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Angie_Rivas1
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| Joined: | Wed Oct 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | Downey, USA |
| Posts: | 110 |
| First Name: | Angie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Cradle Catholic |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 05:16 am |
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I did not know where to post this message since my question is not about marriage anymore, so I decided to post it here. Today, I received a form from court- it is not my final divorce decree so I called David to check if he got the same letter. He received it, too. You know it is still so difficulty to communicate with him... He brought up the cc and my mother being the causes of our divorce. He says that he has the CC engraved on his soul and it is like an open wound. I see him suffering and I hurt for him. I do not know what to do to help this man I loved so dearly for 9 years. I want him to experience peace and not sorrow. David is not a bad man.
I just made many mistakes in our marriage. I said things he can't forget. Things like our marriage was not valid- we did not have a catholic wedding- and that if I died I would go straight to purgatory. I thought there was no more guilt in me, but after tonight's conversation with him I feel many of my words helped to destroy our marriage and not to construct it. I just think it is sad that two people can let go of their love and committment for a life together. I insisted that I would pray for his healing and he told me that he does not want my prayers because he knows that they include prayers to Mary. He does not want anything to do with the Virgin Mary or the Catholic Church... sometimes I wish I did not marry him because I never intended to hurt anyone- especially David. I really believed our love was going to survive anything and we would be with each other until the end. I was wrong 
Please keep him in your prayers. Meanwhile what can I do? I already asked for forgiviness... and he mentioned reconciliation again on his terms which means complete support on his ministry and submission on my part!
Angie
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"Be not afraid" JPII
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BodRod
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 2nd, 2006 |
| Location: | Apple Valley, California USA |
| Posts: | 840 |
| First Name: | Cliff | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Raised an SDA, then Generic Christian, finally at home with ... |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 06:25 am |
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<<< ...... if I died I would go straight to purgatory ......>>>
Purgatory doesn't sound so bad to me. If I wind up there, at least I would know I was on my way. It may not be the best place to be in, but it is on the way and certainly a lot better than winding up in hell.
In your topic line you asked, "What can I do?" I would suggest that you get involved in something outside of yourself and your problems, as you see them. Maybe you could join a ministry or two, help out at a local school, work with a seniors group, help out at a local museum, etc. 
Last edited on Thu Dec 14th, 2006 06:33 am by BodRod
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Gratias agamus Domino Deo nostro.
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David W. Emery
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2410 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 10:14 am |
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Angie, please do not confuse momentary emotions with reality. We have discussed David’s pattern of manipulation and abuse. This is more of the same.
Understand that hatred, not love, is driving this man. You do not want anything to do with hatred — his or anyone else’s. And if I were you, I would pray to the Lord and, yes, to the Virgin Mary for the salvation of his soul. Not out of spite, but out of a true concern for this misguided man. This is how your love should be expressed, not by self-destruction.
You say that he “is not a bad man.” This may be true in certain respects, but what you have told us of his actions in your regard show just the opposite. He is not treating you as a human being and he is not acting like the Christian he claims to be.
I just made many mistakes in our marriage.
You have also repented of those mistakes and confessed them; you received absolution. They are forgiven by God, yet this man wants to hold a grudge. Do not allow him to bring up your mistakes over and over again to punish you. That life is over — good riddance! You need to concentrate on your future, not your past.
I think BodRod has the right idea: get involved with a cause, an activity that will take your mind off your past and concentrate it on cultivating new friendships and interests. New life. No more abuse, no more remorse.
David
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Angie_Rivas1
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 11th, 2006 |
| Location: | Downey, USA |
| Posts: | 110 |
| First Name: | Angie | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Cradle Catholic |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 08:33 pm |
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David,
As usual, your response is always wise. However, I feel that I am not so much into myself or my problems anymore. You probably remember me a year ago. What a sigh I was!  I was such a mess that I literately did not see any hope for me recuperating from my divorce. I was in a hole where I could not see the light. Now I can tell you that only God's amazing grace saved me. He continues showing me His love and I am very grateful that He opened my eyes so that I could keep them on Him. Believe me David, it is been a difficult journey, but I know I am a little bit better because I trust the Lord about my present and my future... I have found peace, too. I do not like to know the people I care about are suffering. I know David is suffering and not necessarily because he loves me, but because he has lots of anger in his heart. I feel sad for him because he could choose to live a different life- a joyous life, yet he does not. The worst thing is that he does not see the bigger picture.
I am not sure if I can do any other activities due to time. I do not know if I mentioned it before, but I am a teacher. After my divorce, I've volunteered to tutor my students after school. I have a spiritual group on Friday in my parish. Our priest is the leader- he is great I am finishing my Master's Degree and that's been a heavy load. I am also the Union Rep at my school and I attend different meetings. On top of that, I am a volunteer with Hispanics for life which is an organization that fights against abortion. We have regular meetings and events. Furthermore, I have two very demanding nephews who are extremely needed! they are twins and they're 11! They are good kids, though  . Well, that's what I am up to in life right now. I want to be happy. Wait a minute...I am actually happy and blessed to have so much. I just want David to have the peace and the serenity I am enjoying in my life.
Thank you for your advice! I will continue praying to our Lady for him.
Angie
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"Be not afraid" JPII
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CajunRick
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 09:01 pm |
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BodRod wrote: <<< ...... if I died I would go straight to purgatory ......>>>
Purgatory doesn't sound so bad to me. If I wind up there, at least I would know I was on my way. It may not be the best place to be in, but it is on the way and certainly a lot better than winding up in hell.
St. Catherine of Genoa wrote:
"[The souls in Purgatory] see all things, not in themselves, nor by themselves, but as they are in God, on whom they are more intent than on their own sufferings. . . . For the least vision they have of God overbalances all woes and all joys that can be conceived. Yet their joy in God does by no means abate their pain. . . . This process of purification to which I see the souls in Purgatory subjected, I feel within myself." (Treatise on Purgatory, xvi, xvii.)
(From the Catholic Encyclopedia)
She described Purgatory as a state of unimaginable happiness because in their suffering, the souls in Purgatory are certain of their ultimate destination.
The Life and Doctrine of St. Catherine of Genoa is available at CCEL. It includes her complete Treatise on Purgatory.
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 10:21 pm |
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Angie-
I'm glad you continue to post about how you are healing (and sometimes not so much) in your marital struggles and sorrows. I think of you often. You sound like you are doing well.
Love, Laura
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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David W. Emery
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2410 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 11:07 pm |
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I am truly rejoicing to hear how your life is continuing active and sound, Angie. It is difficult to tell from posts on the forum what one’s private life is like.
Yes, I remember you a year ago. You were being punished because you dared to come back to God. How strange that a man himself can be training for the ministry and yet deny his wife any relationship to the Lord. He was willing to walk out on you rather than deal with your human need for the divine reality.
I know David is suffering and not necessarily because he loves me, but because he has lots of anger in his heart.
This is the sad part. Just as sin is the cause of death, it is as well the cause of all suffering. But you are happy, even considering the sins that surround us, causing us continued suffering, and the limited nature of earthly happiness.
Actually, from the outset I believed you would be all right, Angie, because I saw some extraordinary inner strength in you. Once you made up your mind whom you would follow, you never looked back. Even in your suffering, you have been greatly blessed. Maybe you do not see the strength that I see, but you are living it and benefitting from it. Its source is the Lord.
David
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 11:23 pm |
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Dear Angie,
I will speak to you from a woman's perspective. The feelings you are experiencing are very normal and natural. We, as women, are nurturers and when we truly give ourselves to a man, it is very difficult to tear ourselves away and not experience intense feelings; feelings of regret, feelings of remorse, feelings of hurt, feelings of real and false guilt, feeling of "what could have been if only," feelings of hope that possible things could change in the future. This of course, does not exhaust the list. I'm sure you could add many of your own unique feelings to it.
You gave yourself to a man whom you loved in Holy Matrimony. You made a vow to be faithful to him for better or worse, till death do you part. You gave yourself to him emotionally and intimately. Marriage is a reflection of Christ and His Bride, the Church. While this is a mystery, it shows reveals the true depth of marriage and its beauty. I'm sure you have many wonderful memories that come back to haunt you. Only you and our Lord know the inward pain you suffer. So while you must continue pressing onward toward the upward call of Christ Jesus, no human can put a limit on your feelings and tell you "Get over it. It's time to move on." We are not machines and the heart takes time to mend, some take longer than others. I mourned over the loss of my families members for quite some time and even now, after 30 years of them being gone, still miss them deeply on various occasions.
Divorce can in many ways, be compared to a death and yet accepting it may be even more difficult. Why? Because in death, the person is no longer living; you cannot see them, hear them, touch them any longer. You said your goodbye's to them at the funeral and your mind knows they have left this world. Yet in divorce, that former partner is still alive. You may see them on occasion and have communication with them, especially if children are involved. (Do you have children from this marriage?) So do not punish yourself by having these kind of feelings. You are in the process of healing and healing takes time. Years ago, when a woman became a widow, it was not acceptable for her to re-marry for quite some time afterward. And she wore black in many cultures for at least a year. In our culture today, everyone is just supposed "get on with life." You have a divorce, oh well, "get over it and find someone else." Your boyfriend breaks up with you, "get over it and find someone else." I will say it again, the heart takes TIME to heal.
Do you understand what I'm conveying to you, Angie? Work through your feelings, your hurts, your unfulfilled desires, your remorse, your true and false guilt. Cast your burdens on the Lord and He will sustain you. Give your pain, all of it to Him, and He will comfort you.
I will pray specifically for you tonight and continue in my prayers for your inner healing.
Love in Christ,
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 11:29 pm |
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I just wanted to add a little onto Darlene's idea of nurturing anad giving of ourselves. I think some of our feelings of self worth are tied into pleasing others and when we fail to do that, we feel unworthy. You may be experiencing that. But, you know that, in christ, your worth is infinite!
Love-Laura
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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David W. Emery
Network Helper
| Joined: | Fri Sep 29th, 2006 |
| Location: | Brownsville, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2410 |
| First Name: | David | | Gender: | Male | | Faith History: | Catholic |
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 12:28 am |
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Ladies, I hope you don’t think I am being insensitive here. Some of you know about my own time of suffering, which is in a sense ongoing. No, one does not just “get over it.” I was in mourning for a full year and then some.
If now I have, by the force of circumstance, proceeded with my life to some extent, it is only through the passage of time and the inner need to go on living. Men are not, for the most part, insensitive brutes. We just have a different approach which, as it happens, women find difficult to understand, just as we find it hard to understand women.
David
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Darlene
Member
| Joined: | Mon Oct 9th, 2006 |
| Location: | Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania USA |
| Posts: | 868 |
| First Name: | Darlene | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | Christian, trusting His love and forgiveness |
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 12:53 am |
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David W. Emery wrote: [size=Ladies, I hope you don’t think I am being insensitive here. Some of you know about my own time of suffering, which is in a sense ongoing. No, one does not just “get over it.” I was in mourning for a full year and then some.
If now I have, by the force of circumstance, proceeded with my life to some extent, it is only through the passage of time and the inner need to go on living. Men are not, for the most part, insensitive brutes. We just have a different approach which, as it happens, women find difficult to understand, just as we find it hard to understand women.
David]
Hello David,
I had to laugh at your comment about "insensitive brutes." My husband is definitely not one of those. He is very sensitive. He is usually the one to initiate personal conversation. Often times he will say, "Darlene, we need to talk." Others who know us often say that I am more like the man in certain respects, and he the woman. When I tell him that he is very personal and sensitive like a woman, he doesn't consider that a compliment, but I do.
But yes, men certainly are put together much differently than women. And it was the Lord's intention that the two sexes would compliment each other.
Darlene
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The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. II Corinthians 13:14
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Truthseeker
Member
| Joined: | Wed Oct 4th, 2006 |
| Location: | Costa Mesa, California USA |
| Posts: | 457 |
| First Name: | Laura | | Gender: | Female | | Faith History: | lapsed and returned CATHOLIC!!!!!! |
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 07:11 pm |
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We would never include you in our man bashing! Just kidding. I was actually thinking about a tiny minor error I made at my job that was pointed out by my manager - a woman. I think it is her right to point out my mistakes - it is her job to do so - but I had to keep reminding myself that it didn't affect my value. All day! So, I just thought maybe she might suffer a little from that, too.
I know her husband is only doing as well as he can. I have learned to be so much less judgemental over these past years. God's work is great in me, in that regard. Painful lesson, but one I am happy to have learned.
By the way, I have had two days over the past weeks where I have felt like my old self! I have rejoiced in those days and have not felt guilty about them. I made a donation to World Vision in honor of Mary Erin, to help poor families make water jugs to save water during shortages. My daughters picked the gift, and I sent it in all four of their names.
Love, Laura
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Lord, please make my will your Will!
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