings? How is the Church guided?"
Zosimas said:
"By your prayers, mother, Christ has granted lasting peace to all. But fulfill the unworthy petition of an old man and pray for the whole world and for me who am a sinner, so that my wanderings in the desert may not be fruitless."
She answered:
"You who are a priest, Abba Zosimas, it is you who must pray for me and for all -- for this is your calling. But as we must all be obedient, I will gladly do what you ask."
And with these words she turned to the East, and raising her eyes to heaven and stretching out her hands, she began to pray in a whisper. One could not hear separate words, so that Zosimas could not understand anything that she said in her prayers. Meanwhile he stood, according to his own word, all in a flutter, looking at the ground without saying a word. And he swore, calling God to witness, that when at length he thought that her prayer was very long, he took his eyes off the ground and saw that she was raised bout a forearm's distance from the ground and stood praying in the air. When he saw this, even greater terror seized him and he fell on the ground weeping and repeating may times, "Lord have mercy."
And whilst lying prostrate on the ground he was tempted by a thought: Is it not a spirit, and perhaps her prayer is hypocrisy. But at the very same moment the woman turned round, raised the elder from the ground and said:
"Why do thoughts confuse you, Abba, and tempt you about me, as if I were a spirit and a dissember in prayer? Know, holy father, that I am only a sinful woman, though I am guarded by Holy baptism. And I am no spirit but earth and ashes, and flesh alone."
And with these words she guarded herself with the sign of the Cross on her forehead, eyes, mouth and breast, saying:
"May God defend us from the evil one and from his designs, for fierce is his struggle against us."
Hearing and seeing this, the elder fell to the ground and, embracing her feet, he said with tears:
"I beg you, by the Name of Christ our God, Who was born of a Virgin, for Whose sake you have stripped yourself, for Whose sake you have exhausted your flesh, do not hide from your slave, who you are and whence and how you came into this desert. Tell me everything so that the marvellous works of God may become known. A hidden wisdom and a secret treasure -- what profit is there in them? Tell me all, I implore you. for not out of vanity or for self-display will you speak but to reveal the truth to me, an unworthy sinner. I believe in God, for whom you live and whom you serve. I believe that He led me into this desert so as to show me His ways in regard to you. It is not in our power to resist the plans of God. If it were not the will of God that you and your life would be known, He would not have allowed be to see you and would not have strengthened me to undertake this journey, one like me who never before dared to leave his cell."
Much more said Abba Zosimas. But the woman raised him and said:
"I am ashamed, Abba, to speak to you of my disgraceful life, forgive me for God's sake! But as you have already seen my naked body I shall likewise lay bare before you my work, so that you may know with what shame and obscenity my soul is filled. I was not running away out of vanity, as you thought, for what have I to be proud of -- I who was the chosen vessel of the devil? But when I start my story you will run from me, as from a snake, for your ears will not be able to bear the vileness of my actions. But I shall tell you all without hiding anything, only imploring you first of all to pray incessantly for me, so that I may find mercy on the day of Judgment."
The elder wept and the woman began her story.
"My native land, holy father, was Egypt. Already during the lifetime of my parents, when I was twelve years old, I renounced their love and went to Alexandria. I am ashamed to recall how there I at first ruined my maidenhood and then unrestrainedly and insatiably gave myself up to sensuality. It is more becoming to speak of this briefly, so that you may just know my passion and my lechery. for about seventeen years, forgive me, I lived like that. I was like a fire of public debauch. And it was not for the sake of gain -- here I speak the pure truth. Often when they wished to pay me, I refused the money. I acted in this way so as to make as many men as possible to try to obtain me, doing free of charge what gave me pleasure. do not think that I was rich and that was the reason why I did not take money. I lived by begging, often by spinning flax, but I had an insatiable desire and an irrepressible passion for lying in filth. This was life to me. Every kind of abuse of nature I regarded as life.
That is how I lived. Then one summer I saw a large crowd of Lybians and Egyptians running towards the sea. I asked one of them, `Where are these men hurrying to?' He replied, `They are all going to Jerusalem for the Exaltation of the Precious and Lifegiving Cross, which takes place in a few days.' I said to him, `Will they take me with them if I wish to go?' `No one will hinder you if you have money to pay for the journey and for food.' And I said to him, `To tell you truth, I have no money, neither have I food. But I shall go with them and shall go aboard. And they shall feed me, whether they want to or not. I have a body -- they shall take it instead of pay for the journey.' I was suddenly filled with a desire to go, Abba, to have more lovers who could satisfy my passion. I told you, Abba Zosimas, not to force me to tell you of my disgrace. God is my witness, I am afraid of defiling you and the very air with my words."
Zosimas, weeping, replied to her:
"Speak on for God's sake, mother, speak and do not break the thread of such an edifying tale."
And, resuming her story, she went on:
"That youth, on hearing my shameless words, laughed and went off. While I, throwing away my spinning wheel, ran off towards the sea in the direction which everyone seemed to be taking. and, seeing some young men standing on the shore, about ten or more of them, full of vigour and alert in their movements, I decided that they would do for my purpose (it seemed that some of them were waiting for more travellers whilst others had gone ashore). Shamelessly, as usual, I mixed with the crowd, saying, `Take me with you to the place you are going to; you will not find me superfluous.' I also added a few more words calling forth general laughter. Seeing my readiness to be shameless, they readily took me aboard the boat. Those who were expected came also, and we set sail at once.
How shall I relate to you what happened after this? Whose tongue can tell, whose ears can take in all that took place on the boat during that voyage! And to all this I frequently forced those miserable youths even against their own will. There is no mentionable or unmentionable depravity of which I was not their teacher. I am amazed, Abba, how the sea stood our licentiousness, how the earth did not open its jaws, and how it was that hell did not swallow me alive, when I had entangled in my net so many souls. But I think God was seeking my repentance. For He does not desire the death of a sinner but magnanimously awaits his return to Him. At last we arrived in Jerusalem. I spent the days before the festival in the town, living the same kind of life, perhaps even worse. I was not content with the youths I had seduced at sea and who had helped be to get to Jerusalem; many others -- citizens of the town and foreigners -- I also seduced.
The holy day of the Exaltation of the Cross dawned while I was still flying about -- hunting for youths. At daybreak I saw that everyone was hurrying to the church, so I ran with the rest. When the hour for the holy elevation approached, I was trying to make my way in with the crowd which was struggling to get through the church doors. I had at last squeezed through with great difficulty almost to the entrance of the temple, from which the lifegiving Tree of the Cross was being shown to the people. But when I trod on the doorstep which everyone passed, I was stopped by some force which prevented my entering. Meanwhile I was brushed aside by the crowd and found myself standing alone in the porch. Thinking that this had happened because of my woman's weakness, I again began to work my way into the crowd, trying to elbow myself forward. But in vain I struggled. Again my feet trod on the doorstep over which others were entering the church without encountering any obstacle. I alone seemed to remain unaccepted by the church. It was as if there was a detachment of soldiers standing there to oppose my entrance. Once again I was excluded by the same mighty force and again I stood in the porch.
Having repeated my attempt three or four times, at last I felt exhausted and had no more strength to push and to be pushed, so I went aside and stood in a corner of the porch. And only then with great difficulty it began to dawn on me, and I began to understand the reason why I was prevented from being admitted to see the life-giving Cross. The word of salvation gently touched the eyes of my heart and revealed to me that it was my unclean life which barred the entrance to me. I began to weep and lament and beat my breast, and to sigh from the depths of my heart. And so I stood weeping when I saw above me the ikon of the most holy Mother of God. And turning to her my bodily and spiritual eyes I said:
`O Lady, Mother of God, who gave birth in the flesh to God the Word, I know, O how well I know, that it is no honour or praise to thee when one so impure and depraved as I look up to thy ikon, O ever-virgin, who didst keep thy body and soul in purity. Rightly do I inspire hatred and disgust before thy virginal purity. But I have heard that God Who was born of thee became man on purpose to call sinners to repentance. Then help me, for I have no other help. Order the entrance of the church to be opened to me. Allow me to see the venerable Tree on which He Who was born of thee suffered in the flesh and on which He shed His holy Blood for the redemption of sinners and for me, unworthy as I am. Be my faithful witness before thy Son that I will never again defile my body by the impurity of fornication, but as soon as I have seen the Tree of the Cross I will renounce the world and its temptations and will go wherever thou wilt lead me.'
Thus I spoke and as if acquiring some hope in firm faith and feeling some confidence in the mercy of the Mother of God, I left the place where I stood praying. And I went again and mingled with the crowd that was pushing its way into the temple. And no one seemed to thwart me, no one hindered my entering the church. I was possessed with trembling, and was almost in delirium. Having got as far as the doors which I could not reach before -- as if the same force which had hindered me cleared the way for me -- I now entered without difficulty and found myself within the holy place. And so it was I saw the lifegiving Cross. I saw too the Mysteries of God and how the Lord accepts repentance. Throwing myself on the ground, I worshipped that holy earth and kissed it with trembling. Then I came out of the church and went to her who had promised to be my security, to the place where I had sealed my vow. And bending my knees before the Virgin Mother of God, I addressed to her such words as these:
`O loving Lady, thou hast shown me thy great love for all men. glory to God Who receives the repentance of sinners through thee. What more can I recollect or say, I who am so sinful? It is time for me, O Lady to fulfil my vow, according to thy witness. Now lead me by the hand along the path of repentance!' And at these words I heard a voice from on high:
`If you cross the Jordan you will find glorious rest.'
Hearing this voice and having faith that it was for me, I cried to the Mother of God:
`O Lady, Lady, do not forsake me!'
With these words I left the porch of the church and set off on my journey. As I was leaving the church a stranger glanced at me and gave me three coins, saying:
`Sister, take these.'
And, taking the money, I bought three loaves and took them with me on my journey, as a blessed gift. I asked the person who sold the bread: `Which is the way to the Jordan?' I was directed to the city gate which led that way. Running on I passed the gates and still weeping went on my journey. Those I met I asked the way, and after walking for the rest of that day (I think it was nine o'clock when I saw the Cross) I at length reached at sunset the Church of St. John the Baptist which stood on the banks of the Jordan. After praying in the temple, I went down to the Jordan and rinsed my face and hands in its holy waters. I partook of the holy and life-giving Mysteries in the Church of the Forerunner and ate half of one of my loaves. Then, after drinking some water from Jordan, I lay down and passed the night on the ground. In the morning I found a small boat and crossed to the opposite bank. I again prayed to Our Lady to lead me whither she wished. Then I found myself in this desert and since then up to this very day I am estranged from all, keeping away from people and running away from everyone. And I live here clinging to my God Who saves all who turn to Him from faintheartedness and storms."
Zosimas asked her:
"How many years have gone by since you began to live in this desert?"
She replied:
"Forty-seven years have already gone by, I think, since I left the holy city."
Zosimas asked:
"But what food do you find?"
The woman said:
"I had two and a half loaves when I crossed the Jordan. Soon they dried up and became hard as rock. Eating a little I gradually finished them after a few years."
Zosimas asked.
"Can it be that without getting ill you have lived so many years thus, without suffering in any way from such a complete change?"
The woman answered:
"You remind me, Zosimas, of what I dare not speak of. For when I recall all the dangers which I overcame, and all the violent thoughts which confused me, I am again afraid that they will take possession of me."
Zosimas said:
"Do not hide from me anything; speak to me without concealing anything."
And she said to him:
"Believe me, Abba, seventeen years I passed in this desert fighting wild beasts -- mad desires and passions. When I was about to partake of food, I used to begin to regret the meat and fish of which I had so much in Egypt. I regretted also not having wine which I loved so much, for I drank a lot of wine when I lived in the world, while here I had not even water. I used to burn and succumb with thirst. The mad desire for profligate songs also entered me and confused me greatly, edging me on to sing satanic songs which I had learned once. But when such desires entered me I struck myself on the breast and reminded myself of the vow which I had made, when going into the desert. In my thoughts I returned to the ikon of the Mother of God which had received me and to her I cried in prayer. I implored her to chase away the thoughts to which my miserable soul was succumbing. And after weeping for long and beating my breast I used to see light at last which seemed to shine on me from everywhere. And after the violent storm, lasting calm descended.
And how can I tell you about the thoughts which urged me on to fornication, how can I express them to you, Abba? A fire was kindled in my miserable heart which seemed to burn me up completely and to awake in me a thirst for embraces. As soon as this craving came to me, I flung myself on the earth and watered it with my tears, as if I saw before me my witness, who had appeared to me in my disobedience, and who seemed to threaten punishment for the crime. And I did not rise from the ground (sometimes I lay thus prostrate for a day and a night) until a calm and sweet light descended and enlightened me and chased away the thoughts that possessed me. But always I turned to the eyes of my mind to my Protectress, asking her to extend help to one who was sinking fast in the waves of the desert. And I always had her as my Helper and the Accepter of my repentance. And thus I lived for seventeen years amid constant dangers. And since then even till now the Mother of God helps me in everything and leads me as it were by the hand."
Zosimas asked:
"Can it be that you did not need food and clothing?"
She answered:
"After finishing the loaves I had, of which I spoke, for seventeen years I have fed on herbs and all that can be found in the desert. The clothes I had when I crossed the Jordan became torn and worn out. I suffered greatly from the cold and greatly from the extreme heat. At times the sun burned me up and at other times I shivered from the frost, and frequently falling to the ground I lay without breath and without motion. I struggled with many afflictions and with terrible temptations. But from that time till now the power of God in numerous ways had guarded my sinful soul and my humble body. When I only reflect on the evils from which Our Lord has delivered me I have imperishable food for hope of salvation. I am fed and clothed by the all-powerful Word of God, the Lord of all. For it is not by bread alone that man lives. And those who have stripped off the rags of sin have no refuge, hiding themselves in the clefts of the rocks (Job 24; Heb 11.38)."
Hearing that she cited words of Scripture, from Moses and Job, Zosimas asked her:
"And so you have read the psalms and other books?"
She smiled at this and said to the elder:
"Believe be, I have not seen a human face ever since I crossed the Jordan, except yours today. I have not seen a beast or a living being ever since I came into the desert. I never learned from books. I have never even heard anyone who sang and read from them. But the word of God which is alive and active, by itself teaches a man knowledge. And so this is the end of my tale. But, as I asked you in the beginning, so even now I implore you for the sake of the Incarnate word of God, to pray to the Lord for me who am such a sinner."
Thus concluding here tale she bowed down before him. And with tears the elder exclaimed:
"Blessed is God Who creates the great and wondrous, the glorious and marvellous without end. Blessed is God Who has shown me how He rewards those who fear Him. Truly, O Lord, Thou dost not forsake those who seek Thee!" | | |
