 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 06:55 pm |
|
Hi all,
Well, oldest daughter has done NOTHING - not a single thing her probation officer (P.O.) told her to do to keep out of juvinile hall (juvi). I signed her up for school last Wed. and she has not attended, yet. She refuses to go to her work program weekends. She was missing Friday and so missed a doctor's appointment to get referrals for counciling. She did not go to her P.O. appt. yesterday. she is not in school today. She has another dr's appt. today, but there is no guarantee that she will go.
Yesterday, after being gone all night after cussing me out, I told her that the next time she decided not to come home, she'd better have another place to live.
This morning, after refusing to get up (she is starting to catch a cold and is using raspy voice as her excuse not to attend school - which might work, if it weren't already missed day number 4), I told her I would be removing her things from her room, and I started with a box of letters from her friend who is also in juvi. This box of letters has some very interesting info, I'm sure she doesn't want me to read, and I think is also a kind of security blanket for her, as she has really put FOCUS on all things 'friend in juvi' related - her release date, and such.
Well, I picled up the box, and oldest attacked me, and so then I had to have a physical fight with her from her room, to the dining room, and back to the hallway, where I escaped into the bathroom, all the while, holding the box with my right hand and fending her off with my left - injured side. My two younger children watched. I simply can't believe that my reltaionship with her has been reduced to her cussing me out and both of us hitting each other.
Now, she is laying on the floor of her room, in front of her door - probably so I can't get anymore of her stuff. She is not getting up to attend school. Every question is answered with "I don't know", or silence.
There was a police car outside in the street this morning. I thought thtey were coming for her. It needs to happen, at this point, but when they left - without taking her - I started crying, because I really do not want my daughter to go to juvi.
Problem is, I can not get her any help, myself. I can not afford the $600 per day fee for the residential treatment center (where at least, she would be stuck there and have to attend). I can not afford the $375 per week intensive outpatient counciling - which I probably could not get her to, anyway. I can not even get a referral to counciling that accepts my state insurance until the doctor sees her, and I can not get her to the doctor.
I am finding myself resenting my husband, because I know that our lack of funds is directly related to how he handled our finances/work in our early days, but it does no good, now.
People are beginning to warn me that my younger daughters, if they see oldest's behavior enough (especially in regards to how she disrepects me so much), will become accustomed to it and begin to do it, too, and then I will eventually have three children (although oldest will be 18 by then) who sneak out, and steal, and drink, and do drugs, and stay gone for days at a time, and drop out of school, and get arrested, and cuss at their mom and attack her.
So, I know I have to get my oldest arrested fast and get her gone, but God, I love her and want her home and part of the family. So, I have done everything wrong, trying to protect her and encourage her. I just simply, can not get her to see how much she is loved. I can not get her to CARE about making her life better instead of waiting for it to 'culminate in a juvi sentence', because that is what she is expecting and so is really just doing nothing but waiting for it to happen.
When I got married, I asked to include her (I was eight months pregnant) in our vows. We promised to make a happy home for her and any future children. That was the most important part of my vows, and we have not done that. I have tried, but can see where I have failed.
God help me. I am going to lose her.
Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
|
|
|
Didi
Member
| Joined: | Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
| Posts: | 251 |
| First Name: | Didi | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Catholic; almost left; Now an On-Fire Catholic! |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 08:17 pm |
|
Hi Laura --
I'm so sorry for this difficult struggle with your daughter and will keep you in my prayers.
As hard as it may be, though, it sounds like it's time to do something drastic with your daughter. I think her refusal to do any of the things she is supposed to do is actually a cry for help. She can't come right out and tell you she needs the help, so she is acting out so you'll be forced to do something. Her attacking you physically is enough for you to be able to call the police, but given she's not doing any of the things she needs to regarding her probation, she's going to end up back at juvi anyway.
Sometimes the tough love is difficult, but we have to think of what, ultimately, will get her the attention and help she needs.
I'm fairly new here, so I don't know the history with your daughter or your injury. Have you spoken to your parish priest or Catholic Charities in your area? They may be able to provide you with additional resources or ideas for your daughter.
May God give you the strength you need to get through this difficult time.
|
|
|
EMarshallBuckles
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Rockville (Near Richmond), Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 675 |
| First Name: | Marshall | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Christian Church,Episcopal Church,Baptist denomination,learning about RCC |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 08:44 pm |
|
Laura, Didi's reply to you mentioned "tough love". Sometimes, despite our heart break, we have to "tough love" people. I am not sure how old your daughter is, however, if we are talking about her having to possibly go to "juvenile detention", or whatever they call it in California, I am guessing that she is under age 18. Anyway, I can only tell you what I would do in your situation, may God forbid that I would ever be in it and may God help you, dear lady, I am so terribly sorry that you are in this hellish situation! What I would suggest doing is going to the Probation Officer, telling him/her what is going on and asking for help. Your local social services department probably has a Child Protective Services unit and an Adult Protective Services unit. What they can and will do can vary from state to state and locality to locality, however, I would contact them and at least ask them for advice as well. I would call the Police and ask them for their advice also. I would contact your daughter's school counselor or social worker, if they have them, and ask them for their advice. If your school has a truency officer, you should contact them also. If you can confer with them all together, even better. Working with the local professionals, you need, if I may suggest, to develop a strategy for dealing with your daughter. I would suggest that you also tell them that you just do NOT have they money for the residential placement center or the counseling. Since your daughter has a probation officer assigned to her, she may be in violation of probation so the probation officer may need to have her arrested. Also, last but not least, I would suggest that you go to your Priest and to any local Catholic social services agency and ask for whatever help they can give and for their prayers.
Laura, I don't know the specifics of your daughter's situation, however, if she is into drug abuse, she is very likely not going to be doing what she is supposed to do until she has been through rehab and gotten off the drugs. If it is a non-drug or non-alcohol behavioral problem, she seems to me, from what you say, that she may be dealing with some sort of serious emotional problem which, of course, may be the case if she is on drugs or alcohol too - often drug and/or alcohol use is "self medication" to try to dull whatever the underlying problem may be. She is at a point where she is just going to have to be told, by professionals trained to do so, including the police, that she does NOT have any options, that she MUST do what she is told or be arrested and FORCED to do it as well as gotten into treatment. Yes, it is a hellish situation, however, it will only get worse unless intervention is done now and she gets the help, as well as the "incentives" to do what she needs to do now.
As for any resentment towards your husband, while, yes, things in the past can still affect things in the present, you will find that there comes a time when you just have to let the past go, forgive and go on trying to deal with things in the "now". We cannot change the past. With God's help, we CAN change the "now" and have a better future. I pray for God's blessings upon, guidance for and healing for your family! God is there with you, pray to Him and ask for His help. When you can't, God CAN in ANY situation! May God bless and guide you, Laura!
Last edited on Tue Mar 18th, 2008 08:47 pm by EMarshallBuckles
|
|
|
Steven Barrett
Member
| Joined: | Tue Nov 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | Hadley, Absurdistan, AKA , Massachusetts USA |
| Posts: | 1454 |
| First Name: | Steven | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic, Episcopal communicant, Baptist, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 09:29 pm |
|
Laura, I have a troubled teenage son, our youngest who just turned 17. At some moments he can be the most considerate loving son any parent could ask and pray for, then in a short while all hell breaks loose and he's off on a tirade. Usually it's about me, yet later he'll confide in me and I'm wondering at times who I'm dealing with. What keeps me from really letting this get to me, which is doubly dangerous because I have depression and just got out of one very long episode, is to just throw it all at the foot of God's feet; spiritually speaking, of course.
But the Lord wants us to use our street smarts in addition to our spiritual smarts.
Give it all to God and let Him give you the strength to BACK AWAY. Writing to us for support, prayers, and some practical advice will do wonders for you in the sense that it'll give you the satisfaction of knowing you're not just taking it to take it and trying to find some peaceful place and moment to work upon for even better results.
Find somebody close to her age who she trusts, but will listen to because that person has "been there" and can speak from raw experience of what the price for wanton disrespect, etc., choosing losers for "friends," drugs, boozing, etc. around will do in the long run. And make sure that friend will have his or her head and spiritual heart working in synch. That's a MUST.
And, also make sure that person is willing to give your child the hell you probably feel the state won't allow you to give lest the system be turned against you. (MA and CA are both liberal states , and not all that bright when it comes to giving rough kids what they understand and need the most: Tough Love, whatever you wish to call it.)
And by this, I mean, make sure this friend, or somebody you trust, will make sure, and I mean damn sure, that your word authority is to be held sacred by her and every kid who comes within a thousand miles of you. Okay, I'm pushing it here, but for a reason. This kid needs to have the fear of God going right into both her head and heart either directly through you or somebody you can fully trust. My son responds well to a man who served time in prison. Does he falter. Sure. But he's still under our roof and doesn't want to lose this.
Maybe also it's time for your child to realize it's really losing time. Cut 'em; cut those apron chains. To you they might seem like strings stretched out to her. But to her they're chains. Well, if that's her attitude, chains it should be and break them. She has to learn sometime soon through the cost of her various hatreds, bitch sessions and whatever else that's eating her enough to strike this hard at you, that she can ONLY live by love.
Remember this: this, too, shall pass. Rely on God, your local authorities, your doctors and therapists, p.o's (I used to be one in FL), teachers and if you can get one, a bruising, albeit lovingly bruising counselor who won't allow her to surrender herself out to life's lowest bidders on her soul.
They're out there, a zillion by the bushels. But they don't have to even come close to trespassing on your and your daughter's heart and head.
Remember, this, too shall pass, and that you're not alone.
steven
____________________
James Michael Curley to a young Thomas “Tip” O’Neill -- “Son, it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”
|
|
|
rbo4u2
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 16th, 2007 |
| Location: | Sunnyvale, California USA |
| Posts: | 518 |
| First Name: | Rich | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Formerly Christian & Missionary Alliance then became Presbyterian |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 09:37 pm |
|
Hi Laura. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I think the comments given you are good and worthy of consideration. I also remember a program on Life on the Rock on EWTN a few months back that had some representatives from a home or school for trouble teens in Wyoming. I want to say somewhere around the Cody area. I can't be sure. I have no idea what the costs are but I'm sure if you contact EWTN and Life on the Rock they can give you some information.
Also, Dr. Ray Guarendi from the EWTN show, The Dr. Is In, may also be able to offer advice and counsel. You are in a desparate situation and need all the counsel and advise you can get. See if they can help you.
In the meatime, I'll pray for you and your daughter and the rest of the family that somehow God will bring deliverance.
Rich
|
|
|
BodRod
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 |
| Location: | Apple Valley, California USA |
| Posts: | 840 |
| First Name: | Cliff | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Raised an SDA, then Generic Christian, finally at home with ... |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 03:28 am |
|
Truthseeker wrote: Well, oldest daughter has done NOTHING - not a single thing her probation officer (P.O.) told her to do to keep out of juvinile hall (juvi).
At the risk of bringing down the wrath of everyone here on my head ...... It sounds to me like you might be contributing to the problem. From my Monday morning quater-back position, my idea would have been to give her a reminder after she missed the first requirement and call her PO after she missed the second requirement. If I did not get an appropriate response from the PO, I would have called his/her boss and so on. I would expect that she and her friends will all have some rather pointed comments for you but if you don't support the program layed out by the PO, my guess is that she will not get better. Now .... before anyone shouts I don't know what such situations are like, ..... one of our daughters, who knew the rules of home, school, life, etc. etc. etc. decided to do what eventually got her arrested. We did not bail her out or even attend the trial. Let me tell you, we caught some bigtime flack over that. To cut the story short, she wound up in state prison. As I recall, she was not there two weeks before she decided she did not like state prison. She got herself together, did her work assignment, stayed out of trouble and got out early and has never gone back.
I doubt if this approach would work for everyone, but it seems to have accomplished the goals we each had. However, let me add, this approach is NOT easy. Sometimes it is very hard emotionally to let the system work!!!
Last edited on Wed Mar 19th, 2008 03:32 am by BodRod
____________________
Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
|
|
|
ordinary means
Member
| Joined: | Sat Mar 8th, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 16 |
| First Name: | andy | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic in name only, now Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 06:48 am |
|
Before I start with these thoughts I want you to know I prayed for you and your family.
I say entrust this situation to God.
First, go to confession. Then, I’d make a Holy Hour and really pour my heart out to the Lord. I’d also just spend time in silence so he can work on your heart. Then, I would fast and make a novena. I personally ask for the Holy Families intersession in family matters all the time.
I would repeat this over and over until hearts are softened all around starting with yours. (Recognizing hardness of heart changes the way we react to situations. We all have hard hearts.)
You are not alone and God has a plan for your daughter. Saint Monica prayed twenty years for her son. It sounds like you may be on a journey instead of a quick fix.
I don’t see a lot of this on the board but I would definitely get the house blessed and bring sacramentals into the home.
|
|
|
Annie
Banned
| Joined: | Wed Feb 14th, 2007 |
| Location: | Columbus, Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 731 |
| First Name: | Annie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | nothing, Quaker, Mennonite, Presbyterian, Methodist, Anglican, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 11:34 am |
|
| When I was 42 I learned that loving someone does not mean you should be an enabler. The concerns about the youngest children should be paramount at this point as they see the older one winning.
____________________
Annie
Ora et labora
|
|
|
David W. Emery
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2427 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 12:38 pm |
|
Laura, you are understanding so much of your own life now that I have had little occasion to speak. Even now you know what must be done.
Just as you were not healed of cancer without a long and unpleasant treatment, so too your daughter needs treatment for what ails her. Sin without consequences only begets more sin, both in the sinner and in others who see someone “getting away with it.” Unchecked, it is like a spreading cancer. As painful as it is, the consequences of your daughter’s actions must be allowed to act.
I’m sorry to see that it has come to this, Laura. God knows you well and has led you by the path of suffering. It has borne fruit. Your daughter is in need of some of that same “tough love.”
As I say, you know all this. You also know that the time to act is now. And the only way this is going to come about is for you to seek help as outlined by those who have responded to your plea. It can and must be done. God be with you.
David
|
|
|
Ali
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 667 |
| First Name: | Ali | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | JW, finally fully Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 01:56 pm |
|
Annie wrote: When I was 42 I learned that loving someone does not mean you should be an enabler. The concerns about the youngest children should be paramount at this point as they see the older one winning.
Yes, definitely think of your younger children!
Also recognize that you do not deserve this treatment.
We need to let our children fail and suffer the consequences. I watched my mom with my younger brother's for years. To say it was hard is an understatement. I'm sure you feel the same way.
|
|
|
Credo Catholic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1548 |
| First Name: | Marsha | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 04:49 pm |
|
Laura, I agree with the others, you need to provide a safe and nurturing home to the younger children. I'm not sure who "tough love" is tougher on, the rebellious child or the suffering parent. I really think it is harder for the parent, but it must be done for her sake. Get in touch with the professionals who are involved and let them know your intentions and ask for advice. Pack her things and put them by the door. Be ready to stand firm if she trys to win you over with a guilt trip. Let the younger girls know that you love their older sister very much, that she needs a lot of help from someone other that you, and she will be welcome back when she has shown she is willing and able to live by house rules.
You are in our prayers, and your family is too. I agree with the others that prayer and adoration will help you. Ask for the help of intercession from St. Monica, and try reading the book of Job, and the parable of the Prodigal Son might help. Do not give up hope for your daughter's future. Trust in our Lord to help her overcome these difficulties. God bless and keep you well.
|
|
|
CajunRick
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| First Name: | | | Gender: | | | Faith History: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 06:46 pm |
|
ordinary means wrote: I don’t see a lot of this on the board but I would definitely get the house blessed and bring sacramentals into the home.
Since we deal with those primarily on the road to conversion, the topic is more usually presented as the value of sacramentals such as having things blessed, use of sacramentals such as rosaries and statues, etc. You'll find lots of references to such things on the forum.
I would hope that most of our members have had their homes blessed and their walls are filled with crucifixes and palm branches, shelves with statues of favorite saints, tables burning blessed candles, etc. We have suggested it many times over the years but it is not discussed a lot primarily because it is a non-issue for most of our members.
It is good advice. Bad behavior is often the result of evil influences, and blessing the homes of believers is definitely a good way to fight evil. In my area it is rather common to circle a home with blessed salt, especially during hurricane season and when a hurricane approaches. Some consider it superstitious, but on the barrier island of Grand Isle the only home remaining after Hurricane Katrina had been blessed and circled with blessed salt the day before.
And for those under evil influences, there can be no greater experience than to see an ordained man of God moving from room to room "baptizing" the home in the name of the Trinity.
|
|
|
Intercessor
Member
| Joined: | Tue Sep 25th, 2007 |
| Location: | Southcentral, Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 1446 |
| First Name: | Becky | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Southern Baptist, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 07:10 pm |
|
Laura, before I retired, I was an assistant principal in charge of discipline. Often I ended up conducting family conferences with the child, the siblings, the parents, the stepparents, and the grandparents and various combinations of those persons. I dealt with police, court officials, foster care, community agencies, free counseling services, crisis centers for substance abusers, and holding areas for psychiatric cases.
You say that you can not get help for your daughter. I do not agree. Schools, courts, and community agencies have facilities (often very small) to which certain students are sent when they have become incorrigible. I'm speaking of help that does not cost the parents. Most of the slots are filled by kids who have become dangerous to others. Who gets the remaining slots? Kids whose misbehavior has been reported and documented over a period of time and kids whose parents are NOT trying to protect them from the consequences of their bad choices will be at the top of the list.
Go into mission mode, Laura. Call the probation officer and the school official (probably an assistant principal in charge of discipline but could also be the Director of Pupil Personnel at the Central Office) and every other police, school, or court official you have dealt with recently. My guess is ALL of them sized you up as a weak-willed (forgive me for being blunt, Laura, for I do love you) spineless mother who had not yet seen the light. It takes a lot of time to complete paperwork and phone calls and sometimes, pulling favors, to clear the path for getting a kid help. Unless the parents are supportive 100%, it's a complete waste of time.
People in those jobs don't have time to waste. I wouldn't have wasted my time spending hours on that stuff if I had not felt the parents involved were rock solid behind me and would not cave once the kid cried, apologized, promised, screamed, accused--whatever. Your daughter should have no more chances to continue at home right now. You, on the other hand, have this one last chance.
Go back to all those court, police, school officials and convince them that you have seen the light, you are NOT going to cave, and beg them to help you get the girl out of the house ASAP. Ask for the phone number to call to get a police car to your house to pick her up and drive her away. See that she is tested for drugs. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, if the squeaky wheel persuades everybody that she is ready to do serious business with courts, schools, and police and is not going to cave.
You'd be surprised how many parents and grandparents I gave that police car pickup phone number to, Laura. The most rewarding phone calls I received in that job were from parents or grandparents I had led through the process of learning how to deal with incorrigible kids.
Do it. Do it now.
Don't cave, no matter what.
It's your last chance to get it right.
____________________
Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials. . .the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Blessed is the man who perseveres in temptation, for when he has been proved he will receive the crown of life. . . NAB James 1:2-4,12
|
|
|
EMarshallBuckles
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Rockville (Near Richmond), Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 675 |
| First Name: | Marshall | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Christian Church,Episcopal Church,Baptist denomination,learning about RCC |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 08:39 pm |
|
Wow! I hadn't realized that Becky was an Assistant Principal! She certainly give some awesome, excellent advice above in my humble opinion! I wanted to add to what I said about that I have a younger brother who was involved with drugs and was getting into some things like car insurance fraud and with some stealing of property in the bad bunch he was running with, back in the '70s. I did not want to have to do so, however, after prayer, I finally got to the point that I realized that if I did not try to intervene, my brother would likely end up in prison or dead. So, I went to the law enforcement (police and sheriff) in our hometown and county locality and talked with investigators, telling them what I had heard and what I knew. To make a long story short, my brother ended up "having meaningful dialogue with the local constabulary" and, thankfully, he got more or less straightened out. I wish that I could say that he was a "model citizen" now, he's not, sadly, however, he doesn't use drugs any more and doesn't get involved with crime. He found out what I had done and has never forgiven me, however, at least he is not in prison or dead and still has a relationship with the rest of the family. He has shown up in church, from time to time, in recent years, so I have hope of at least seeing him in heaven someday where, there, we can be brothers as brothers should be. Please do what you have to do, Laura, and start to see to it that your daughter receives the intervention she needs. She may not be happy about it, initially, however, unlike my brother and me, someday she may well thank you and have a much better relationship with you. If you don't act, she could end up in prison or dead. Without intervention, things will only get worse, not better. My experience has been that God often times uses family members and friends of people to intervene in His Name when they need help. May God bless you and grant you peace and strength. 
|
|
|
Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 19th, 2008 09:25 pm |
|
OK- So God sent me an angel (my father) to me yesterday. My father literally said God touched his heart to come help me - he lives 4 hours away. We went to lunch and talked about everything. My daughter did not go to school but did go to the doctor. After the doctor, we went straight to her P.O. (I figured if I went home first, I would never be able to get her back in the car). She refused to get out of the car, so I saw P.O. by myself. Without mentioning the morning's attack, I was more honest with him than ever before - because yes, I have had a very hard time "helping my daughter on her journey to jail". (Spineless, someone here said? ) My husbnad and I have in fact, been giving her one more chance, one more chance, one more chance. We see that she has snubbed her nose at all of them.
So, her P.O. says that she is being reccommended for arrest and court and juvi, and I have agreed that he must do what he must do - and really am ready for it mentally, just not emotionally. Her P.O. also said, after I cried about being wishy-washy, because I am trying to help my child and protect her at the same time - "You have to be a parent". Sometimes, that is easier said than done, and you lose sight of how to respond, after awhile, but I am ready, now.
So, yesterday, she says she is going out, and I say she is not. And after she says she is, I call the police who say they will send someone to "keep the peace" but they can not really do anything. So, as I was on the phone, oldest tried to leave, and the policewoman on the phone litstened to our, "No, you're not!", "Yes, I am" and said she'd send someone. I grabbed oldest's sweater and she dug her nails into my arm until one broke - which she blamed on me. The, she passed by Grandpa and dad (my husband), so the police had to go pick her up and return her. She stayed home, but refused to go to school today, in retaliation for my "pulling that stunt".
When I came home from kids to school and radiation, she was 'job hunting' on the internet so she could raise money to get emancipated. She has just, for the second time, told me I am dead to her, yet still told me her dream this morning, smiled at something silly with me, said hi as I walked in the door. So, I called her P.O. to let him know she did not attend school- again. Today, she is refusing to go see him, for the third time this week, which is three violatins in a row and three automatic "dirty" drug tests.
I'm sure she will be arrested in the next few days. I am ready for it. I told her that when she is ready for me not to be dead to her anymore, I was ready to be there, because I love her no matter what. She doesn't really care.
Thanks for prayers.
I watched today's Stuebenville Presents about suffering and carrying our Cross, and that has helped to ease, somewhat, the constant anguish I feel over this situation.
Love so much, Laura
PS- All your advice was good.
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
|
|
|
Intercessor
Member
| Joined: | Tue Sep 25th, 2007 |
| Location: | Southcentral, Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 1446 |
| First Name: | Becky | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Southern Baptist, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 20th, 2008 12:02 am |
|
Wrong answer:
. . . I told her that when she is ready for me not to be dead to her anymore, I was ready to be there, because I love her no matter what.
CredoCatholic had the right answer:
. . . she will be welcome back when she has shown she is willing and able to live by house rules.
____________________
Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials. . .the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Blessed is the man who perseveres in temptation, for when he has been proved he will receive the crown of life. . . NAB James 1:2-4,12
|
|
|
Ali
Member
| Joined: | Sat Jan 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 667 |
| First Name: | Ali | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | JW, finally fully Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 21st, 2008 01:40 pm |
|
Truthseeker wrote:
When I came home from kids to school and radiation, she was 'job hunting' on the internet so she could raise money to get emancipated.
I would help her with this goal. Get her a plan of action! Get a budget set up with rent, food, electric, heating, clothing costs, gas and/or transportation, which may include some insurances, phone. Ummm, what else goes into running a house?? List it all out with amounts. If she keeps it up, surely there will be fines to tack onto those expenses as well.
Then see what kind of job she is qualified for as a 17 yo with no high school diploma and the starting wages for - let's be generous - McDonald's, since they pay higher than minimum wage. Unfortunately even that many not be enough to live on.
Put it in black and white for her so she can see with her own eyes that the grass is not greener on the other side.
Even then she probably won't listen. Some people just have to learn the hard way, and she'll continue down this path.
Continued prayers for you during Easter. {{Laura}}
|
|
|
Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 21st, 2008 06:17 pm |
|
So....the next day - Wed?? - oldest again did not go to school, nor to her P.O. So later, her BF called. They had broken up because he does not want a girlfriend who is a "bad girl". but, since he called, it looks like he still likes her and there is hope. I am OK with this (he's nice and helps me when she's missing), but I told her she could not see him, because she missed her stuff. I called his cell and told left message to wait until the next day after she went to school, but she saw his number in my phone and had a fit - called and said to come over, so I am yelling, "Do not come over" and we argued until she hung up the phone, but then called back. So, I hung up the phone, and she just lost it, because she was afraid I had blown her last chance with him (I do not condone any of her behavior, but I really do understand those teenage fears). Well, she threw a chair, knocked over a pile of paperwork, and stormed into her room.
I followed her, (my mistake), and said, "If he daosen't want to date a "bad girl", do you think this is what he would consider "good" - (I swear, I was trying to help her seeeee the difference - but she was so inflamed). So, she totally started slugging me, and since I am still careful about my left side, I could not use both hands to fend her off, because that would expose my left side. So, finally, while faced away from her, I started slugging her back, just to get her off me. Then, my husband had to come and hold her back while she tried to get at me some more and screamed about how much she hated me. Three cops to my house. It was so sad to hear her sobbing to them.
Thursday, she was placed on house arrest- anklet and everything. Court on Tuesday. We'll see how it goes.
Laura
____________________
Lord, please make my will your Will!
|
|
|
Credo Catholic
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Greenville, South Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 1548 |
| First Name: | Marsha | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Baptist, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 02:12 am |
|
Truthseeker wrote: Thursday, she was placed on house arrest- anklet and everything. Court on Tuesday. We'll see how it goes.
I am in disbelief that the police let her stay at home, after she has physically attacked you at least twice. She is a danger to you and the rest of the family. Has she ever attacked your husband? I'm guessing not. You are an easy and somewhat willing target for her. She is not suffering consequences for her actions, you are. I just want to say, there will come a day, hopefully a long time off, when you won't be there to cushion her fall. I have learned that lesson the hard way too, with my son. I have finally realized that the world is not going to love him and excuse him for bad behavior that way I did. The lessons that the world gives are much harsher than what we can teach if we do it in time. Your time is running out. Make her face the music now, Laura. You owe it to her, if not yourself.
Love and prayers,
Marsha
|
|
|
Tina in Ashburn
Member
| Joined: | Mon May 21st, 2007 |
| Location: | Ashburn, Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 282 |
| First Name: | Tina | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Cradle Roman Catholic, Ukranian Catholic, presently practicing as Roman Latin ... |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 06:33 am |
|
Laura, I am so sorry to read your terrible story.
As Dr Phil would say, "so hows this workin' for ya so far?" when he wants to make the point about changing what you are doing, because doing the same thing is obviously getting you nowhere.
You are the parent, act like the authority. You are in charge, take charge. Be fearless and do not flinch. The heartless see fear in your eyes and they go for blood. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. And never, never take the bait to engage in these escalating fights.
Also, parenting out of guilt makes us completely ineffective. I know because that's how I did it. Doesn't work. When you feel sorry for your kid, you stop parenting objectively. If you feel guilty in some way because you have been sick or that the child is at some disadvantage, your parenting suffers. Not only does the kid learn to leverage the 'victim' mentality against you and keep you on the defensive, they also absorb the effects of feeling 'unworthy' and deserving of pity.
Also, wishing our kids well, and not wanting to punish them, and wanting them to love us, is really all about making ourselves feel good. Punishing a child is wrenching, and deeply painful. But we do it out of objective love. Avoiding correct punishment is simply ourselves being selfish and avoiding pain. Its pride that makes us not want to hurt our kids feelings. We value our self-image so much that we can't stand this loss of stature by being the mean guy. So many times I failed to punish my son appropriately because I wanted him to like me. Pure pride. Or maybe laziness and self-indulgence. In the end, we fail our kids by not making them face consequences. It teaches them that there are no consequences in life, someone else will pay for it, and it makes them into terrible control freaks as they learn to answer to no one and that all situations can be manipulated.
I wonder too if your daughter is angry that you have been sick. Kids do funny things like that. Not that this excuses her or your behavior. Just wondering.
I have to suspect her erratic behavior is due to drugs. My son’s inexplicable behavior taught me this.
The advice in this thread is excellent. I'll add as well a suggestion to put St Benedict medals over your doorways. The ensuing calmness will amaze you.
I join the others in praying for your situation and know that I send you the most comforting hug I can send.
____________________
Tina
Arlington Diocese
|
|
|
Steven Barrett
Member
| Joined: | Tue Nov 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | Hadley, Absurdistan, AKA , Massachusetts USA |
| Posts: | 1454 |
| First Name: | Steven | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic, Episcopal communicant, Baptist, Catholic |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 08:34 pm |
| | |
