Preface
On November 21, 1999 I went through the Rite of Acceptance as a
catechumen in the Catholic Church. Never before had I felt so humbled,
standing before such a grand Assembly of God's faithful Christians
and receiving their united prayers and blessings. Prayer is so powerful,
and the prayer of the faithful and saints rises up before God like
incense (James 5:16, Rev. 8:4).
I was 45 years old and had never received a single
Sacrament. At the Easter Vigil this year I received four! I was
baptized and confirmed, then my wife and I had our marriage blessed,
and together we received communion. After waiting for so long, sitting
longingly for years and weekly watching the faithful partake, this
Easter I received the body and blood of my Lord.
This story is not intended to be an exhaustive analysis
of Jehovah's Witnesses or their beliefs. It is simply my journey
of faith over a twenty-five-year period, compressed into a few pages.
Early religious training
My first memories of religion are pleasant ones,
taking me back to my grandmother's weathered old house nestled snugly
in the mountains of rural east Tennessee. On warm, pleasant summer
evenings we would sit on her porch swing and slowly rock back and
forth in the gentle evening breeze. I can still smell the magnolia
trees, and see the last glimmers of sunlight fade over the mountains.
As we listened to the whippoorwills and bobwhites serenade us, she
would tell me stories of Daniel, Ezekiel, Moses, and of course,
Jesus.
I would sit entranced for hours and be totally captivated
with Daniel's courage, facing the lions rather than compromise his
faith. We retraced Moses steps to the top of Mount Sinai to get
the Ten Commandments, and I listened in horror as the plagues befell
Egypt. She recited Jesus' words with a compassion and conviction
that made him real in my mind's eye. To my grandmother, faith was
simple, and God was revealed through the pages of His Holy Word,
which was cherished and awed.
She taught me how to pray, from the heart, with
honesty and penitence. And I learned that even though your prayer
may not be answered to your satisfaction, you must learn to live
according to God's will. When you empty your heart in prayer you
can gain peace of mind by knowing you have laid your burden in the
hands of a kind, merciful, caring Master (Philippians 4:6&7).
She also taught me to have a deep respect, a reverence,
for the Holy Scriptures. God's Word was the final authority on every
issue.
I vividly remember standing by the pulpit of the
old wooden sided whitewashed Southern Baptist Church, and leading
the congregation in song. I knelt and prayed with Brother "Billy"
accepting Jesus as my personal savior. But somewhere along the line,
I began to ask questions. Could a person really be "once saved
always saved" by a single act of emotion, without changing
their lives? (See Ephesians 4:23&24) How could a person be 'saved'
if they went right back to their previous conduct? It seemed to
me that the Baptist view of salvation mocked the tremendous sacrifice
our Lord had made.
Conversion to Jehovah's Witness
Due to our family's financial situation we left
East Tennessee, and I left the spiritual warmth and nurturing influence
of my Southern Baptist grandmother. Yet I also knew in my heart
that God did more than just exist, that He cared about mankind,
and that as our loving Creator He had fashioned a wonderful plan
for our salvation. I read my Bible searching for answers, and attended
a variety of Protestant Churches.
Later, when I was in college, I came across a little
blue book. It was entitled The Truth that leads to Eternal Life,
published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. I had never
even heard of Jehovah's Witnesses up until that point in my life
but in one day I read it from cover to cover. It was refreshing;
it had the ring of honesty and truth! God had a name (Psalms 83:18)!
God had a plan for mankind. It explained that everlasting Life came
from "knowing God" (John17:3). Every statement in the
book appeared to be supported by Scripture. And most importantly,
it emphasized works as a part of salvation.
Little did I know that I was spiritually breaking
into jail!
With only a few simple questions, and with the simple
faith with which I had received my grandmother's lessons, I accepted
the "Truth." The book had been written by Jehovah's Witnesses
(Isaiah 43:10) and I began a Bible study with them.
I studied through two additional books with my teacher,
a Jehovah's Witness' elder, who was a kind and compassionate man.
My attraction to the Witnesses was as much predicated on he and
his wife's genuine love and concern for me as it was my learning
"scriptural truths." Eventually I came to the point of
being told that if I wanted to continue to learn the 'Truth' and
be baptized, I would have to modify my life. Instead of getting
a college education, I should become a full-time preacher of the
good news. I heartily accepted this challenge.
On December 23rd 1973, I was baptized as a Jehovah's
Witness in Crownsville MD. Based on Jehovah's Witnesses interpretation
of Matthew Chapter 24, as well as their eschatology, I was convinced
we were living within months of the Battle of Armageddon. I had
totally changed my life to conform to their rules, and my only desire
now was to preach their message door to door full-time.
That presented many obstacles, the first of which
were my parents. I had been getting virtually straight 'A's as an
engineering major at College, and my parents were terribly hurt
to hear I had quit. Also, my mom and dad were totally opposed to
Jehovah's Witnesses, both doctrinally and morally. My mom was more
tolerant than my dad was, but I had been forewarned that "mother
would turn against daughter, and father against son" (Luke
12:53, see also Mark 13:12). So I had expected it and was prepared
to fight. This was a large mistake on my part. I moved back home
in an attempt to share this 'good news' with my family, but instead
we were at blows. And rather than being loving, patient and understanding,
I was confrontational, combative and uncompromising.
My conversion to Jehovah's Witnesses was certainly
more intellectual than spiritual. In my heart I had always maintained
a close personal relationship with my Creator, and thoroughly enjoyed
apologetics. Certainly being a Witness and going door-to-door gave
me ample opportunity to polish my Bible skills. For the next few
years I worked part-time odd jobs, and spent the bulk of my time
engrossed in proselytizing.
Life as a Witness
Life as a Witness is one of rigor. There are five
congregation meetings per week, and each requires about one to two
hours of study in preparation. A normal Witness is expected to spend
two to three hours per week going door to door attempting to place
Watchtower literature. Those of us that were pioneers, the Watchtower
counterpart to a missionary, spent 25 hours per week in the field
service, as it was called. On top of this one is expected to socialize
only with other Witnesses. You celebrate no holidays, or birthdays,
except for wedding anniversaries, and if you are a student in school
you participate in no sports or extracurricular activities. Witnesses
are not allowed to vote, or say the pledge of allegiance or participate
in any political, trade union or other secular activity (Acts 5:29).
For example, a Jehovah's Witness would be disfellowshipped for joining
a local YMCA to swim or exercise.
Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus is not God,
but that He is Michael the Archangel. They believe that God's Holy
Spirit is impersonal and therefore not alive, but that it is simply
God's active force. They believe the soul to be mortal (Ezekiel
18:4) and hell to be the grave. They believe that a select group,
numbering 144,000, will go to heaven (Rev. 14:1) and the rest, called
a 'great crowd' of 'other sheep' (Rev. 7:9, John 10:16) will live
forever here on earth. Of those with the heavenly calling, there
is a 'faithful and discreet slave' class (Matt. 24:45) that interpret
the Bible and 'feed' the other sheep.
Jehovah's Witnesses have no organized clergy. Members
of the congregation are appointed as elders, and rotate speaking
assignments. Those of us that were proficient speakers were often
requested to travel to neighboring congregations to give Sunday
sermons. These talks usually lasted about one hour.
This arrangement of not having a full-time paid
clergy helped keep congregation expenses down, important since a
typical Witness congregation has only about 100 members. Every week
you have a different speaker (elder) giving a sermon. Unfortunately,
the Witness elders have no training in family or personal counseling
and do extremely poorly there.
They are content to open their Bible and point to
a reference, but offer no real assistance in solving family problems.
When a husband and wife are having serious family difficulties,
it does no good to say, "The Bible commands that you accept
your husband's headship." Witness elders are not taught anything
of therapeutic value. Despite the organization's claims of happy
families, I know of many Witness families that are broken down,
or dysfunctional. Mental illness and suicide rates are higher amongst
Witnesses than the population in general.
However, becoming an elder is not easy. It takes
many years of training and scrutiny. One elder, a kindly old man,
once concluded a service with prayer one evening by muttering, "Lord,
forgive us for our falling shorts."
Of course, Jehovah's Witnesses are prolific proselytizers
(Matt. 28:19). And while people think they are out to sell books,
in reality most are passionate about their message. They truly believe
that we are living in the last days and that the world is about
to end. But they have inaccurately predicted Armageddon as coming
in 1874, 1914, 1925, 1942, and 1975. Obviously their chronology
is flawed, and they make poor prophets (Deuteronomy 18:21&22)
but that has never prevented them from setting new dates, 'new light,'
(Proverbs 4:18) they call it.
Witnesses are fanatics about the nearness of Armageddon. They believe
that Jesus actually returned in 1914, invisibly, "with the
clouds" (Rev. 1:7). The year 1914 marked the beginning of the
last days for this world. Soon the Nations will proclaim "Peace
and Security" (1 Thessalonians 5:3) and Babylon the Great,
the world empire of false religion, will fall (Rev. 18:2). (It should
be noted that Jehovah's Witnesses believe that ALL religions except
theirs comprise Babylon the Great. They outspokenly call the Catholic
Church, "The Great Whore!") Then, after the fall of false
religion, the Nations will attempt to destroy Jehovah's Witnesses
but God will intervene with the battle of Armageddon (Rev. 16:16).
This war will be followed by a thousand years of peace and the restoration
of the earth to a paradise (Rev. 20:3 and Rev. 21: 3&4).
They measure performance of individual Witnesses,
or publishers, based on how many hours of service they spend each
month preaching door to door. For a publisher, the norm is about
ten hours a month, but as a pioneer I had to do much more, averaging
100 hours per month. Every month you must fill out a field service
record, noting how many hours, magazine and book placements, return
visits to interested householders and Bible studies you have accomplished.
These are collected, tabulated and sent on to the Watchtower Headquarters
in Brooklyn NY.
Field service, as it was called, was at times exhilarating
and at other times extremely boring. I once inquired of a lady if
she knew God's name, to which she replied after a thoughtful interlude,
"Harold! (Apparently her understanding of Hallowed!) be thy
name."
Another time, while working in a small town in the
central Midwest, during a short stint to serve 'where the need was
greater,' four of us that were pioneering were trying to finish
up a couple of farm houses before a thunderstorm hit. I was talking
to a fundamentalist lady that was giving me a real hard time. As
the thunderstorm bore down on us, she pounded her Bible and announced
in a very loud, harsh, derogatory voice, " So what does your
Jehovah think about that?" I looked at her and opened my Bible
saying: "I'll show you what he thinks." The very second
the words left my mouth a lightening bolt struck a tree just a few
feet from her porch and sent it crashing down on her roof.
I enjoyed talking to the fundamentalist the most.
They were bible bangers, and it was fun dueling with them with the
scriptures. Catholics were too easy of a target, most had minimal
Bible knowledge, and how do you establish a common ground with someone
who openly relies on 'man's' traditions? We had been trained on
some "tidbits" of history, such as the inquisitions, and
of course, idol worship and the worship of Mary. Many Jehovah's
Witnesses are former Catholics.
But I struggled inside with certain Jehovah's Witness'
doctrines. One of which was their steadfast stance on no blood transfusions
(Acts 15:28,29). My mom's life had been saved by a blood transfusion
as a teenager and although I held the party line on this issue,
it never harmonized with my understanding of the Bible or sense
of logic (Compare Matt 12:11).
I became very close to a Circuit Overseer, a high-ranking
individual in the Jehovah's Witnesses organizational hierarchy,
and told him of my questions. He replied, "There are many scriptures
I disagree with the [Watchtower] Society about, but it is best if
we just keep them to ourselves. Never say anything to anyone on
this issue, and pray that Jehovah will help you in your understanding."
The reason for this counsel was that if you challenge
their teaching on any verse, no matter how small or trivial, you
are questioning their authority. If they believe you are challenging
any of the sect's beliefs, no matter how minute, they will disfellowship
(excommunicate) you. This means you are totally shunned. They will
instruct family members, friends and even business associates to
act as if you are dead. This shunning practice has broken up many
families, and even led to suicides.
During my entire tenure as a Witness, I never totally
reconciled myself on several issues, for example, the idea that
Armageddon would destroy all those who were not Witnesses, regardless
of their heart condition. (I couldn't reconcile this destruction
of all non-Witnesses with Romans 2:14-16.) And the teaching didn't
make rational sense either. Why would God destroy all of the wicked
at Armageddon just to resurrect the wicked that had died previously.
But I kept my thoughts to myself, tried to accept these theories
on faith, and waited for 'new light,' or changes in doctrine.
In my desire to embrace these issues and my zeal
to learn the 'truth', I became mired in legalism, and forgot the
simple lessons of my grandmother, that God loves you, cares about
you, and will listen to you. Faith, hope and charity were replaced
by an intellectual pursuit of understanding Bible prophecy and regulations.
Compassion took a back seat to conviction of Jehovah's Witnesses'
ideologies.
Trouble begins
The year 1975, the date set by Jehovah's Witnesses
for the battle of Armageddon, was an exciting time. We all believed
that we were right on the brink of the end of the world, and we
were preaching door to door like mad. People were literally flocking
into the organization and all of us had our sights set on the upcoming
battle of Armageddon. We felt that shortly God would destroy the
wicked and return the earth to a paradise like the Garden of Eden.
We would be restored to perfect bodies and 'inherit the earth' forever
(Ps. 37:29).
Many Witnesses sold their homes and possessions
because they wouldn't need them in the "New System." All
of us expected something profound to happen, and when it didn't,
many left. In the few years following 1975, Jehovah's Witnesses
saw their first decline in membership since the failure of their
'1914' prophecy. However, Jesus' words: "He that has endured
to the end, is the one that will be saved" (Matt. 24:13) echoed
in my mind, and to me, those that left were like the seed sowed
on the roadside. They sprung up quickly, but withered in the sunlight
(Matt. 13:4-6). Those that questioned either the 1914 or 1975 dates
were branded apostates and disfellowshipped. In extreme cases, almost
entire congregations left. Paranoia swept across the entire organization,
as the search for apostates resembled a medieval lynching. The Watchtower,
rather than accepting responsibility for their prophetic failure,
instead chastised common Jehovah's Witnesses for their unrealistic
expectations!
Years later, another casualty of Jehovah's Witnesses
lack of compassion was my wife. She left me for another witness
and became the subject of a vicious tribunal. I could not condone
her actions and was deeply hurt by them, but I was more devastated
by experiencing the horror of the inquisition my ex-wife endured
during her disfellowshipping. She was treated coldly, and it was
obvious that the judicial committee was much more concerned with
the public appearance of the congregation than the gaining of a
lost sheep (Matt. 12:11&12). Her own mother could not speak
to her.
The Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses assumes
Papal Authority in maintaining exclusivity as to doctrinal interpretation,
and the organization prioritizes dogma, doctrine and legalism above
love, faith, hope and mercy. This attitude permeates entire congregations
and pollutes their effectiveness in executing any Scriptural mandates.
I observed politics, gossip, and treachery rampant in many congregations.
This comment is not meant as an attack. Despite all of my troubles
I still have affection for many Witnesses and truly care about several
individuals in particular.
Seeds of Doubt
I became somewhat disgusted by the behavior of the
witnesses, but remained convinced of the soundness of their doctrine.
Since they hold that all of Christendom teaches falsely, they teach
individual witnesses to never study outside of the Bible aids provided
by the Watchtower. I knew that much of the apostasy that had occurred
happened due to honest hearted witnesses attempting to independently
study the doctrine behind their date setting so I avoided leaving
the security of "Jehovah's organization."
Whereas most Witnesses pursued studies in eschatology,
I became engrossed with the nature of Christ, so I set out to conclusively
prove that Christ was not God. So convinced was I of the soundness
of Jehovah's Witnesses beliefs, that when I set out to exhaustively
prove the Arian doctrine of Christ being a created being, it never
occurred to me that the early church fathers would do no less than
confirm my belief. As a full-time servant, I had successfully argued
against the trinity with many ministers and priests, some even having
Doctorates in Theology, so I was confident that my research would
do nothing less than support my view.
I remember, as I embarked on my journey, that I
prayed for Jehovah, Almighty God, to lead me down his narrow path
of truth, that I might help others to worship Him in "spirit
and in truth" (John 4:23,24). Then I delved into the earliest
church fathers. What I found amazed and confused me:
St. Ignatius, Bishop of Antioch, was consecrated
during the tenure of the Apostles. During his trek to Rome and martyrdom
he wrote to the church at Ephesus and said, "by the will of
the Father and of Jesus Christ our God." To the Romans he wrote,
"For our God, Jesus Christ, being in the Father, is the more
plainly visible." And to those at the church in Smyrna, "I
give glory to Jesus Christ our God who bestowed such wisdom upon
you." This same Saint was thrown to the lions in AD 110, because
of his faith.
Mathetes, a student of St. Paul, described Jesus
coming "As a king sends his son, who is also a king, He sent
Him. As God he sent him…as Savior He sent him… as a calling
He sent him."
St. Polycarp, a disciple of under St. John the evangelist,
and consecrated by St. John as Bishop of Smyrna. He wrote in the
early second century, "The Son of God we worship, we cannot
worship any other." St. Polycarp also went to his death as
a martyr, rather than deny his King.
And in regards to the trinity, the Martyr Justin
wrote, "and both Him [the Father], the Son, and the prophetic
Spirit we worship and adore." And in the same epistle he says,
"…the Father of the universe has a Son, who also, being
the first begotten Son of God, is even God."
Origen, a third century writer, and one whom the
Watchtower frequently quotes from, commented on John 1:1:
"For before all time and the remotest age the
Word was in the beginning, and the Word was with God. Thus to find
out what is meant by the phrase, "The Word was with God,"
we have adduced the words used about the prophets, how He came to
Hosea, to Isaiah, to Jeremiah, and we have noticed the difference,
by no means accidental, between "became" and "was."
We have to add that in His coming to the prophets He illuminates
the prophets with the light of knowledge, causing them to see things
which had been before them, but which they had not understood till
then. With God, however, He is God, just because He is with Him."
St. Clement, St. Irenaeus, St. Eusebius and virtually
all of the early church fathers were in agreement: Jesus was God.
And unlike the revisionist history of Jehovah's Witnesses, the divinity
of Christ was the Orthodox position in the pre-Nicene church.
I began studying my Bible with renewed vigor, ignoring
the caution about using only Watchtower sources. Under the weight
of scriptural and historical proof, the Jehovah's Witness Arian
theology house of cards began to crumble. For example, the Jehovah's
Witnesses Bible translates John 1:1 as "…The Word was
a god." Their basis for this is that the Greek language omits
the definite article 'ho' or 'the' before God in that sentence.
Therefore, the Word is a god, not the God. Upon investigation, however,
I discovered that this translation was not only inconsistent and
unscholarly, it was outright deceptive. In fact, further investigation
revealed that not a single member of the New World Translation committee
was qualified to read the kione Greek that the New Testament was
written in.
Researching other Bibles and their scholarship revealed
many flaws in the Jehovah's Witnesses Bible. For example, in every
case where the Greek word for worship, proskuneo, applies to the
Father, they render it "worship" such as in John 4:24,
but when it is applied to Jesus, it is rendered "obeisance"
(John 9:38). Also, their Bible replaces "Lord" with "Jehovah"
over 200 times in the Greek Scriptures, relying on a belief that
somehow the early Christians heretics were responsible for removing
the name. In reality, this substitution carefully disguises the
fact that the Apostles took references from the Old Testament to
Jehovah and applied them in the New Testament to Jesus. And my previous
studies had revealed that the early church fathers were precious
caretakers of the faith, not the evil heretics portrayed by the
Watchtower.
Additionally, Jeremiah 10:10-13 explains that a
god did not make the earth, but that it was God. And Is. 45:18 says
that Jehovah alone is the creator of the heavens, and in Is. 44:24
he says he did it by himself. There is no room in the scriptures
for "a god" to share in the glory of creation.
In Is. 9:6, the messianic prophecy there refers
to Jesus as "Mighty God." Jehovah's witnesses will argue
that this indicates he is a lessor god, since it doesn't call him
"Almighty God." But just a few lines over, in IS. 10:21,
Jehovah is referred to as "Mighty God." Is Jesus a different
Mighty God, or the same?
All of the other scripture "proofs" such
as Col. 1:15, Rev. 3:14, Proverbs 8:22, 1 Tim. 2:5, 1 Corinthians
8:5,6 and John 14:28 all fell apart upon deeper scrutiny. For many
years I had read John 20:28 and imagined Thomas peering at Jesus,
then looking heavenward as he said, "My Lord and my God"
(John 20:28). Suddenly my mental vision changed, and Thomas peered
into the wounds on the hands of our Lord, then placed his hand into
his side and cried out as he looked at Jesus, "My Lord and
My God!"
It wasn't until later that I remembered my prayer,
to help others to worship in "spirit and truth." Little
did I know that first I must be taught, "to worship Him in
spirit and in Truth."
Christ's Identity
I started to desire to worship Jesus as the second
part of the Almighty Triune God. I fought this urge, and continued
to try to rationalize it away, but my heart was burning. Why must
all of Jehovah's Witnesses' explanations be so complicated? Why
are their beliefs so clouded with symbolism, and understanding that
was so vague, so shrouded in atypical explanations? And if the Bible
was really the basis of all belief, how could it be interpreted
so differently. Was this really what the Bible writer's meant? Was
this the way the early church fathers understood it?
Why must they jump all over the Scriptures and rip
single verses from Bible books written thousands of years apart,
then weave them together in a strange lacework leading to some preconceived
conclusion? What had happened to my grandmother's simple faith?
What had happened to me?
I remembered how, when I was little, that I used
to talk to Jesus. I had been taught as a Jehovah's Witness to pray
only to Jehovah, so I hadn't talked to Jesus in years. I remember
closing my eyes and saying, "Jehovah, if I'm wrong please forgive
me, but I want to talk a few minutes to your Son."
But my investigation into the teaching of the early
church fathers did more than clarify my belief in the trinity; I
didn't even realize it yet, but it had started me down the path
to Rome. As I read the early father's writings, the picture that
had been painted for me was clear in my mind. The early church in
no way resembled Jehovah's Witnesses.
I faced a true crisis, should I stay and live a
lie, or leave and be shunned. I walked away, and never looked back.
Adrift
I had heeded the Watchtower's own advice; "Get
out of her, my people, if you do not want to share in her sins (Rev.
18:4)." I left with no fanfare. I finally just walked out of
the Kingdom Hall and never went back. Of course, the Watchtower's
reaction to this is shunning. To leave you must give up your friends,
relatives that are witnesses, and in many cases, your business and
life.
Today, I look back at my tenure as a Jehovah's Witness
with much regret. It separated me from my family, ruined my marriage,
and misdirected my worship. The Jehovah's Witnesses have put together
a very attractive package to present to potential converts, but
it is up to people like me, with Jesus help, to expose them.
Jehovah's Witnesses' supposed truth is based on
a man's self-serving interpretation of God's Word, with the only
authority being self-bestowed. But true worship is so much deeper,
coming from your heart and your soul. It permeates your conscience,
your faith, your hope, your mercy and most of all, your love. True
worship is your willingness to apply, without reservation, Jesus
word's, "Love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor
as yourself" (Luke 10:27).
Upon leaving the Watchtower, for a period I was
disgusted with all religion. I went to a variety of Protestant churches,
but I simply sat in the back and mentally dissected their beliefs.
They had no basis for their interpretation of the scriptures. I
became content to read and study my Bible on my own.
Life after the Watchtower
Instead I dove into secular pursuits. I finished
college, receiving my BS in Electrical Engineering, with honors.
I also got an MS in Management. I am presently a General Manager,
over technology, for a Fortune 500 Company, and am the President
of one of their subsidiaries, a company with over $200 million in
annual sales.
I fulfilled my life long ambition to become an airplane
pilot. I took up the martial arts, and was awarded a black belt.
I also spent several seasons racing yachts.
But more importantly, a few years ago I remarried.
The Lord blessed us with wonderful daughters and we became foster
parents through an agency that specializes in kids that have been
abused, or neglected, and we enjoy helping these youths very much.
My wife has so much love for the needy and disadvantaged. The energy
she puts into our family and helping others amazes me to this day
me. And I get much more satisfaction out of working with neglected
or abused children than I ever got in Jehovah's Witnesses field
service. With her help, I have experienced the true Christian spirit.
Embraced by Truth
For many years after leaving the Watchtower, I worshipped,
studied and prayed alone. My wife was a "cradle" Catholic,
but inactive, and we were married in a Methodist Church. But after
my beautiful baby Brianna was born, my wife began to seriously contemplate
baptism. I told her infant baptism was not necessary, it was simply
a gimmick the Catholic Church used to get your money. But she patiently
persisted. She also began attending mass regularly. I refused to
go with her.
I had a friend at work who was Catholic, a deacon
in the local parish, and he volunteered to baptize our daughter.
He also knew of my distaste for all organized religion and was compassionate
and understanding. The only thing I knew about Catholicism was what
I read in Jehovah's Witness literature and I spoke my mind. He just
smiled and told me that I was a good man, and that God cared for
me very much. I reluctantly agreed to the infant baptism since I
felt it could do no harm, and allowing it would appease my wife's
conscience.
I remember going to meet with the local Parish Priest,
and how confident I was that as soon as I walked through the doors
of Nativity of our Savior Church, a lightening bolt was sure to
strike me. I knew the Watchtower was wrong, but the Catholic Church
still was Babylon the Great, the harlot of Revelation, whose hands
were stained by the blood of the martyrs.
I prayed as we walked into the church, "Father,
if you get me out of here alive, I promise I will never come back."
Surprisingly, however, I got along very well with Father Kevin,
and agreed to go to church with my wife that Sunday. So my prayer
was one promise to God that I'm glad I have broken, and I hardly
think He has held it against me!
As I sat in Mass the next Sunday, it surprised me
how much Scripture was read. Catholics don't read the Bible, I thought.
And the order of service: the Bible readings, the sermon, and communion
followed almost exactly the order of the early church that I had
read about from Justin Martyr. There was something surprisingly
spiritual about the Eucharist. I found myself silently singing the
Psalms, and saying over and over in my mind, "This is the Lamb
of God."
As the Priest raised the bread in the air and proclaimed,
"This is my body," shivers ran down my spine. This was
the body of Jesus Christ. This was His blood.
Soon after that we moved to South Bend, IN and I
continued to attend Mass with my family. However, I still was very
leery of Catholicism. I would sit and peer at Mary, Joseph and the
crucifix over the altar. Graven images, I thought to myself.
Finally I was invited to meet with Father Bill,
a Jesuit, and the Pastor at St. Monica Church, and we began a dialogue
on my theological differences with the church. He ended every discussion
with an appeal for me to let the Holy Spirit do its work. Slowly
I began to realize that this church, this Catholic Church, was the
church established by Jesus when he told Peter: "You are Kepha
(Aramaic) and upon this Kepha I will build my church, and the gates
of death will not overcome it (Matt 16:18)." Peter died, but
the church persisted. Christ promised to be with his people until
the end of time (Matt. 28: 20). The Church is still here, by the
grace of God and has been guided by the Holy Spirit throughout the
ages (John 14:26).
At one meeting with Father Bill, he especially implored
me to rely on the Holy Spirit, not my own intellect. I was offended.
I lay in bed late that night struggling with my interior self. My
wife suddenly turned toward me and said: "You have no faith."
Tears rolled down my cheeks as her words echoed in mind: "You
have no faith." "You must rely on the Holy Spirit."
I emptied myself to God in prayer, sorrowful for even my existence.
How could I join a church that such a horrid history:
filled with indulgences, inquisitions and bloody crusades? I purchased
a few books, by Karl Keating, Patrick Madrid and Scott Hahn. They
put the history of the church into perspective, and I read the works
of John Henry Newman, St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine.
The church did have a history that included corruption
and bloodshed, but it also humbly admitted its mistakes and begged
God's forgiveness. I also came to the realization that the history
of the church was also the history of its individuals, and the vast
majority of those individuals were pious, God fearing Christians.
I was reminded of the history of the Jews. They
repeatedly left God, even worshipping idols, but our Creator never
forsook them. He was loyal despite their conduct. (Ps 78:37&38;
see also Hosea 3:1) Would he not be the same toward the church his
Son founded?
Another thing that finally made sense to me was
that Sacred Scripture was understood in the light of Sacred Tradition
(2nd Thessalonians 2:15) and God's Holy Spirit acted through the
wonderful Magisterium to guide the Church (Matt. 28:19). This appreciation
is what I had longed for as a Jehovah's Witness. Scripture could
not explain itself, but God had given us a marvelous mechanism to
understand it (Acts 8:31).
My final obstacle was the veneration of Mary (Luke
1:48). Intellectually I understood her role, but emotionally I could
not bring myself to ask her intercession. I repeatedly prayed for
God to help me understand and appreciate our Virgin Mother.
One day, I was sitting at my desk in my office,
and I couldn't get my mind off of our Holy Mother. I got up, went
to my car, and drove down to our parish. I stepped inside the empty
church and slowly worked my way up to her altar. I looked up at
the icon of the Blessed Virgin, and, sweating with emotion, asked
that she please pray for me, and for my wife. I noted that my love
of God, a loving wife, and God's Holy Spirit had brought me so far,
but now I was ashamed to tell her how hard it was emotionally for
me to acknowledge her. I asked her simply to pray for my wife, the
mother of our children.
Suddenly a feeling of warmth came over me as if
I was a child embraced by its mother. I returned to work with a
giddy feeling, only to learn that it was going to be necessary for
me to attend an annual meeting of my companies Board of Directors
to be held at a beautiful beach-front resort hotel in California.
And our wives were to attend with us! Our daughter, Brianna, was
five years old and we had not had a night alone together since her
birth.
"Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with
thee (Luke 1:28)."
After years of study, prayer, discussion and contemplation
I finally decided to yield to the Holy Spirit and commit myself
to Catholicism. Funny, how I could be so reluctant for so long then
suddenly become so eager. Yet once my decision was made, an unexpected
roadblock stood in my way, an annulment of my previous marriage.
I began the process but it was moving very slowly, at one point
I was told that my application would be put on hold, due to the
lack of witnesses. Time after time we sent inquiries to my ex-wife
and her family, who were still Jehovah's Witnesses. They never once
responded, to them I was dead. Every week at mass I would sit with
my family and watch my brethren take communion, longing for the
day when I, too, could partake of my Lord's body and blood.
I persisted in prayer, (1 Thessalonians 5:17) asking
the intercession of all of the Saints, (James 5:16&17) but particularly
St. Augustine, St. Polycarp, St. Clement and St. Ignatius of Antioch,
those early church fathers whose writings the Holy Spirit had used
to steer me toward the church. I especially implored St. Athanasius,
that steadfast defender of Christ's Deity against Arius. I also
ran across a book written by Ken Guindon, a former Jehovah's Witness
now working for WEWN, a Catholic station in Birmingham Alabama.
I E-mailed him and was answered that the Nuns would
be praying for me, twenty-four hours a day, in front of Jesus in
the Most Blessed Sacrament. They would do that for thirty days.
Shortly after that E-mail, and the intercessions of the nuns and
saints, the Jehovah's Witness elder that had originally performed
my marriage ceremony contacted me. He had also left their organization
and would be happy to be a witness before the marriage tribunal.
Based on his testimony, it was decided that I could receive an annulment
based on the Pauline Privilege of Faith, granted only days before
the Easter Vigil.
And during the Easter Vigil this year, this wonderful
Jubilee year, I was baptized and confirmed. Then my wife and I renewed
our marriage vows inviting Jesus into our bond, and together we
received communion.
My journey of faith has taken me over mountains
and through valleys. I have ventured from the path our Lord laid
out for me, but He always has steered me back. It has been joyous,
tearful, fulfilling, and at times, fearful. I have been bewildered,
and also been awed. I have cried tears of sadness, pain, sorrow
and exultation. Recently I realized that I was at fault for most
of the twists and turns that my pilgrimage had followed. I had attempted
an intellectual approach to God, a rationalization of his Word.
Yet our Lord was always with me.
Indeed, from now on, I will go where the Holy Spirit
leads me, even as the Psalmist said:
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy
staff, they comfort me… Surely goodness and mercy will follow
me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the
Lord forever" (Ps.23, portions).
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